Can you get pregnant in a swimming pool without having sex?

Dear Suzie,
I haven’t had sex.
I was wondering, can you get pregnant in a swimming pool without having sex?

No you can’t. You can only get pregnant if viable – that, living and vigorous – sperm gets into your vagina or sex passage. Swimming pools may sometimes be pretty unhygienic places – people do pee and do all sorts of things in them! That’s why they are full of chlorine and other chemicals, to keep them as clean as possible and to protect you.

You get pregnant if you have sex. You can, sometimes, also get pregnant if you or a boy has fluid from his penis on fingers and pass it into your sex passage – during sex play, for instance. But just sitting on a loo seat, swimming near a boy, kissing – none of these will get you pregnant. If you’ve petted, however, and your period is late – then it may be a good idea to see your doctor at once. You can talk to him or her in total confidence.

If you’re worried because your period is late or is lighter than you expect, don’t forget that periods are often irregular in the first two years of having them. Have a look at this excellent leaflet from the fpa. But don’t feel you should miss out on the fun and excellent exercise you get in swimming because of any fears on this score. It can’t happen!

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My period was quite light – is this normal?

Dear Suzie,
I am 13.
My last period was quite light. I only had some brown stuff in my pants. Is this normal?
Also, my breasts are sore and tender when touched, but my period isn’t due. Is this normal or should I see a doctor?

If you’ve had sex, or have been in a sexual situation with a boy where he might have got fluid from his penis on his fingers and then put his fingers inside your vagina, you might be pregnant. If not, then no you aren’t.

It’s perfectly normal for periods to be all over the place during your first two years of having them. They can come at odd times and last for more days or fewer days than usual. The blood may be heavy and red or scanty and brown. It’s also common for breasts to feel bloated and tender for a few days before a period. In fact, the tenderness can last for up to 14 days – the time between ovulation happening and your period beginning. You’ll find all about it in the excellent leaflet from the fpa.

If you’ve had any sexual contact then I do urge you to see your doctor at once. You can talk to him or her in total confidence. If you are pregnant the doctor will help you decide what’s best for you and help you break the news to the people who care for you. Don’t even think of hiding it or hoping it will go away. You can’t and it won’t and you’ll need support as soon as possible. But the simple fact is; no sexual contact, then no pregnancy – and periods aren’t always on time or the same each month. Good luck!

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I dont no who 2 talk 2

Dear Suzie,
i am having really bad family problems and i dont no who 2 talk 2 plz give me some advice

Since I don’t know how old you are – whether you are at school or college, or at work – and what sort of problems you have – arguments, abuse, family break-up – I’ll try to cover all bases.

Relate offers counselling for young people when the family is having problems, and for the whole family too. It’s free to young people – Relate charges only what you can afford if you’re in work.

You should also have someone at your college or school who is there for you – ask your tutor or a trusted teacher. If you’re at work, your own GP should be someone you could ask for help and advice.

You could also contact Childline or ring them on 0800 1111.

All these places or people are there for you and will be only too happy to help. It does sound as if you’re having a hard time and you don’t deserve to be so sad. Please do ask for some support.

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He just drinks and drinks the night through

Dear Suzie,

I really need some help and advice about my ongoing relationship with my partner of four years. We are both 22 years old, engaged for one year and living together now almost 2 and a half years! At first everything was great between the two of us, never an argument or disagreement. Then a few months of moving in with each other different things began to happen. Firstly, my partner and I regularaly went out every weekend but that has now stopped as I feel embarrased and scared due to the fact that every single night we go out my partner gets very drunk and agreesive. He just drinks and drinks the night through and ends up getting into fights all the time.

Then when it comes to the end of the night I literally have to beg him to come home with me as when he is drunk he just does his own thing and its as if he doesn’t care about me or what happens to me, which is completely different to the way he is when sober! If he does decide to come home with me he ends up arguing with me and picking out small things to make a massive argument then he decides to leave me alone in the house and do his own thing and come back when it suits him. The next morning its the usual case of “Im sorry etc etc” but this has been happening for two years now Suzie.

Also he is extremely jealous. I am not allowed to speak to another male unless its family! I am currently looking for another job at the moment but my partner dictates wether or not it would be right for me to work there depending on the amount of other men there is working there! Even though we desperatley need money to save for our wedding and house! If he sees another man speaking to me he demands to know what it was about and accuses me of all sorts even though I have never given him anything to doubt. He says the way I act around men can me mistaken for flirting, which I know deep down it is not I just be friendly with these men as they are his friends…I just dont want to be seen as being stuck up or sour for not speaking to thme, thats it. I never flirt with other men, I would never do that to my partner. I don’t even have any friends now Suzie as I never get a chance to go out on my own with the girls as he thinks I will cheat etc, even though my partner will go out with the boys when ever it suits him regardless of what I say and some nights he might not even come home at all, he goes to friends house partys etc while im left alone crying in our bed. I trust him, and deep down I know he’s not out with other women, I know that he is genuinely out with the boys and thats where he is spending his nights.

But im just so upset and angry that its one way for him and another for me. I know deep down that his behaviour is unacceptable and there has been many nights I have swore to myself to leave him, but when it comes to it I just cannot get the strengh to do it and also the fact that I have no friends to turn to for help or support! My partner has often threatened to end things when he is drunk and even though I be so distraught and angry with him, I actually beg him not to.

I know i sound so pathetic and hopeless but i do really love him Suzie but I just cannot cope with the stress and also depression I am going through due to this, ive contemplated sucide as I feel it will allow me just to let go of everything! He is an completely different person without alcohol, but I just cannot cope with this anymore, its destroying me but i dont want to let go!

You tell me it’s love. It sounds to me like battered wife syndrome. It’s very easy to slip into dependency and apathy, to react to emotional as well as physical battering by closing down and pulling in. I suspect that since his behaviour came on slowly you’ve not been able to get it into perspective and see exactly how abusive it is, and how unacceptable.

People who behave with jealousy often say it’s about love and protection. In fact, it’s about their own low self esteem and anxiety. That’s an important insight because if it was about either love or care or a need to protect, once they could see their behaviour was harming you it might stop. But the key is that it’s about them, not you. And that means whatever you do it will continue.

You can be a complete hermit and instead of being reassured, the jealous person will make up even more fantastical accusations. Your not ‘flirting’ will not stop the belief you cannot be trusted because it’s his anxieties that lead him to say this, not your behaviour.

You say it was fine until you moved in together. In many relationships the real violence starts when the couple marry or have a baby. In other words, when your intimacy deepens he gets anxious, and he begins acting unreliably and indeed, dangerously. At present it’s verbal violence. Trust me – sooner or later it will be actual violence.

My advice? No ifs, ands or buts – draw a line now. Tell him his behaviour is totally unacceptable and he has only two options. You’re going for counselling to sort it out, and if he faces up to and amends his behaviour, your relationship may survive. Or, he can leave now.

It really doesn’t matter how wonderful he was or how many promises he makes or how acceptable he is when sober. The truth is that his behaviour has well crossed over a line and he is a danger to you. You can’t change it or him. Only he can change his behaviour, and only by seeking help. If he doesn’t, you are going to end up a statistic. Whether it’s as battered wife or worse – that is up to you. I’d strongly advise you to contact National Domestic Violence Helpline (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) who provide a free telephone helpline for women experiencing physical, emotional or sexual violence in the home on 0808 200 0247

 

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Kissing cousins?

Dear Suzie,

Okay your going 2 think this is extremelly sick but i have a problem a BIG problem! my cousin and i have always been really close we see each other alot and just about 7 months ago something started happening. We’d be sat on the sofa just having a casual hug but he started getting a bit closer and when he does it i dont know what to do! i know i wouldnt have the nerve to talk 2 him. Does he like me or something? i’ve seen the way he looks at me and i know he’s not sick or anything but its not right 2 like your cousin right? And just recently i have been having really bad luck with guys and he’s always there and now im developing feelings for him! please help i really dont know what to do!

It’s perfectly allowable to not only have a relationship with a cousin but even to marry one. So, no, I don’t think this is sick; I don’t think it’s even remotely unusual!

What I do think is that the best relationships are with people you know and trust, people with whom you have a lot in common and people who care for you. If all that applies then you can see why the two of you should be drawn to each other.

I think it would be a good idea to chat it over with a parent, though. As I said, the legal situation in the UK is that cousins are not barred from loving relationships, sexual relationships or even marriage. But I don’t know what culture you come from and some cultural groups do have different ideas about it. The law applies in this country whatever your origin – but your family are the people who need to know and say if it’s Ok for them.

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I wish I were dead sometimes

Dear Suzie, I am 47 and have been living in france for ten years,I am so desperately unhappy that I have been in a clinique three times after trying to commit suicide,we have been married for 19 years and havn’t had sex for 17 my wife is just not interested at all unless I ask which I just can’t do anymore she is 17 years older than me which use to be a problem but I love her so much that I can’t bear to leave her,I found out about ten years ago that I had been sexually abused when I was 6\7 then sent straight to bording school which I absolutely hated and was expelled from my first school for being so disturbed,I just get so confused about everything!even now, and am on so much medication for stress anxiety and depression and have been given an invalidity status. I find that some days I can talk to people and friends and the next I just want to hide and rest I am also finding women less and less atractive, please please what is wrong with me I feel so worthless and empty I wish I were dead sometimes.

You sound at the end of a long tether, with so much stress and unhappiness behind you. No wonder you feel helpless and you do have my sympathy. But what I find most distressing is that with so many opportunities, no-one seems to have offered you the help you need and deserve.

Suicide attempts should be the signal to offer support about what led to such an action, not a signal to simply offer pills. Medication is fine for tiding you over but is not a solution to the kind of unhappiness you describe. You need proper counselling, not only for your distress now but for the long road that has led to it.

I don’t know what is available in France nor whether your language skills would be up to accessing it. Do please speak to your doctor and ask about therapy, and if that isn’t the route to go consider returning for a stay in the UK so you could access proper help here. It might help to have a look at Mind to see what they suggest. Good luck!

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It’s inappropriate and it’s dangerous

Dear Suzie,

I’m 28 years old and work in a dr’s surgery and about 6 months ago one of the patients who is 72 years old starting coming in to the surgery and starting talking to me which wasnt a problem until 3 months ago he told me he fancied me i just laughed it off at first but while out shopping 8 weeks ago he was in the same supermarket as me and we got talking and ever since have been meeting up on a weekly basis. I thought i could handle the situation but the truth is i have very strong feelings for this man and 2 weeks ago he tried to kiss me, as much as i wanted to kiss him i pulled away. I am married with 2 children and love my husband very much. This man is also married. My work colleagues have told me to try and ignore this man (i havent told them how i feel as i am embarressed because of his age)but i cant help my feelings. What can i do.

You may not be able to help your feelings but you most certainly can help what you do about them. Maybe you are attracted to this man. That doesn’t mean you have to follow through on your feelings. And what you’re doing here is wrong on so many levels.

For start, since you work at this man’s surgery and that is where you met him, you are crossing boundaries you should not cross. He may be vulnerable and be seeing you as someone he can rely on or confide in, and having a relationship with him could be seen as a form of taking advantage. You too seem to be looking for something in this relationship that needs examining – is he a father figure to you and if so why do you need this?

And that’s even before you consider that both of you are married which means you are deceiving two spouses and two families. It’s inappropriate, it’s dangerous and it shouldn’t be happening. Stop it now.

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Why can’t I get a boyfriend?

Dear Suzie, 

 I’m 23 and though I consider myself a feminist and happily say that I am complete as I am, there is always that niggling doubt – why can’t I get a boyfriend?

It’s so horrendously cliché of me, isn’t it?  I’ve only had one relationship, but we really weren’t suited – I met him at a lonely time and thought I’d rather be with someone than no one.

 There have been people I like but I’ve always been a bit shy and I find it hard to get talking to them, always worried that they’ll think I’m strange.  And men never seem to be interested in me!  How do I let them know I’m available without waving my cleavage at them??

 Thanks

 

Good partners can take a bit of finding. You’re starting the right way – I think the best relationships begin when you don’t need a partner to lean on but would like someone to share your life with, as an optional extra. 

It’s easy to get a boy or girlfriends if you’re someone who would take anyone who asks or is askable, who simply wants a partner in order not to be thought odd. It’s a bit harder when you’re prepared to be a bit picky and only accept a real soulmate. But the advantages are enormous – you don’t end up writing to me or in my consulting rooms asking for help when it all goes wrong!

You say men never seem interested. Well – people tend to be put off when they feel anyone they approach is lukewarm or hostile to them. And while you may know your behaviour is because you are shy, a guy may see it as aloof or rejecting. Don’t worry a bout how people think of you – the right person, after all, is the person who likes you for yourself. Take me, for instance. I like sci fi and fell walking and am a very strong personality. Yes – I’m very strange. The right guy for me was the man who thought this was a plus. If I’d hidden my true character I’d never have found him.

You let people know you’re available by  making eye contact, by smiling, by being open and friendly. Stop worrying about yourself and have some confidence. When you do, you’ll find people will stop being put off by the barriers I suspect you’re erecting around you. Good luck!

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She’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing!

Dear Suzie, 

 My sister-in law (brother’s wife) is a wolf in sheep’s clothing she prentends to help my sick mom and after she does sends me emails saying it’s my responsibility to take care of her (I did for 20 years)when she gets mad at my mom she lets my daughter know and my daughter than gets mad at me thinking I don’t take responsibility for my mom.  She continues to talk to my ex and has brain washed my daughter.  I had cancer my daughter never came to see me and scheduled my grandaughter’s b-day on the day I was in the hospital having family members choose who they were going to see. My daughter continually runs to her because she sides with her. My daughter will not let me see my grandaughter. What would you do in this situation?  If I say anything no one believes she is causing all the trouble between us.  They say I don’t want to get involved.  She already is involved.  My brother could care less and tunes her out in the meantime I am broken hearted.

There seems to be a lot of hurt and loss and anger flying about here. In such situations  I don’t think it helps to be chasing after who’s to blame. It sounds as if what really hurts you is the fact that your daughter and you are estranged and you have no contact with your granddaughter. So, concentrate on that. Send her a letter saying you’d like to see her and your granddaughter and you’d like to put aside whatever it was that led to your quarrel.

When it comes to family rows the sad fact is that no-one ever feels they are at fault – we all think we’re in the right and other people are in the wrong. But as long as you cling to that, you’ll stay at loggerheads. Sometimes, suggesting you both simply set it aside can  heal the breach and allow you to begin again. Once you are back inside the family you can all discuss and agree on how you’ll fairly share out responsibility for caring for anyone who needs extra support.

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She’s not interested in sex

Dear Suzie, please please could you help me we have been married for 19 years although we do sleep together again my wife is not intested in sex and we havn’t had a relationship for 17 years I feel totaly unatractive to women and just dont Know what to do?

Problems like this may be seen as one person’s difficulty. You seem to be saying you want sex and your wife doesn’t, so you feel rejected and that it’s about her not being interested. But you’ve been married for almost 20 years. That’s a lot of time together – a significant number of years spent sharing a life as well as a bed. What happened that led to your stopping having sex, and why did you accept the situation up until now?

The truth is that problems in a couple relationship are couple problems and need to be seen as shared – which means the solution is shared. What should you do? Talk it over with her – not as an accusation of her rejection but as an exploration of how both of you feel and how both of you may prefer it to be. I’d strongly support the idea of your discussing the situation with a counsellor, through your GP or at Relate either as a couple or on your own. Good luck!

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