Suzie Hayman: Agony Aunt

Dear Suzie, I have been seeing a married woman now for two years, she says she loves me like no other but still is with her husband. what should I do ?

There are all sorts of reasons why someone would profess undying love for one person but still remain with another – confusion, timidity, fear or – let’s face it – insincerity.

 Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she fell in love with you because her marriage is over in all but name. She does love you but feels she cannot leave because she has children and doesn’t want to have them see their family break up. Children will often say they prefer their parents to stay together, no matter what. But it’s never easy living with a couple who do not love each other. At best, they see a loveless and sad partnership that hardly gives them a good model for what marriage should be about. At worst, they see conflict and misery. If that were the case maybe she needs support in seeing her leaving might be the better option for all concerned.

Or maybe she’s just scared to make the jump into the unknown – it’s a big step to disrupt your life in this way. Again, maybe she needs support in making that choice, if it is the one she wants to make.

Or maybe she’s frightened of what her husband might do – perhaps she needs proper reassurance of safety.

Or maybe, just maybe, you’re a nice bit on the side – a reassurance that she isn’t losing her sexual powers, a pleasant dalliance, a tit-for-tat for her husband’s infidelity or lack of attention. Men do it – women do it too. Both sexes are just as likely to have affairs and give all sorts of promises that mean very little. She may be someone who doesn’t want to commit herself fully to a marriage and you’re her way of holding back a little something from her husband.  

 What ever her reasons, the fact is that you’re involved and are hurting. Here’s a sad fact of infidelity and affairs – they always hurt someone and usually several someones. People who have affairs usually say they couldn’t help it. Well, that’s simply not true. Ok – you cant help falling for someone – finding them attractive and being drawn to them. But you can always help what you do about your feelings.

Whether she is truthful or not, she had the choice whether or not to have an affair with you and she chose to do so. You had the choice too, and chose to start a relationship with a woman married to someone else. You have choices now. You can go on and go on being hurt. You could give her one more chance to make a choice – him or you. But I bet if you did, she’d come up with oh so many oh so plausible reasons why you have to wait another week, another month, another year or two.

My advice? Cut out now and find yourself someone honest and true, and available.  And if you find yourself falling yet again for a married woman maybe that would be the time to ask yourself whether this is  pattern you find comfortable – being in love with someone who can’t or won’t give all her time to you. Time to talk it through with  counsellor, if that’s the truth.

Dear Suzie, I have known my partner for 18 months, we are very much in love & we now live together, we are both divorced & in our 30’s. A few months ago he sent a blank text to an ex and I was very upset that he had contacted her (he admitted it as I don’t snoop). Whilst out on a recent night I saw him texting – it was a younger woman he used to know (not an ex) . We were both very drunk & argued about it (memories of the previous incident were in my mind). I snatched his phone & hit him with it, he left me in a dodgy part of the city centre late at night, I became distressed & hysterical as I couldn’t find him. I rang his mobile about 30 times and left voicemails but at one point a female answered & told me to f-off. All sorts of things were running thought my mind – I eventually found him (he was alone) & I begged him to come home – he also told me to f-off. I asked if he would see me safe in a taxi, he said he didn’t care what happened to me. After over an hour of persuasion I managed to get him home. The following day he said he couldn’t remember much about what happened & is very sorry but I am devastated. He says he never wants to get in that state again (he isn’t normally a heavy drinker). He is usually very placid, loving and gentle but I am scared this could happen again. I thought I was his princess but I was made to feel like yesterdays chip papers – rubbish left out on the street (I have always suffered with low self-esteem). It has made me think how fragile relationships are these days in our throw away society. Please help me to rebuild the trust as I love him dearly & want to stay with him for the rest of my life. Thanks

This sounds like a real meltdown but is most worrying is not so much the question of whether he is or isn’t flirting with his ex, or even flirting with new women, but the level of anger and lack of control in both of you. It sounds as if you both got to the state where you were violent and careless about your safety and said deeply hurtful things to each other. This isn’t about a throw away society – it’s about you and him. Are you committed to each other? Are both of you prepared to listen to each other? Are both of you prepared to make changes in your lives and your behaviour to further this relationship? If you are, then I’d suggest you contact Relate and go for some sessions to get this sorted out.

Dear Suzie, 

Hi. I am a mother of three and split from a bad 12 year relationship,who was the father of my 3 children.  I was very successful and had two shops but after staying at home looking after the house and children while my partner managed my businesses, everything fell apart and I lost my businesses and just managed to hang on to my home.  My home is substantial, everything I have is tied up in it, but it’s my home and I feel I’ve lost so much already so I want to stay. 

After 2 years I met a guy who seemed loving and caring and willing to take me and my three children on. He was married himself twice with 2 grown up children and works full time.  I live in Ireland and he is from Scotland but lived in parts of England for a while, so all of his past is across the water.  He can be very loving and caring and when things are good they’re great.  But he has a moody side that evolves to a very stubborn streak and can elevate to harshness and coldness.  When agruements get really heated he can get very agressive.  He has pushed me around and broken lots of things.  

After just two months of marriage the rows are frequent, usually at the weekend when my children are away.  I don’t like rows.  When I row it’s usually a blow up but goes away, he tends to hand onto things that drags on throughout the day, which can infuriate me, I see no point to it. Anyway, now I am also 4 months pregnant!  He gives me no allowances and argues just as harshly. Yesterday we had a row that started small and grew.  I told him I couldn’t handle these cnstant weekend rows and would he please stop. It got to the point where he asked if I’d likehim to leave, so I said “If you want to go, go, but make sure it’s what you really want”. He left. I’ve told him before that when we row and he needs a break, not to let it go too long.  He sent me some texts accussing me of taking him for a mug and compalining he doesn’t spoil me enough.  He tells me he bought me a jeep, but on the first row he took it from me.  Anyway, he stayed out all night as he seems to be doing using these rows as an excuse, while I stayed at home, hoping he’d come home to sort things out. He eventually arrived at the door after 2am completely drunk and agressive. I refused to let him in. He slashed all 4 tyres on the jeep and cut the telephone line.  I live in the middle of nowhere with no neighbours!  4 months pregnant and stranded. What sort of guy does this.  He drove off, returned about an hour later, slept in his car outside. At 7.40 am he started beeping his carhorn and banging on the door.  I told him to calm down, that I wouldn’t let him in when he was this angry.  He’s gone now, I just don’t know what to do.  I’m 38, gave up my job to have this baby, now I feel like I’m back to where I was when I met him but worse, a new arrival on the way. Please, please help me make some sens and get some direction. 

You’ve described a violent bully who has isolated you, taken more from you than he has given you and is now crushing your confidence and self esteem. It starts with shouting – that’s bad enough. Then goes to pushing – that’s out of order. What next – punches, kicks, weapons?

I’m really, really sorry to hear about all this and I’m really worried about you. Men who are violent often start or escalate their violence dramatically when a baby is on the way and it doesn’t stop with that. I would ask you to put your foot down. Call the police and report his behaviour to the Domestic Violence unit, so they know you’re at risk and can take steps to protect you. If he comes back tell him there is no longer any leeway – the violence stops now. He doesn’t come back unless he accepts counselling and that’s that.

You can get help from the Northern Ireland Women’s Aid 24 Hour Domestic Violence Helpline on 028 9033 1818. and call your friends and what neighbours you have so they are there for you, if he comes back or just to support you if you’re now on your own. If he was willing to accept it, he could get help from the  Male Advice & Enquiry Line on 0845 064 6800. I know it seems an awful situation to be in but you’ve weathered as difficult a situation before, haven’t you? Once you stop accepting the violence you’ll realise you can rise above this and manage.