Suzie Hayman: Agony Aunt

Dear Suzie, 

I read your response on http://www.agony-aunt.com/relationships/can-a-person-love-two-people-at-the-same-time/

 I found it very interesting and I would like to ask a  more complicated question.

 Can a 27 yo girl be in love with two people, one 30 and another 27? (I am one of them, I am not going to say who to make it interesting 😉

 Be with both of them during the same period of time.

Tell and show them both that she loves them and sleep with both of them without protection for 4 months?

And still after all this drama she still claims that loves both people. 

However,her first boyfirend LEFT her in late May and then after spending 6 months in 2006 and 6 months in 2007 with the second bf, she went back to the two year first relationship she had from before. And now, after a year of being with the second she is back with the first, that is she is back with the first again.

And now she thinks she made the wrong choice leaving the second guy!

 What this girl should do?

How can you trust a person like this?

Is this a personality issue or very unfortunate situation issue? (We create our own situations, our luck when it comes to matters like this, u said being in  love does not justify bad behavior)

This person hurt both guys a lot.

What is the moral thing to do here from her side and from the guys side?

What is the moral thing to do? I don’t really think I need to say – you know as well as I do. If you want to talk strict moral codes then anyone with integrity, who was upright, virtuous, honourable and honest, would not be in this situation. It’s wrong to be cheating whether you’re the woman with two men or one of the men knowing there’s another man. But just as important it’s hurtful.

I’ve said before that no-one can be called to account for their feelings. It’s more than possible to fall in love or be attracted to more than one person. But morality is more about doing the right thing, about treating other people with the sort of respect and emotional generosity you’d like to be treated yourself, than objective codes. And cheating is nothing of the sort.

And as for playing Russian Roulette with both pregnancy and sexual infections by having unprotected sex with not just one but with two people; well, I’m actually speechless on this one.

When people flit from one relationship to another it’s actually rarely about love or even about being free-spirited – the other common excuse for infidelity. It’s usually about fear. Fear of being left and abandoned, something that might have happened earlier in their life. Fear of trusting and needing, in case the person you come to trust and need then lets you down. Being scared of commitment  is always about needing commitment and fearing that this need makes you dangerously vulnerable. Having more than one relationship keeps commitment at bay but also always gives you a fall-back.

But that’s an explanation, not an excuse. Such behaviour patterns are usually created in pain, and cause more pain. And anyone finding themselves in such a relationship has three choices. Either accept you’re going to be used and abused and settle down for the masochistic ride. Or get out, quick. It’s not your responsibility to either accept it or try to stop it. Or, offer the  person one chance to come to counselling and sort out the problem. One chance; anymore and you’re into choice 1.

Whichever arm of the triangle you inhabit I’d gently suggest you get some support in breaking free from it. It’s not a healthy or happy place to be for any of you. Counselling would help.

Dear Suzie,

ive been with my boyfriend for over a month now im onlii 13 but thats not the point. but lately hes been off with me and i asked him about it and he said that every things fine. well today was hes last day at school and normally id be missing him like mad already but i aint i dont no if it is goin to last between us but i really like him but does he like me ???

from frustrated x

Your being 13 is the point, actually. Not to diss you at all but relationships at your age are important and intense and wonderful…and short term.

You’re not missing him because it was great while it lasted but it wasn’t meant to last very long. A month is fine – great fun. But when someone starts being off with you, what’s the point of flogging a dead horse?

People can have up days and down days and if yours is a long-term relationship in which you’ve invested time and effort then of course you try to sort out problems and help each other get over the bad times. But when someone hasn’t the manners to treat you with respect from the word go then you’re much better off cutting your losses and moving on.

If you want to have a happy life with happy relationships I’d take a few things to heart;

One is treat other people as you’d like to be treated – with kindness, honesty and respect.

Two is expect other people to treat you the same, and don’t accept second best.

Three is trust your instincts. if it doesn’t feel good, it isn’t good. Don’t persist.

Four is don’t be a doormat; if anyone uses or abuses you, turn your back and walk away.

Have a good summer!

Dear Suzie, 

After 13 years of being on my own following the breakup of a 12 year marriage, I have just met a wonderful man and am very happy.  My problem is that due to circumstances he has absolutely no savings behind him, although he does have a job.  Not only do I have a job but I also have substantial savings behind me which he is unaware of.  How and when should it ever come out that I have this money?  If I tell him he might feel awkward and uncomfortable in case his attentions come across as just wanting me for my money, and it might raise doubts in my own mind as to his motives thereafter, which would be a shame as we currently get on so well and are very close.  But if I don’t tell him and we stay together he will find out eventually and might be very hurt that I didn’t trust him enough to tell him.  He moved in to live with me and my adult children last week and this makes the situation increasingly awkward for me as we are closer now than before he moved in and I feel like I’m being dishonest with him.  

 The other thing is that he is £3,000 in debt which he’s coping with quite happily but it makes me feel guilty because I could easily clear this debt for him but that would mean I would have to ‘come clean’!  Also he’s been talking about both of us putting aside £50 per month each into a savings account so that we can built up holiday money. How betrayed will he feel when he finds out that I don’t need to put this money aside and yet I went along with it?

 HELP!!  What on earth do I do?  I would be very grateful for any advice you can give me.

If you were in your 20s and this was a first serious relationship I don’t think you’d have the same doubts. If you had some money put away, you wouldn’t feel the need to ‘come clean’ about it just as you wouldn’t feel the need to quiz your partner about their financial position. Anyone might have something put away, or not as the case may be. You’d expect your respective situations to emerge naturally, as his has because he’s told you he has debt which he’s making shrift to manage. 
The reason it looms large in your mind is that you’ve had years of being in a settled relationship where you both had shared accounts and knew what was each others state. Now you’re back in the single but dating state, you’re assuming the amount you know about each other should be the same, and it needn’t. Yet.

I agree that keeping secrets is inimical to a good relationship. But you shouldn’t expect to give an audit to this man, nor he to you. That doesn’t mean it isn’t an excellent idea to open a shared account for shared activities, especially a holiday fund. Where’s the betrayal in knowing you could pay for it with the wave of a check card? The essence is that this is joint – to be paid by both of you equally. It’s a rather exciting idea to have a specific, ring-fenced fund you can both point to and know is going to finance your next break.  He’s more likely to feel humiliated if you thought it was appropriate to pay for him, and that goes for him settling his own debts too.

 If you’re divorced with adult children and in your own house I would imagine he’d have assumed you have money in the bank. It sounds as if he’s doing his very best to hold up his own end and not to be seen or thought to be using you. I’d respect and encourage this.  

 In all the relationships I’ve observed, my own included, in which money has never been a problem or an issue partners who earned their own money made a proportionate contribution to a household. Whoever earned more paid more. And if there were children from a previous relationship, this was reflected in the proportionate costs.

Either each put an amount into a shared account which paid for all household and joint expenses. Or they divided up the expenses – fuel bills, food bills, council tax etc – and made the division reflect the amount each should pay. Or they split everything down the middle but the higher earner then paid for holidays or other expenses. You can decide between you which way you should play it but I don’t think he would expect you to pay for him nor should you feel you should.

Enjoy your new relationship – and enjoy that holiday when it comes!

Dear Suzie, 

 I’m not a little boy, but you know – I still can’t read body language or between the lines of what women say or send.

 Ok, well here goes.

 I work with this girl who is 22 years old; she and I are both part timers, but she returns to school at the end of August, while I will be continuing with this company on a 6 month contract.

 She is my senior by about 2 or 3 weeks, which in the big picture means little; nevertheless, she has a bit more knowledge than I do.

 When we work she lets me sit at the computer terminal and she ‘scrunches’ (is scrunches a word??) down in a little side chair and puts herself into this very submissive position.   When she leans forward, to give advice (whether needed or not) she stays low and bent down, in a very submissive position.

 While this may sound rude, she always leaves a button or 2 undone when we work together and she does afford me a view down her front. No she does not go braless.

 When we process this work, we then must file away the items into inventory.   Now this is not nuclear physics, but she insists to walk with me when we put things away and she always makes a clear point of touching hands when we put things into their bins.

 I’m sorry if this is kindergarten stuff…but it’s puzzling.

To continue, she makes a point of reaching forward and letting me see the outline of her cute bottom… and when I leave to occasionally take care of other things, I return to find her PACING the floor with her hands on her hips…her shirt appears to be intentionally drawn tight so I can see her curves.

 I have massaged her shoulders, which she did not complain about, but after a short period of time, she did say that was enough or something like this.

 She tells me that she is working out to loose weight, but believe me, she’s not a pound overweight; when she tells me this, I grab her calf and tell her that she’s not fat.

 When my vehicle was stolen the other day, she comes n the next day and tells me that we are much the same, as some kids broke into her vehicle the next night.

 I am stupid aren’t I??

 She tells me that she sleeps nude and that the doors to her home are never locked.

 Ok, now here’s the part that confuses me to no end; she is moving into an apartment for school with her boyfriend.   She continually throws this boyfriend into my face…not in a rude way, but always mentions him – constantly.

 She tells me that she wants me to always work with her and when I am scheduled to leave early, she laughs and jokes, asking if I want to work overtime with her.

Woudl you please tell me what she is doing?

 Is she just a tease?

Does she want me to be aggressive and grab her bum and kiss her…what does she want, if anything beyond attention?

 Can you read her? I can’t.

I’m not sure I can answer because what you tell me is filtered through your understanding and not that of an objective viewer. If what you say is true, she is sending out very conflicted and confused signals, giving you a come on while warning you to stay away. It could be that she is attracted to you but is committed to and attracted to her boyfriend. She may be confused by her attraction to you – lots of people believe once they fall in love with one person they won’t notice other people, which is ridiculous. If that’s her belief, she may be testing herself by flirting with you.

 But equally, it is more than possible that you are misreading her behaviour. She may simply be leaning forward. She may simply be being friendly with a fellow co-worker.  

 Whichever, let me tell you one thing and if you listen to one thing only I say, let it be this.  If you acted in an aggressive way, grabbing her bum or kissing her, you would be committing an assault. And even if she was flirting with you or giving you a come on, she would not welcome that under any circumstances. It would be viewed as sexual harassment and probably get you sacked. Don’t do it.  

Yes, she may be teasing. Or you may be misreading the signs. Either way, back off.  My advice would be to be honest. Tell her you are attracted to her and are confused as to whether she likes you in the same way or simply as a friend. If she says she simply wants to be friends, then ignore her behaviour from now on. If she is playing games with you, you’ll only get in trouble if you respond. It’s only a month – grit your teeth till then!