I thought drinking would help!

Posted on July 27, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, 

 I’m 13 and I’m so depressed. My parents think I’m just being silly and its my hormones but all the signs are pointing to depression. My sleeping pattern has changed, I constantly think about death, I wake up tell myself there is nothing in the world for me and so on. One day I was with my older friend who is 16 he offered me some alcohol. I had a sip because I knew it wouldn’t do any harm and it wouldn’t cause any problems, but it was really nice and I had more. One day I was so depressed I was on the edge of self harming so I went down into my garrage and took some of my parents alcohol. It cheered me up so much. From then on I took alcohol from my parents cupboard when I got depressed. My mum is a reflexologist and she can tell things from your feet. I was one of her case studdies and as soon as she pressed on the bit of my foot that represents the liver I screamed in pain. I’ve stopped drinking alcohol but I’m worried about what it has done to my body…And tellng my parents, I know I have to. I feel so ashamed.

 

Don’t feel ashamed – you needed some help and you weren’t getting it. But where did you get the idea that alcohol “wouldn’t do any harm and it wouldn’t cause any problems”? Dear me, what do they teach in schools these days! Cannabis, heroin and other illegal drugs may get a lot of the press but the truth is that more people are harmed by or even die of alcohol related illness than just about any other cause. Problem drinking tends to start with a few sips to make you feel better.

 OK – you seem to have realised it doesn’t help and it certainly does harm. I’m so glad to hear you’ve stopped drinking. But now you need to get some help for that depression you’re feeling and help that really helps, not something that simply hides it and hurts you in the process.

 Your parents may be right in thinking these feelings are normal, natural teenage blues rather than full blown depression. But that doesn’t mean they are silly or should be ignored or brushed away as trivial. You need and deserve some help with these feelings.

Your drinking is likely to have simply made you feel ill and done some temporary harm, but it may have left you with conditions that do need some medical attention. I’m not a doctor and even a doctor couldn’t diagnose from a letter. But I think it important you talk to your mother about your feelings, what you’ve been doing and how you’ve realised it doesn’t help and that you’ve stopped drinking. Then tell her, calmly but firmly, that you feel awful and need some help. You need someone to talk to – a counsellor who will take your feelings either of teenage angst or depression seriously and will support you through them. You should see your GP for a check up anyway, and then ask him or her to suggest someone in your area you can speak to. Good luck!

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Everyone seems to leave

Posted on July 27, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, 

           i think i am suffering depression. I have been feeling like it for sometime now, but it comes and goes, just this time it seems thats it’s not going away. i have a lot of things on my mind, but i dont help myself as i find it hard to speak to people about how i am feeling. so i bottle it up. 

I am feeling so low and sad and very tearful, and i think what is the point of life. my mum has started noticing the way i have been. 

also my mum has met someone, where she works, they just text each other. but i hate the thought that it will end in tears.as everyone seems to leave. i think the depression i have got is what i have been through, now it’s all coming back. i dont no whether i can cope anymore. i have aways had to be strong but now i feel so weak, helpless. but sometimes i just wish i had someone to talk to. my mum is their for me all the time, but i dont want to worry her, about things that i am thinking, so i dont talk to her. 

what can i do??

 

You say “everyone seems to leave” and talk about your Mum but no Dad, so it doesn’t take a genius to realise you’ve suffered the one loss that is so difficult to manage, that of a parent. I obviously don’t know whether he died or – actually worse – left but not having a father around can really make you feel awful.

 I’m really sad to know this has happened to you. The dreadful thing is that losing a parent, however it happened, often leaves people feeling worthless, as if it was their fault, and lacking in confidence and as if nothing will ever go right again – as if it’s a pattern you caused and therefore deserve. On top of that, children and teenagers frequently feel they have to take over some of the caring role for their remaining parent and be strong for them.

 So – a few reality checks for you, my dear. For a start, whatever happened, your father no longer being there isn’t your fault. In fact, it’s nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do. And your Mum is the grown up here – she’s the one who should be looking after you, not the other way round.

 Of course you’re depressed – it’s a depressing thing to have happened to you. But as long as you hide your feeling and ‘be strong’ you won’t get the understanding and help you so deserve. Whether your Mum’s new relationship will last or not, it’s up to her, not you, to manage it. And even if it doesn’t last it won’t be the end of the world. You feel it will because you think it will be a repeat of losing your Dad. But if you got some help for your depression you’d see you could manage that, too. It’s very sad but it certainly doesn’t mean everyone, always, will leave you.

 Please, speak to her. She’d feel mortified and an awful Mum if she had to feel she had let you down, leaving you to manage this on your own. And ask her to go with you to get your GP to help. Not by prescribing any pills but in referring you to a counsellor, such as myself, who could listen to you and help you overcome these sad feelings. Good luck!

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I’m crazy about this girl

Posted on June 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, im 15 year old boy, and yeah im really stuck..since september i juss got in highschool and ive been crazy about a girl, make a long story short, ive been going for her since day 1 and we started going out since feb. 18th and broke up the may 14th cuz we kept arguing and shes the type to give up easily, and now were talking on msn but we havent in real life, and it seems we both want to get back together, and her friend likes me, n we went to a show together, n b4 i left we kissed lasted like 3 secs. she probably already herd of it, but i dont kno where things are ganna go from here, shes done stuff at partys 3 times to me, 2 times b4 going out ( her excuse was i was drunk ) and once at a party at her place 2 days b4 i broke up. i really dont kno what to do, i juss wanna get things back to normal n be with her and show her we can be the best thing..what have u got in suggestion ??

 
You know what totally shone out from your mail to me? Absolute sincerity. I’m rooting for you because you really made me believe you’re crazy about this girl and so want to be with her. So, if I can respond to what you’ve said, so will she. My advice? Write it down. Write down, just as you have to me, what you feel about her, how you miss her. Tell her that you’d like to try again because you want to be with her. If you’ve done stuff you regret, say so and promise not to do it again – and mean it. 

It may be worth thinking about all those arguments. It sounds as if you feel a good row clears the air while she feels they’re scary and unpleasant. If you want the relationship to last, a bit of give and take would help. Maybe you need to learn to talk, not shout. And maybe she needs to learn raised voices don’t always mean she has to walk away.

Write it out on paper and send it to her. You could type it on your computer and copy it into an MSN message but personally, I’d strongly recommend writing it out on good paper and sending or giving it to her. Once she reads what you have to say, the girl you’re crazy about would be crazy not to give you a second chance.

Good luck!

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After 27 years, am I selfish to want to be alone?

Posted on May 31, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I have been married for 27 years i have felt for some time about 10 years off and on that i would like to live on my own.At first i blamed things on financial,as we have had a number of business over the years we have had a lot of money probelems and my husband as changed a lot in apperance and he drinks more but financialy we are ok now then i put it down to beening married at a young age i was 18.but i think i have realised that i have changed a lot, i love my husband but not in the way i should i have,nt for a long time.And its all going over in my head what i should do.I know it all must seem very selfish of me because he is not a bad man and i have 3 brillient chidren and a grandchild i would be hurting all of them if i left but i don,t know what to do.I am sorry if this does,t make a lot of sence but it has taken a lot for me to send this to you.

 
It makes a lot of sense to me and I do appreciate how hard it is to say it. But I do think you need to listen to that part of you that is saying “I want out!”

I’m entirely unsurprised to see you first felt dissatisfied at 35 and now you’re 45. There’s something about significant birthdays – those with a 5 or 0 at the end – that make us sit up and ask “Is this all there is?”

 Your husband may not be a bad man. But that doesn’t mean you were put on this earth to be his carer or servant and put your self second for him. It’s NOT being ‘selfish’ to look after yourself and to have a respect for your own needs, wishes and wants, especially when a small, suppressed part of you is practically screaming with misery.

 Sometimes, these crises are entirely to do with the ‘crunch point’ we’re going through at that time. Life is full of transitions. Turning 35, 40, 45 or 50 or having children pass from home to school, primary school to secondary school, from being children to teenagers and then on to adults can make you reassess your life and your relationships. Yours have grown up and left home and one of them has had a child of their own. All those events have changed you and made you move on, grow, alter. Sometimes partners travel that road together, changing alongside each other and even when they may become different people to the ones who first met and married, they remain in tune. Other couples grow apart – one going on and the other perhaps either branching off in a different direction or even staying still. The younger they were when first getting together, the greater the chance of a separation occurring.

 It might be worth at least giving him a chance. Of telling him how unhappy and dissatisfied you are and how much you’d like to pursue your own path. Maybe he feels something similar and in fact the two of you could shake up your marriage and find a new beginning. Or, maybe you’ve already got a clear idea that being with him is not for you. In which case perhaps you need some support on exploring what you could do, perhaps in setting up your own business using your own skills and knowledge. Maybe you need some extra training or education, some new skills and employment, to boost your self esteem and self worth.

 As for your children, they may be appalled. Or, they may ask you why on earth you hung on so long. Loving children can often react against a change but ultimately strongly support a parent who has been unhappy to become settled and fulfilled. You’ve spent 27 years giving your all to other people. Spend some of the next 27 years putting your needs first. You may well find that doing so actually helps the others in your life, too.

 

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Am I the only one who has found losing their virginity hard?

Posted on May 31, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, Please help. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly six months and we have started to try and have sex. I can make him come by blow jobs but so far he has only given me handjobs. These used to be very intense for me but recently I just haven’t got turned on. And so if we try to have sex I feel really tight. Also it feels like he is pushing down rather than up into me. Can anybody give me any tips – I feel so ready for this and frustrated that it is not happening. Please tell me I am not the only one who has found losing their virginity hard.


No, you’re not the only one to find first time sex can be painful and confusing and difficult. Like riding a bike – not as easy as it seems!

I do need to clarify a couple of things first. I do hope both of you are around the same age and over 16. If the answer to either of those is…”Ah, well, um, not exactly” then that might be part of the problem. Sex when you know it’s not right, too soon or when one of you is taking advantage of the other is likely to be difficult and it’s a damn good warning to heed; back off!

There are three reasons why a guy may find it difficult to enter into a woman in the early days of sexual experimentation. One is her maidenhead or hymen. Most women have a small flap of skin that rings the entrance to their vagina. In some it is very thin and laps partway round the sex passage, just inside. In other women, it goes all the way round like a flange or skirt and can be fairly thick, and partly blocks off the entrance. First sex can be painful and provoke bleeding when this skin is broken – that’s what some societies demand as proof of virginity. If you’ve used tampons and you and he have touched you, the likelihood is that even if yours was quite prominent it will have become stretched and no longer be a barrier. But that’s not necessarily the case. You may need to be patient and to touch yourself or to ask him to touch you, gently stretching the area, using lubrication and lots of loving care, until it feels more comfortable. Doing this when you’re warm, after or during a hot bath, sometimes helps.

Another and more common reason for feeling he’s pushing up against a barrier is simply that you aren’t sexually aroused so the vagina is dry. If you’re scared and expecting pain this is all the more likely. The remedy is to take your time, for him to be loving and caring and to use kisses and caresses to stimulate you. Some lubrication from the pharmacy wouldn’t go amiss, either.

And the final reason could be that fear and anxiety cause the muscles around your vagina to clench up. This is called vaginismus. It often happens because of early trauma or because sufferers have learned alarming messages about sex – that it’s painful and dirty and something to fear. If this is the cause, it may be best to have a word with your doctor and ask for a referral to someone to talk to, or contact Relate for a session with a counsellour. It’s not something that will go away or that it is easy to deal with on your own. Good luck!

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I love her 2 bits but I don’t know how she feels!

Posted on May 31, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i really need your advice, me and this girl have known eachother for about 2 years now, when i first met her i began to have strong feelings for her then my best mate and her got together not long afterwards and me and my best mate and this girl stopped talking for about a year.. anyway at the end of last year me and this girl had been flirting quite a lot then it calmed down, recently she and her bf split up and he said that he dont love her no more,, the next day i found out they got back together…. but she still carried on to flirt with me. i asked her the other day if she likes me more than a friend, she said no at first then she said she cant answer that question. im really confused because i love this girl 2 bits she makes me laugh etc etc etc and ive been there for her trough thick and thin. now im starting to wondering if ive been used. please help me suzie!!!!

 
I’m not sure if you’ve been used because use implies the other person knows exactly what they are doing. And I’m not sure this girl is entirely aware of her effect on you. But I do think she is taking the very easy and rather selfish option of having a boyfriend on one hand and a devoted male friend on the other, and probably playing them off against each other.

 Flirting can be fun when each of you know the rules. Flirting Rules are either that both of you are free and it’s a preliminary to getting off with each other. Or, that one or both of you are happily partnered and you know that and it’s a way of being good friends at arms length, with no intention of crossing the line.

 It feels to me that she uses flirting for another purpose. She could be doing it to reassure herself that she could have you if she wanted – you’re a fallback if her boyfriend goes off. Maybe it makes her feel sexy and attractive at times when her boyfriend isn’t being as nice as she’d like. And of course it could  keep him in line, knowing someone else will scoop her up if he misbehaves.

 But it hurts you. It keeps you from going off and finding a girlfriend of your own, and it comes between you and a good male friend. So in that sense, yes you are being used and it doesn’t sound very nice.  What should you do? Ask her one more time if she and he are an item and intend staying that way. If she won’t answer or can’t answer or says yes –  go find yourself a lovely girlfriend who will be yours and won’t keep making herself feel good by dangling you around like a puppet on a string. You’re worth better – go find it!  

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Am i turning bi?

Posted on May 31, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I just turned 50 this month. When I was a young teen i played doctor w a female first cousin and my step brother. He and I had a great time of jerking and sucking each other off as well as taking showers together. We both have our own families and he hopes I never tell anyone what we did.

There was always a playboy or penthouse at home when i was growing up. I’ve always liked girl on girl scenes. However, now I like seeing man, man on each other and a woman clips. Does that mean i’m becoming bi? I do think about another man and i sucking each other and fucking my wife. Although raised a fundamentalist my wife loves looking at men’s cocks in porno mags and videos.

I look forward to your answer.


All kids play doctor. Many kids sex-play with siblings. And most adults have gay sexual fantasies. Does it mean anything? No.

What returning to fantasies or sexual memories of childhood may mean, however, is either an underlying dissatisfaction with something in your present life or a simple case of midlife crisis or introspection. It’s entirely significant and unsurprising that you just turned 50. That’s the age when most of us look back over more years behind than are probably in front, and wonder; what if…I’d done that, gone there, tried this, avoided the other? You might like to consider what is going on in your life and if either thinking it over yourself or talking it over with your wife, or asking for a session or two with a counsellor from Relate might help.

It’s also the time when married sex can hit a bit of a rut and maybe needs spicing up a bit. Have a look at some of my books to see some suggestions that keep it between you and your wife. I do hear from may couples wondering about introducing another person into their bed, who ask whether making that fantasy real could help. You’ll hear some people saying it can work. I’m of the firm opinion that fantasy is fun when it is just that – firmly in your head or simply play-acted between you. But it’s your life and your choice.

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The phone sex is good but I want love!

Posted on May 31, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, 

 Im a gay guy. Im hoping you can help me. I had a boyfriend for about a year and a half and things were going alright, the only blunder was that he lived about 2 1/2 hours drive away, tricky I know but Ive had friends whose long distance relationships worked such as this.

 We broke up because he said that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that this was due to the pressures in his life (home life). Obviously he expected me to move on and I did temporarily with someone else for about a month but things didn’t work out. The thing that got to me was as I mentioned that I was seeing someone else there was no compassion from this person anymore it was like “Im not bothered” mode. But when we speak on the phone we well… get into phone sex. During that phone call we speak together like old times and it makes me happy. My feelings then tell me that this person does care but he still enforces in his manner that he’s still not ready for a relationship. Despite the lovely phone calls we occasionally have, he rarely replies to my txt messages. But the ones he does reply to have kisses on and he calls me sexy etc. Im so crazy for this guy (even after a year we’ve spilt up) and being with him would make me complete. I still hope that one day the situation may change in his personal life and things may happen again, but unsure which way to go. I’ve tried to move on with other people and Im just not happy with them, I dont feel anything for them. Our personailities were so unique to each others and thats what made us click. Please tell me what you think I should do? Many thanks for your time.

 You said picking someone who lived 2 ½ hours drive away was a blunder but I wonder whether it was part of your appeal to him. He sounds to me like someone who  finds it hard to commit and who likes to keep his sexual partners at arms length – safely out of intimacies way.

 The phone sex would fit in with that. Phone sex is a lovely way of regular, loving and faithful partners who happen to be apart to keep the spark and the closeness going. There is something entirely intimate about that voice right in your ear. But phone sex is also very separating – it is, after all, sex at a considerable distance and effectively keeps you strictly away from him. People sometimes use it when they like the sex, like the person but are scared and unwilling to put themselves on the line in a full time relationship.

There is, of course, another interpretation of his behaviour. You seem out to friends and family – is he? Sporadic contact that is passionate and close but that is strictly controlled by one party often happens when one of you – the one being elusive – is still living the lie and not willing to ‘fess up to the fact that their love interest is the same sex. Being in “Not bovvered” mode doesn’t actually mean he doesn’t care; it could mean he cares all too much but cares just as much about keeping his true self under wraps. Maybe he needs your help and encouragement to be true to himself.

 Let’s get a few things straight. There is no such thing as the One and Only Person For You. I’m sure your personalities click and he is gorgeous and you’d be happy together. But I’m equally certain you’re gorgeous and lovely and that there are a dozen guys out there who could make you happy, given the chance. The problem at the moment is that by keeping up this contact – he may have broken up with you but you never broke up with him! – you’re blocking yourself off from them. I can’t tell you the number of people I hear from or counsel who assure me one person, who is making them miserable, is the only one for them and anyway they never meet anyone who might be better. And they do finally break up and what a surprise, very soon after a real catch comes in the door.  

 So if I were you, I’d ask this guy what is the problem. Is it not being out? Is it someone else? Is it that he’s scared of committing? Tell him you can’t go on with things like they are. That gives him a chance to think it over and either finish properly or come across. If he can’t give you the proper relationship you clearly want and are so obviously worthy of, stop hanging on and go on out and find yourself the love you richly deserve.

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Should I end my marriage?

Posted on May 31, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

My wife recently had an affair with another man which totally devastated me, I left home and moved into an apartment of my own and have been there for 3 months. This was not her first affair, she’s had three that I know of and I thought this was the final straw and I was prepared to end the marriage, we’ve been married for 30 years! She stated that she didn’t love me anymore and wanted to leave and be with the other man but he has since broken up with her leaving her all alone.

During the time we were apart I started to see socially a dear friend that I’ve known for nine years and have become very close to her, however my wife asked me to give her another chance professing her love for me and now I’m torn in two and am so confused.

I’ve told my friend that I’m moving back home and have effectively moved back in with my wife, I still feel love for her and we never lost contact throughout the time we were apart and met each other often because we have an 11 year old child and I babysat while she worked nights, we used to meet on Mondays which are my day off and we often had sex too.

My friend has told me that she has strong feelings for me and I too have strong feelings for her although nothing has happened between us, I can’t get her out of my mind. She’s backed off me now and has cut off all communication and has said that I should give the reconciliation 100% but I feel I can’t do it anymore, my heart isn’t in it.

I find the whole situation intolerable and I really don’t know what to do, I feel that in my friend I’ve met my true soulmate and that we would be very happy together but neither of us wants to have an illicit affair. Help!

It sounds very sad and you have my sympathy. Clearly, you can’t go on as it is – something has to change!

There are two situations here and I think your real problem is that you are confusing the two. You seem to be feeling that your relationship with the other woman depends on whether or not you make a go of it with your wife. Thus, you keep thinking of the two women and swinging between one and the other, not being able to settle your mind on one or the other. Surely it would be so much better to address one before the other. You have been married for 30 years and have a child with your wife. You have a lot invested emotionally in that, so focus on that relationship first.

You were together for almost 20 years before having a child. I wonder why? Fertility problems? Or was the child an attempt to reignite or patch together an ailing marriage – an attempt that does not seem to have worked. You say your wife has had three affairs that you know of and tells you she doesn’t love you. She came back to you because her lover let her down. You still love her, and most important you have a child between you, but you do seem to be saying that her behaviour has hurt you and left you lacking in trust – or in self esteem and self worth.

If I were you I’d make an appointment with a Relate counsellor. I wouldn’t ask her to go – I’d make it a given; you’re going and she’s invited to come along too. With the counsellor, explore and understand your pain and hurt and maybe hers too. Discuss what you want and how you might co-operate to get it. That may be to stay together, with some commitment and some work. Or it may be to agree to end your couple relationship and be co-parents but not partners. If you decide that, then you can approach your friend and start again as a free man. Good luck!

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He cusses every other word!

Posted on May 31, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I am recently got engaged and have a boyfriend who cusses just about everyother word. I was not raised like this and however use it here and there, but never in every sentence and everyother word. I have repeatly expressed to him that this is wrong and that it bothers me specially since we are going to one day have little ones. He is short tempered and as he gets anger he increases the use of word. He has expressed to me that the word B…. has various meaning and the way that I preceive it is incorrect.. He has told me FY many times and this hurts me so bad and make me cry because I never cuss at him. He then apolizes and promises to change. However he then goes back to his old way and cont’ thinking I am just a goodie 2 shoes and that cussing with the word A–, b—–, FY, S— is fine. Please advice me am I beening to picky if I feel strongly about this? I fear that this short tempt will turn into hurting me later and being a family problem. How should I go about helping him cease this behavior if he thinks there is nothing wrong other than my over reaction?


Swearing worries me because it shows a lack of control, particularly over anger. And when you can’t control your anger first you use words and then you use fists. But what worries me most is that this man you say you’re planning to marry has so little respect and love for you that when you clearly say “This thing you do hurts me. Please don’t do it” he argues with and belittles you.

We all use language differently. Some people don’t feel certain words are as offensive as other people consider them to be. For everyone who says bloody this and bloody that there is someone who would sew up their lips rather than let such a sentiment pass them. And to a certain extent, there are times and places when such words are appropriate. You wouldn’t get far in the forces if objected to such language.

But there are limits and when two people decide to combine their lives, what you bring to the table is a willingness to gather up family traditions and ways of doing things and put them together in a way that suits both of you. You feel strongly about this. You have every right to feel strongly and to ask him to change. If he had a good reason to want to defend his behaviour – if you were talking about family styles of when and how to eat tea, for instance – he may have a case to say “This is how I do it and this is how I feel comfortable”. But swearing is something else.

As I said, it is allied to violent action and if he can’t stop the words I’d worry that he also couldn’t stop the hitting once you and he were married. And while swearing may be something so-called ‘manly men’ think is normal in the workplace, it is also a serious barrier to advancement in education and work. It will hurt his job prospects if he won’t rein it in. And if he can rein it in at work, he can do so at home.

And we haven’t even touched on the effect on children, which is to both frighten then worry and confuse them but eventually desensitise them. If he sends his kids to school swearing like that he may think it funny, they pretty soon will not.

His refusal to listen to your point of view is the thing that worries me most. This isn’t the act of a loving man ready for marriage. If you want to give him a chance, ask him to go with you to Relate to have a few sessions with a counsellor as preparation for a good and happy marriage and bring it up there. Because if it isn’t addressed I fear you are right – this short temper will turn into hurting you later and will become a family problem.

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