He’s 18, I’m 54. Am i right to feel guilty?

Posted on May 31, 2007 by Suzie

 

I’m a 54 year old woman, i have been together with a boy who just turned 18. I’m starting to feel very guilty and it doesn’t feel right. But he was so wonderful and I’m starting to fall in love with him. I think he loves me too, but it’s against every traditional norms, and if any of my fellow 60 year old friends find out that i have been together with him, they will think i’m crazy and they will stop talking with me. Please help me Suzie!!!

Age differences are funny things. When one person is 14 and the other is 30, I think you’d be clear about the fact this is a potentially abusive relationship, whichever of them was male or female. And if one were 54 and the other person was 38, you’d know it was equal. But 54 and 18 – whether the younger is male or female? If you read about this, what would you think? And if you were male and he was female, what would you think? The essence is whether the younger person is mature and independent enough to be making a free choice, untainted by any notion of the other having authority over them or being seen by the younger as special, impressive and all-powerful simply by virtue of their age.

You say you’re starting to feel guilty and that it doesn’t feel right. And your instincts are correct. I’m sure he’s wonderful and yes, I know it does on some level feel lovely. But the traditional norms are there for a good reason; not to be a killjoy, not to shield you from jealous old biddies but to protect both of you from doing something potentially harmful.

When an older person goes with a younger, both of them get an immediate ‘payoff’. The older buys youth and beauty and a big, fat boost to their self esteem – “Look at me, still young and good looking enough to be loved by someone half (or in this case, a third) my age. I can still cut it!” The younger feels ““Look at me, mature and wise and clever enough to be able to attract someone three times my age. Wow, I must have something special”. The younger one looks at people their own age and feels warm and protected by the greater experience and skills of the older, and looks down, sometimes with contempt, on the fumbling attempts of their contemporaries.

But sooner or later, it all ends in tears. Both realise you’re speaking a different language – you have three generations separation on tastes and experiences, on likes and dislikes and on common friends. The younger realises they can’t get to enjoy and explore new experiences because the older is always there, in effect saying “Oh how boring, I’ve done that, been there.” And once they go back to being with people there own age, they don’t fit because however much they may want to be a young person again, they still have learned to look down on and despise inexperience.

I think you need to honestly look at why you feel so drawn, and why you feel so out of control about this. The reality is you have full control over your actions and however much you may look, you don’t have to touch. He’s nice, he’s good looking, he’s sweet but he’s 18 years old and young enough to be your grandson. If not for your sake, leave him alone for his sake.

But what’s happening in your life that going back some 36 years seems so attractive? If you’ve lost someone lately or something has made you feel alone or angry or upset, deal with that and soon. Don’t see the remedy in this – it isn’t there, I promise you.

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I dont want to make the first move, in case he knocks me back.

Posted on May 27, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,  

I really fancy this guy who i work with and i use to go to school with him. I’ve only really got to know him since we have started working together, as we never really use to talk in school. 

We get on really well and he always makes me laugh and anytime we are on a break, he always comes and sits down beside me. Also anytime we see each other in work he always comes to talk to me or i always go over to see him. But i normanlly have to strike up the conversation.

In work i sometimes catch him looking over at me and he has caught me doing the exact same. He also gives me a wee smile when i see him or he sometimes gives me a cheeky grin followed by a wave.

We both always joke around with each other and make playful comments about each other. 

Everytime i see him my heart skips a beat and i feel myslef blushing. I also notice when we are talking he touches and rubs his neck and he fiddles slightly! are these good signs??? 

But im really confused wheter or not hes into me and we only really see each other in work! I really wish their was a way to know or if he would even give me a sign! Because i really dont want to make the first move, incase he knocks me back. 

I’ve felt this way about him for many months and its driving crazy!

 
One of the joys of being a human being is that we’re not telepathic; we can’t read minds. That’s a joy because it means you can be surprised by people, retain your own identity and can keep your own thoughts private. But it’s also a pain because … well, because we can’t read minds and that means  we can’t tell what other people think of us or about us. Sometimes that’s a relief – you’d hate to be privy to some people’s thoughts about you! But it means that any move to strengthen a relationship carries some risk; one of you has to take the first step and make themselves vulnerable. Just in case you’ve got it wrong and you like them but they don’t feel the same about you.

We may not be able to read minds but our body language gives a lot of it away. And whether you realise it or not, you pick up on the clues and cues. Much of the time, we like someone partly because they like us. He looks at you, smiles at you, comes across to talk to you, fiddles and by the sound of it gets hot and bothered when he does.

 Good grief, woman – what more of a hint do you need? Well, I know what you want. You want him to be the one to take the risk. But isn’t that unfair? Men always have to be the ones making the first move, and it’s damn hard. It wouldn’t be so bad if there weren’t silly women around who either take a delight in putting down and being nasty to guys to take the risk, or allowed themselves to get so twisted up that they flunk the chance when offered them.

 So – get a grip. If you like him, take that risk. Say “Seen that new film? Want to come with me tomorrow?” or “Fancy a drink after work this Friday?” Or “Some friends of mine are having a barbecue/a party/going to see a band… want to join me?” If he knocks you back, it won’t be the end of the world. Far, far worse is saying nothing then standing by as some braver woman steps in and whisks him away. Then you’d feel sick, wouldn’t you? He may not turn out to be the love of your life. But you’ll never know unless and until you try.

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Does she like me?

Posted on May 27, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, 

 Hi met this girl a couple a weeks ago through my sister and get on really, she want to take thinhs slowly because of her last boyfriend (they ended up in bed on the first nite) she text me first nearly everyday. the other day she texted me saying that she miss me and relise that she enjoy my company. does that mean she likes me alot? we kiss and hold hands

 Yep, sounds to me she likes you a lot. Sounds to me as if you like her a lot, too. Want my 5 tips for having a happy relationship?

1)      Be honest. If you like her, tell her so. So many relationships are ruined by people playing silly “play it cool” games. You don’t tell her, she doesn’t tell you. Then one of you gets the idea the other one doesn’t care and flounces off. Such a waste!

2)      Be decent. Stay faithful and if your feelings change, let her down sympathetically, carefully and honestly.

3)      Be reciprocal. Always act to the other person as you’d like them to act to you. Kindness, attention, a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on go a long way.

4)      Go at her pace. But let her know your pace too. If you’re keen she needs to know, but if she wants to take it slowly you need to value that.

5)      Show and feel respect. If you think she’s worthwhile and say so, she’ll feel the same about you.

Good luck!

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Do my fantasies mean i’m bi-curious or gay?

Posted on May 27, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I am a 31 year old male and have been in a wonderful relationship since I was 18 with a woman whom I adore. However, since my early twenties, I’ve also had frequent homosexual fantasies. Normally, I just pass it off as being curious, but over the last two years, there have been about 4 occasions where I have almost panicked about being gay. I do enjoy heterosexual sex with my wife, but often, I prefer my homosexual fantasies. Every now and then, my gay ‘yearnings’ are very strong and if I wasn’t married, would probably look to indulge in some experimentation. We are looking to start a family and I am terrified that in a few years, I will become more ‘gay’ than straight. I also feel extremely guilty when I have these fantasies – almost like I am lying to the person I love most in the world. Should I tell her about these fantasies – a little voice in my head keeps telling me I should, but I think she would find it incredibly difficult? While I have these gay fantasies, I could never see myself living a gay lifestyle, but I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t like to try it once. I am extremely upset about this and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Gay fantasies are one of the most common sort of sexual fantasies for straight people of both sex. Just, you may be surprised to hear, as are straight fantasies for gay men and women! Which underlines the whole issue of what is a sexual fantasy. It’s something you dabble with in your mind that gives you a frisson, not something you necessarily think about as rehearsal. It can be argued that the whole sexual kick of a fantasy is that it needs to be something you wouldn’t like to do for real.

Another common one is rape fantasies and you aren’t going to tell me that the fact that someone dreams of being tied up or beaten or humiliated and taken against their will in any way means they’d like it if it actually happened to them. What you think about in a fantasy is often a code; if you feel slightly embarrassed about your desires or hear the “Tut, tut” of a parent or feel the slapped hand of childhood, you may imagine being forced as a way of denying responsibility. “Look!” your mind says “I know I’m enjoying being a complete sexual pig but it’s not my fault! I can’t help it!”.

If homosexuality was held up to you in your development as being the big fear, the great and ultimate degradation and sign of being a sexual outlaw it may have achieved in your mind not just a taboo but the appeal of forbidden fruit. It excites you. It gets you going. And what’s wrong with that? When you imagine it, you aren’t actually doing it. I know Jimmy Carter famously berated himself for having been unfaithful in his mind, but it isn’t infidelity and it isn’t really happening.

Consider this – how do you know your wife isn’t thinking of someone lese or something else when she makes love to you? It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be right there, right then – it just means she employs a little extra to add some spice to the proceedings.

OK– having said that; yes, it is possible that you have a part of you that wants to explore your gay side. I’m not a believer in the theory that people are one side of the door of sexuality – one gay, they other straight and once through you can’t go back. I think everyone is strung out along a continuum from completely gay to completely straight, and that depending where we are we may stick with one sex, or swing from wanting to have sex with someone of the same or the opposite sex at that time. And many people do change over time, back and forth.

What might help is this. You need to think about what sex and sexuality means to you. Does the thought of gay sex scare you or arouse you because of the messages you were given about sex and sexuality when you were growing up? Is it something you’d actually like to explore in real life, or safely in your mind where you have control of the script? You may find it especially helpful to talk this through with someone sympathetic and professional such as a counsellor or someone from Lesbian and Gay Foundation, on 0845 3 30 30 30 .

Depending on what you decide, you may relax into accepting these feelings as no more than the fantasies of many straight people, and then it’s up to you as to whether you share them with your partner or keep them to yourself. I explore all issues about sexual fantasies, including how to use them to spice up your love life, in my book Sexual Fantasies – go to my Books page and follow the link to Amazon if you want to see more.

Or, of course, you may decide action is preferable to dreams. In which case please note it’s just as much infidelity if it’s gay sex, and any sex is dangerous unless you use protection. Not going wholly gay and just playing around on the fringes puts you at risk of sexual infections just as much as taking the plunge and coming out. Good luck!

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How can my sister stop this harrassment?

Posted on May 9, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, my sister is divorced with 3 children(11,7&5), her ex has shared care via the courts & cafcas. Her ex & his new partner do anything to harass my sister the latest is reporting her for assault even though they attaked her. They have reported her to social services and the police on numreous occasions and constantly put her down and call her names in front of the children. The children are very nervous & scared, she is at a loss what she can do because of the shared care. A neutral drop off is no use as he’s always very late and also no one else wants to get involved because of repercussions. What can she do to avoid all this madness in front of her children? She wants nothing to do with her ex but has to see him when dropping the children off. It’s over 4 years since they split but his behavior is getting worse not better – it seems he wants to destroy her and doesn’t care what effect it has on the children. Please can you give any advice what she can do or how to manage the situation better for her sake and the childrens. Thank you.


This sounds a frightening and very depressing situation, not only for your sister but the children…and you! You do have my sympathy.

I have three suggestions. One is that she get in touch with Child Contact Centres, a charity that offers places where children can meet and play with the parent or other family members with whom they do not live, in a safe and supervised environment. She them wouldn’t actually have to see him – she could drop off the children who will be safe until he arrives. Contact them at National Association of Child Contact Centres, or call 0115-948-4557. they are experienced in dealing with such situations and can offer help and advice.

The other is that she address the terrible harassment both by getting support from her own local social services, and a solicitor experienced in such situations.

She needs someone from her social services on her side and to whom she can go if he attacks her again so both sides are heard. An experienced solicitor would do their best to make this a discussion rather than a fight. It sounds as if her ex and his partner see this as a fight for the children they must win at all costs, rather than a challenge to unite as co-parents.

A solicitor from Resolution – first for family law can give advice on any family dispute especially involving separation and divorce, but encourage mediation and agreement rather than confrontation. And if it seems as if this behaviour is affecting the children, steps may be taken to give him a choice – stop doing it or stop seeing the children.

And a third is that she use social services or her family doctor to get some counselling support both for herself and her children. A family therapist may be able to help her and the children cope with the harassment by recognising it as her ex’s problem, not hers or theirs. Good luck!

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I fancied the pants off her!

Posted on May 6, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, 

theres this girl that works in my FAVOURITE store. i noticed her around christmas time when i was in shopping with my mum, as soon as i saw her i fancied the pants off her. around the end of jan i saw her out but i was extremely drunk. i got to make out with her though and she told me she fancied me. however her friends came over to me and told me she had a boyfriend and that they were in-love. i hadnt went into the shop after that cause i couldnt remember alot of the things she was talkin to me about that night and i probably said some things that i shoudnt have. the other week i went into the shop and she was there my friend said to me if the girl that i liked was workin there that day. i didnt want to turn round to look, then she said ‘is it one of those three girls looking at u over there?’ lol but i couldnt look around to check. we went downstairs again after being upstairs and eventualy i saw her. my friend told me that she had been staring at me while i was there. when i went to the register i looked at her, she was lookin at me but when i looked back at her she looked away. i saw her last week out of the shop twice in one day aswell i REALLY want to ask her out but im afraid she still might have a boyfriend but because i keep meeting her im pretty sure im meant to go out with her. how do i ask her out, and know without getting hurt that she has/hasnt a boyfriend?

thx for ur time 🙂

 
You know all those ads which promise you “An easy way to lose weight in three weeks without having to work at it” or “How to gain a 6 pack in a fortnight without any pain”? Well, they lie. Life is not pain free and neither is it easy. If you want to get the girl you have to do something about it, and you have to risk being turned down. If she has a boyfriend and doesn’t want to go out with you, it’s going to hurt. If she hasn’t got a boyfriend and still doesn’t want to go out with you, it will hurt. But not knowing and constantly worrying and wondering seems to me to be the most painful option of all.

 I know it feels difficult and scary but the only way you’ll ever know is if you get in touch with her. And i think you should. Has it occurred to you to think what the situation looks like to her, so far? This guy staggered up to you, pissed out of his mind, a few months ago. He made out with you, seemed to listen to you, probably slurred out “I love you!” and then staggered off…and never got in touch again. What’s more, he keeps coming by with his mates and when you catch his eye he turns away, disdainfully. As far as you can see, he took advantage of you, laughs at you behind your back with his mates and wants nothing to do with you. All you can think is “What did I do wrong?”

 You don’t want her to think like that about you, do you? Specially when you like her so much and would so like to be with her. If for no other reason than to be a decent human being rather than a prat, you owe her an explanation and an apology. You need to tell her you fancied the pants off her and still do. That you really, really regret the only time you spent with her was when you were too drunk to remember what she said or what you did. And that if she doesn’t have a boyfriend you’d really like to ask her out and make up for all that. And if she does, you’ll wait around until she finishes with him.

That so hard? Well – yes, I know, it is. But if you want to be someone that someone like her would like to be with, it’s what you need to do. If you can’t say it to her face, write it in a letter and send it to her or get your friend to take it to her. You owe it to her.

 And you owe it to yourself to make a better impression than you already have. Remember two things for the future. One is, if you want to score don’t get drunk. Getting drunk may seem a big laugh but the truth is it’s dangerous, it’s unpleasant and it’s a turn off. The other is if you want to get off with a girl, treat her with respect and tell her what you think and what you feel. Try “I really fancy you. Come out with me?” It’s simple, it’s honest and it gets it done. Good luck!

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I can’t take my mum’s depression!

Posted on May 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i live with my mum, her boyfriend, my older brother and my baby brother, since my baby brother has been born my mum has had to take anti-depressant pills, in my opinion they’re not working, over about a year she’s had serious depression and starts crying over little things like me and my brother not tidying our rooms. we’ve done all we could, helped around the house, kept everything tidy, done our school work, but then still she just says she cant cope with everything and starts crying again, hearing her cry is like nails on a chalk board to me and i dont have a clue what to do about it. just yesterday our dog had to be put down and shes been upset even more, then today she just said to me and my brother, i need to go away for a few days i cant live like this anymore, ring your dad and stay with him. ive rang my dad but cant get through, my mums boyfriend takes care of us fine and i dont think hes done anything wrong its just her, should i try talking to her? or just let her be and see what happens? please help

This is such a sad situation and I do sympathise so much. It sounds as if your Mum is suffering from post natal or ‘after a birth’ depression. Pills can often help to tide you over the worst but counselling and support are what people mostly need. Both her doctor and her health visitor should be helping her but it sounds as if they are missing how desperate she is.

But – and here’s the big but…it’s not your responsibility to look after your Mum. I know you love her and care for her and want to do your best by her. But she’s the parent and you’re the child and you simply shouldn’t have to take this on your shoulders. You must have your own sadness about your dog, and your own fears about your mother so who’s looking after you?

Have a word with her boyfriend – I’m so glad he seems to be supportive and caring. Tell him you know she’s in a bad way and it’s scaring and saddening you but you can’t do any more than you are doing. Ask him to talk with her doctor or her health visitor and impress on them how very depressed she is and how much she needs help, and how much it is affecting you too. There is lots of help available for mums with past natal depression – as well as her own doctor she or he can contact NHS Direct on 0845 4647 and Parentline Plus on 0808 800 2222.

Then, get some support for yourself. When you can get through to your Dad, will he be helpful? Do you have a teacher you can trust? Or another relative? If not, call Childline on 0800 1111 for someone to talk to – you deserve a shoulder to lean on! Good luck!

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I really like this boy but I’m shy!

Posted on May 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, im 14 and i really like this boy and he goes to my school, we talk on msn but then when we see eachother at school i cant bring myself to say hi to him and he hangs around waiting for me to say some thing to him but im too shy! he acts like he likes me but im just not sure enough! one time i turned around and he sed “u ite” and i didnt even smile or anything to make him say that! i always see him walking home and walking to school aswell! i have had loads of chances to say something but i just dont no if i can because i dont know if he likes me or not or what he is going to do! please help me as im really confused!

 
You talk on msn. He hangs around waiting for you to talk to him. He ‘acts like he likes’ you. He even said something to you. And you’re still saying you’re not sure if he like you? Good grief girl – what more do you want? A banner?

 From what you’ve said, yes he likes you. From what you’ve said, he too is shy but he has tried to break the ice. He’s probably lying awake at night obsessing over the fact that you ignore him when he tries to talk with you and won’t even acknowledge he exists. He probably can’t understand why you’ll chat on msn but won’t even give him the time of day in real life.

 Ok, you’re shy. You have my sympathy but all of us start out shy. Yes, it makes it hard and it feels scary to screw up courage and make a step towards someone. But have a heart. He’s trying – he’s gone out on a limb and made the effort for you. Boys have a tough time because we tend to expect them to make the first move, and it’s horrible having to be the one to risk rejection. And you have rejected him, by ignoring him when he tried.

 If I were you, I’d go straight onto msn tonight and send him a message. Tell him you like him. Tell him you’re shy. Tell him you’re sorry you ignore him when you see him on the way to school and on the way home. Tell him you’re sorry you ignored him when he tried to speak to you. Tell him in spite of your shyness you’d like to get to know him in real life. And ask him to come and speak to you tomorrow. When he comes up to you, take a deep breath and say “Hi.” And then, instead of only thinking about yourself, start thinking of him. Consider how he feels, and consider what he’s saying and what he’s like. That’s the way to make friendships work. I know it’s hard, but I also know you can do it! Good luck!

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I can’t say anything back!

Posted on May 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i need help am i being bullyed because my so callled friend is always calling me names!! im fed up with it but i carnt say anything back because i have’nt got the guts please help me !!:(

 What do you mean by ‘say anything back’? Bad mouth your friend as your friend is bad mouthing you? That doesn’t take guts. Being nasty is a result of either being mean or having a lack of self confidence. We put other people down to make ourselves feel up. But it doesn’t work, it just makes us feel even worse.

 So next time your friend says something horrible say “I thought we were friends. Friends say nice things about each other, they don’t hurt each other. That’s a hurtful thing to say.” And if your friend doesn’t think again and start being nice, go off and find yourself some new friends.

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A strange attraction to aggression

Posted on May 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

A few weeks ago my Drama class watched a A level group’s play about rape & abuse. One scene in the play was a guy being aggressive towards his wife & ended up raping her.

The problem I’m having is that I got a strange attraction to the guy because of his aggression towards the girl. Ever since then I can only think about such aggression being towards me. I fantasize about being raped.

I find these feelings to be really strange & weird. Is it normal to feel like this? or am I just strange?


You’re not strange. But I think one of the reasons you were shown this play was to highlight your common reaction.

We are often aroused by things that are exciting in theory but horrible in fact. Almost everyone has sexual fantasies. We can daydream about being swept off to a desert island by a film star or romanced by someone we know. But sexual fantasies also often contain elements of domination or coercion. Rape fantasies – your raping someone or being raped by them – are actually very common. The point is that by imaging yourself compelled you can absolve yourself of guilt; look, it’s not my fault I’m having wild, passionate sex – I’m being forced!

But the absolutely vital key to consider about all this is that whatever your fantasy about being made to do it and being out of control…you are in total control of the dream. That’s the difference between fantasy rape and real rape. One is a script you write, direct and manage. The other is a total and catastrophic loss of power, and traumatic as such.

But the other thing important consider, and that I think this was designed to make you consider, is that some of us gravitate towards relationships in which humiliation, violence and aggression play a part. Why do we do it? Usually, it’s because somewhere in our lives we’ve been made to feel worthless, and see this sort of relationship as our due.

Or, we’ve been let down by a man – a father or stepfather – and gravitate towards a boyfriend or partner who does the same in the hope that we can replay the original relationship but make it end happily. I hear from so many girls who ‘love’ men who abuse them and that’s their hope; he’s really nice they think, and if only they could do the right thing, he’d reform and treat them right.

Sadly, this never happens. If you get yourself trapped in a genuinely abusive relationship only the abuser can clean up his own act – you can’t change him with your own behaviour.

So; it seems like this play started off quite a few issues, didn’t it? If you can see your arousal as something you can keep inside your mind as just something that adds a frisson to sexual play, that’s fine and normal. If it feels as if it’s a warning that an abusive person or an abusive relationship would be something that attracts you, I would take the opportunity to talk this over. Was there time set aside to talk it over after the play? Did you raise these issues? Could you, now? If you just said you found the man disturbingly attractive I bet half the class would agree and thank you for letting them also debate it. Think about all the ‘bad boys’ in films and literature we love and are attracted to. It’s all very fine and fun – unless we let it become dangerously real without realising what’s happening.

If you can’t talk about it in school, what about with someone you trust such as a relative or friend or a teacher. Or, ask for some counselling help through your GP. Good luck!

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