Is it time to call it a day?

Posted on May 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I’ve been in my current relationship for a year now and I’m wondering whether it’ s time to call it a day. At first things were exciting and optimistic and I adored my boyfriend’s sincere and genuine character. Even though a year has gone, this relationship hasn’t progressed, due to my boyfriends lack of commitment. He prioritizes his friends over me, and I feel totally unimportant to him, as he only sees me when he wants. I feel like the bit on the side, I want more out of this relationship than he’s giving. My boyfriend suggests we take it to the next level and sleep together, but I’m not sure if he’s doing this for the right reasons. I’m unsure whether sleeping with him will benefit our relationship together and make us stronger, or if it’ s just an excuse for him to get his leg over. His behaviour has changed gradually over the months, as he’s become cocky and immature, being influenced by his childish friends. He’s changed so much that he is quite disrespectful to me and doesn’t treat me like the gentleman that he once was, and the constant name-calling is annoying me. Is this the right time to break up with him, or should I patiently wait for this childish phase to run its course? I’m really confused on what to do as my feelings have grown very strong for this guy and I can’t bear the thought of being alone, but I’m not satisfied with the state of the relationship, what do you suggest I do?

 
Woah! You’re thinking of sleeping with a man who, in your own words, only sees you when he wants, prioritises his friends over you, is disrespectful and calls you names and is cocky and immature. Put like that, is there any question? Do you think having sex is going to make him suddenly mature, caring, respectful and committed. I think not.

 I don’t necessarily think it’s because the relationship has run its course. It sounds to me as if, as is so often the case, you as a girl are several years ahead of him as a boy. You see this as a relationship – something that deepens and develops. He seems to be at an emotional age when it just stays as it is – you’re going out and so what. Oh – but he’d like a bit of sex. Boys can separate sex from emotion – it’s a nice sensation and that’s that. For women, and mature men, sex comes as part of a committed association. It’s something we do because it feels nice, but more important it’s something we do with someone we love, to show that love.

 If he cleans up his act and chose to prioritise you ahead of friends, to spend time with you, to show love and care and respect for you, then maybe you’d see sex between you as a natural progression. Doing it in the hope that it would make him be nicer is a one way ticket to humiliation and hurt.

 What worries me about him is that it wasn’t that you got to know him when he was ‘childish’ and so were you. You got to know him when he acted decently, and it’s only lately he’s begun to act like this. That speaks to me of someone who either takes you nastily for granted, or someone who has ceased to care. Either way I don’t think it’s something to wait out. As a general lesson in life, I’d say don’t ever, ever make excuses for anyone who treats you badly and don’t ever, ever hang around hoping it will get better. If a friend treats you with a lack of respect, drop them. You deserve better.

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My parents pick on me

Posted on May 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, 

          I’m 16 and two years ago I met and fell for someone on the internet who turned out to be a rapist. When i found out i stopped e-mailing him but he continued to e-mail me. After a year the e-mails started getting threatening. And last Christmas he sent a death threat. I told my parents and after a week or two of begging they contacted the police. Ever since then my parents have been picking at me and giving me spiteful comments over it. They think it’s just a joke and just laugh at me. I’ve tried to tell them how i feel but they just see it that i won’t join in the joy but every time they do it its like another whole in my heart and i’m desperate. I start my exams in two weeks so need to sort it now. Can you please help me? 

Thankyou 

 

What a horrible thing to have happened to you. But I do wonder what your parents were thinking about. Did they not believe you?  Sometimes, parents want so much to protect their children that they can’t bear the thought they might have let you down. They may have refused to contact the police because they didn’t want to recognise the danger in this man and the very real fear and upset he caused you. To do so would have meant they would have also faced up to the fact that they hadn’t protected you from him.

 And now, they want to make a joke of it either to go on defending themselves, or because they think by making light of it they may get you to feel less traumatised. Clearly, that hasn’t worked and no wonder; being defensive and not listening to you isn’t going to make this go away.

 Whatever happened and why ever it happened is now irrelevant. What matters is that you are upset and feel your parents aren’t listening to you.  Until you feel heard and valued, you’re going to feel let down by them. If you feel you can’t get through to them by trying one more time to say “Mum and Dad, this really frightened me and I need your support and understanding about it” then it’s time to call in outside help

 Do you have a teacher you trust who you can ask to see and explain exactly what you’ve told me? Or a relative you love and trust such as a grandparent? Or can you see your doctor – your doctor must see you on your own and keep what you say between you unless you give permission for it to go further, especially since you’re over 16.  Get some help – you deserve it. Good luck!

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Will we bring each other down?

Posted on May 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I recently met this guy who I have felt a connection with and really like.  I know he feels the same way for me but I’m worried.  We’re both quite depressive and I’m worried we’ll bring each other down, and secondly he’s moving away in August and I don’t know whether to let things continue now.  I really care for him.

 You never know how long a relationship is going to last. Someone living next door could stay friends for twenty years or two days. Someone living half a globe away could be your best mate for two days or twenty years. Me – I’d never pass up the chance to spend time with someone I liked and who liked me, whatever future plans may be.

 But it concerns me that you automatically go for the worst option – that you’ll depress each other. You’re a real “the glass is half empty, not half full” person, aren’t you? And that is what I would like to suggest you consider changing. Ask your doctor for a referral to some talking therapy – NLP or neuro-linguistic programming my be particularly helpful for you. In NLP, we look at the ways we interpret events and the messages we give ourselves. You, for instance, talk yourself into seeing the downside. Not – ‘oh, it will be lovely to spend time with him even if he is going away’, but ‘oh, his going away will spoil it and we’ll depress each other’. NLP helps you re-programme your attitude from negative to positive.

Whether you do continue with this relationship or not, I’d strongly suggest you ask your doc for such help. Good luck!

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I’m tearing my hair out

Posted on May 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i have trichotillomania, have researched it, but can’t stop.  please help.

 

Trichotillomania, or tearing out and sometimes eating your own hair, is a recognised behaviour pattern. We don’t always know why people do it but it is often due to unresolved issues such as stress or loss or grief or anger or guilt. As such, the best support and help would be some sort of talking therapy – counselling or psychotherapy.

 You say you’ve researched it but have you seen a doctor? If not, do. Your doctor will be able to help. If you did and he or she offered you counselling and you recoiled, feeling it was an insult or that you could manage on your own, please be reassured that it was the right suggestion, and no reflection on you or your abilities. Difficult issues do often need professional support if they are to be put to rest, especially if you have no idea what it might be that is affecting you.

 Be further reassured that if you went into therapy, the process would always be in your control. You may be scared in case it ran away with you and that deeply buried issues you don’t want to consider could burst out and overwhelm you. Well, your unconscious mind is giving you a pretty clear ‘heads up!’ that it wants this brought out in the open; not talking doesn’t mean it will go away.

 If your doctor hadn’t suggested therapy, go back and ask for it. Uncovering why you do this will help you deal with the underlying issues so the reason can be dispatched, and while you are doing so you may be able to work out some coping strategies to limit the behaviour until the reason for it is gone. If your doctor won’t help, contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy who can suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to www.bacp.co.uk. Good luck!

 

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I’m 14 and not sure this is normal…

Posted on May 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, Hi,

I am 14 years old and am not sure about my sexuality.

The problem is, all the girls in my class hug me and I get erections, is this normal? Am I straight?

 Please help? (please do not post this on site, please email be back)

 

I’m afraid I can’t mail back to you because I promise confidentiality on this site and that means your email addy isn’t shown to me or retained.  I’m answering because there’s no way anybody would know who you are. Trust me – you could be just about any 14 year old lad in one of hundreds of schools up and down the country! Nobody is going to read this and say “Hey, look – so-and-so wrote to Suzie!” They’ll be too busy thinking “Hey – that’s what I wanted to ask!”.

 Are you straight? Getting sexually aroused by members of the opposite sex suggests so. Are you normal? I should say so. One of the alarming developments for teenage boys is the tendency for their penises to have a life of their own. But don’t worry – it’s normal.

 It happens because you’ll be experiencing not only physical growth but also hormonal swings at this stage in your growth. Your mind starts noticing girls…so does your body. And while deep inside your mind you’re going “Hubba! Hubba! She’s gorgeous!” that pesky penis is saying it too…by leaping to attention.

 You can get erections while you’re sitting in class, walking down the street, watching tv…whatever and whenever. And sometimes you may not be able to work out exactly what set you off. But getting hugged by a girl is likely to do it.

 I would say from what you have said that your sexuality is likely to be heterosexual, or straight. And it’s awakening at the usual time and at the normal rate. My advice is to carry a book or bag you can swing in front of you, or wear a baggy sweatshirt. And don’t worry.

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I made a joke and he dumped me!

Posted on May 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, 

today me and my boyfriend were messing about and then i made a joke. because of this joke he dumped me but he was laughing. i really like him and i hope that he still likes me what should i do?

 Sad to say, relationships at your age don’t always last. He may have stopped seeing you because of this joke, he may have been about to do it anyway. And if he can’t take a joke (unless it was a cruel joke), do you really want to go on being with him?

 Don’t see it as a dumping, though. Did you think you and he were going to go through college together, get married, have kids, grow old in each other’s company? No? Then it was going to finish sometime, wasn’t it? Either of you could have been the one to decide to call it a day. I’m glad you still like him – he may still like you and it’s good to still have affection and care for people we’ve spent time with. That doesn’t mean we still want to have them as special in our lives or be a couple.

 You could go and ask him “What was that about? We still friends?” Maybe you did hurt him and maybe he does deserve an apology. But what you do and what you are isn’t always the reason people change their feelings or what they want. Sometimes, they just change and there’s nothing you can do about it but shrug and accept it as a learning experience. Over a lifetime, you’ll have plenty of good relationships and some bad. Some will last, some will not. Some you’ll end and some the other person will call time on. That’s life.

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i’m being bullied!

Posted on May 1, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i need help i think im being bullyed!!, because my friend is always calling me names and everyone in my group is going to her birthday party but me.

Being left out and called names are very unpleasant things to happen to you. It’s a sad fact of life that even friends can sometimes lash out and hurt you. And while you may think that it needs to involve hitting or other physical harm to be called bullying, actually other ways of making you miserable are just as bad.

But the most important thing to know about bullying is it’s not your fault, it’s probably not even about you and you’re not alone. Kids often start bullying when things in their own lives are going wrong. Maybe your friend needs some help and support to fix whatever it is that is making her see this as a way of feeling in control.

So what can you do? Sometimes, people simply don’t realise how horrible it feels. They take against you and think it feels good to them to get the upper hand by saying things, or doing something like excluding you from an event. They don’t put themselves in your shoes to see how it would feel. And they don’t think how they may regret being so mean when the moment has passed and you’re friends again.

So first thing I’d suggest is letting her know how painful this feels. See her on her own and simply, without making it an argument or an accusation, tell how much it hurts to have her calling you names and leaving you out. If you can’t face her or can’t get her on her own, send her a letter to her house. It’s important that you don’t make it angry or accusatory – you’re not pointing the finger about how she is behaving but how you feel about it. A good formula to use is “When….I feel…because…what I would like is…”

So you might say “When you call me such and such as you did yesterday I feel really sad because I thought we were friends and a name like that makes me feel horrible. What I would like is for us to respect each other and be friends again.” But it’s important for you to put your own words and feelings in there, for it to mean anything to her.

If she brushes this off then the next thing to do is talk with your parents, and a teacher you trust. Your school should have a bullying policy and should work to help pupils show respect and be kind to each other. Your teacher may be able to get the two of you together to explore what is happening and why.

If they don’t do work on this, your parents need to talk it over with a teacher and get this changed. There’s plenty of support from Parentline Plus on bullying for parents – suggest they have a look or ring Parentline on 0808 800 2222. You can get some help and support from Childline on 0800 1111 at anytime, and you could also look at Bullying UK for ideas and support.

Good luck!

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Are her periods about to start?

Posted on April 25, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, my child has had vaginal discharge for 8 months now she is 12 years old and i would really like to know if she has an infection she hasnt had her period is she due her period?

Yes, she very well may be just about to have her first period – she is right slap bang in the age range as girls can have their first periods anytime between 9 and 17. If this discharge is a creamy white, has no unpleasant smell when fresh and gives her no discomfort, it’s more than likely to be “The Whites” – a perfectly normal discharge that tends to appear around 6 months before a first period.

If the discharge itches and irritates and looks cheesy and is smelly, then she may have thrush or yeast infection. Taking antibiotics can trigger thrush as can being run down. So can being in the early stages of developing diabetes, which can emerge at this age, so it may be important to be sure this is the whites and not something else. If she isn’t uncomfortable, if it isn’t smelly, if she hasn’t lost eight and isn’t feeling extra thirsty, tired or sick it’s most likely nothing to be worried about.

If she’s alarmed or has any unpleasant symptoms apart from the discharge, do ask her if she’d like to have a chat with her doctor and support her in seeing someone. But if it’s just a white stain on her kickers, I wouldn’t be worried about it.

The FPA have some excellent leaflets about puberty and periods. And Have You Started yet? by Ruth Thompson or Girls Only! All About Periods and Growing Up by Victoria Parker can inform and reassure both of you.

It’s both a scary and exciting time for a Mum and a child – support each other in enjoying her development, not fearing it. Good luck!

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She’s somebody’s wife, mother, sister – is it ok to fantasise?

Posted on April 25, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

 

     I seem to masturbate never with pornographic imageries as aid; as most people do. explicit magazines are nor exactly my forte; but rather sexy pictures of  white female media and T.V Personalities arouse me more { yes for the record I am a black man} and  feel ashamed, not of the sexual practise itself, but rather the fact that these famous celebrities: Somebody’s wife, mother, or sister is the object  of my sexual desires and fantasies. 

is this harmless fun or do i need help.

 

 

The  people depicted in pornographic magazines or films are somebody’s wife, mother, sister just as much as any other media personalities. The only difference may be that those in the explicit media do what they do knowing and intending that it turns on their audience. Other celebrities do what they do to entertain or inform you…but they’d have to be very naïve to imagine none of their audience will be turned on by them.

 

Sexual fantasies are common and normal. Given that the majority of people actually fantasise about people they know the chances of you being someone’s sexual fantasy are quite high. Does that bother you? Or harm you? No it doesn’t, because the important fact about sexual fantasies is that they are all in your mind. Your mind and no-one else’s. No-one can tell what you are thinking which means no-one can be affected by what you are thinking.

 

There are two situations when they become something to worry about. One is if you find it hard to recognise the boundary between fact and fiction. If you start imagining that the object of your private fantasies is somehow implicated and involved – that your dreams have become real and she too thinks of you and knows what you are doing and consents, then that is a problem. Or, if you become so reliant on your fantasies that you cannot have sex without them or if real relationships take a back seat to your imagined ones, then that is also worrying.  If either of these sounds in any way familiar….seek help from a counsellor. If not, simply enjoy. Plenty of other people do.

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My boobs are small so I’m still a virgin.

Posted on April 23, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, im 15 years of age nearly 16 i started m period back last year but my boobs are quite small im a 32b and they havent grown in ages but they hurt if i accidentily wack them off something does this mean they are stll growing ? im so scared im still a virgin because of it please help me. im 9 stone and 5 ft 7.

 

If you started your periods last year the chances are you have some growing still to do. If you whack breasts of any size and any stage of development – growing or grown – they will hurt. I would say you’re a little  underweight for your height and that would have some effect on your breast size. Eating sensibly as well as doing a reasonable amount of exercise, s well as simply having patience and waiting, would help you fill out.

 If your breast size is the only thing holding you back from losing your virginity I’d say…damn good thing, too. At your age, you’d do well to wait. I can’t tell you the number of letters I get from young people wishing they’d waited a year or so. The ONLY reason you might have sex is because you’ve found someone really, really special, who thinks you’re really, really special too, and both of you simply can’t hold back from showing your feelings.

 And, of course, you’ll have fully discussed the risks of pregnancy and sexual infection and fully agreed what method of contraception you’ll use together. You may opt to go to your doctor to discuss and be prescribed the pill but even so you’d still also use a condom, because unprotected sex at your age slightly increases your risk of developing cancer of the cervix.

 And if that has you reeling back saying “Whoa! No way! As if!” then let me tell you, you’re way to young to be even thinking of having sex, and absolutely right to be scared. Not because of your breasts but because sex isn’t a game and it may be nice and fun, but with nice fun comes great responsibility. What ever you may have thought or heard, most of your friends will wait too. The majority of young people leave their first sexual experience till they are 17 or over.  So – be patient. Wait for your body to develop because it will, and wait for the right time and person to come along, because they will. But not now.

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