I got drunk!

Posted on April 23, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, Last night i stayed over time with one of my colleagues, and as I’d helped him he said he’d take me for a drink.  We get on really well and flirt all the time, and had a great time at the pub.  He walked me home and I invited him in to be polite.  After a few more drinks (by this time I was very drunk) and a lot of heavy flirting we ended up having sex.  Only 1 major problem is he has a girlfriend.  I know feel incredibly guilty, but also I have really strong feelings for him and don’t know how I can alter those feelings.  Please help me.

 

You can’t alter feelings simply by wishing. But you have absolute control over what you do about them and don’t try and fool yourself, or me, that you don’t. You got drunk so as to have the age old excuse “Oh deary me, I simply couldn’t help myself. Oh la!”.

 Doesn’t wash with me and wouldn’t wash with the betrayed girlfriend. Would it wash with you if the shoe was on the other foot? No, it wouldn’t.

 You fancy him. Maybe he fancies you too, or is simply taking advantage – what men see as the “You wouldn’t turn it down if it was offered to you on a plate” clause. Having genuine feelings for each other doesn’t excuse the behaviour. It excuses the emotions, but nothing else. Ultimately, we all have responsibility for our choices and our actions, whether they are triggered by strong emotions or not and whether we lower our inhibitions with substances or not.

 Flirting is fun but you need to know the  boundaries, and be careful about the opportunities. Flirting while at work is one thing; flirting in the pub is another. Inviting him home and continuing the flirting while plying each other with drink is absolutely several steps over the boundary, and you know it.

 Tell him you feel bad about what happened and that it won’t happen again. If he tries it on with you you’ll know one thing for sure; not only does he have no respect for his girlfriend, he has no respect for you. And if I were you, I’d cool it on the flirting.

 It will hurt for some time and yes, you’ll pine. That’s what life’s about – it isn’t pain-free, plain sailing. It will pass. Feelings do fade, if you leave them alone and accept the fact that it may take some time. What you can take satisfaction in is doing the right thing and turning your back on this unfortunate episode, and not repeating it.

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I am gay but I cannot tell anyone

Posted on April 20, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I am pretty sure I am gay but I can not tell anyone!

My parents would freak, my classmates would take the piss so badly my life would not be worth living anymore. I really don’t know what to do..

The very best thing to do is talk it over with someone who can be sympathetic, helpful, non-judgemental and supportive. For a start, you need some time and space to work out exactly how you do feel. It’s very common for teenagers to have sexual fantasies and sexual feelings for people of the same sex, whether strangers such as pop or film stars, or people they know, without it necessarily meaning their sexual orientation is fixed as gay. This is, after all, the time in your life when you are exploring and trying out.

And even if you were more strongly drawn to members of the same sex than the opposite, you don’t need to jump in to labelling yourself right away. Sexuality is actually a lot more fluid than we tend to acknowledge. You can have sexual feelings for your own sex one week and the opposite sex the next, and that’s perfectly normal.

You shouldn’t assume your family or friends would react in a particular way, either. Some people can seem stupid and bigoted when it’s a theoretical situation, and make cruel remarks or tell nasty jokes, when it seems far from themselves. But as soon as they’re confronted with the fact that someone they know, trust and love is gay they often take a deep breath and grow up, surprising themselves as well as the person who felt they’d be let down.

So – you may be gay or you may just be developing your sexuality. If you are gay, you may want to come out soon or take your time about it. You may want help in knowing how to tackle the situation or how to delay telling. Whatever the problem there are people who can listen and help.

I strongly suggest you have a word with someone at either Lesbian and Gay Foundation on 0845 3 30 30 30 or London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard on 020 7837 7324. They’ll talk you through without pushing you one way or other. Good luck!

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Foreskin worries

Posted on April 20, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

my foreskin does not goes back after erection of my penis.

i have tried it lots of time but it pains.

is it necessary that i can only put condom if my foreskin retracts back.

i’ll be able to have a successful sex without retracted foreskin or not

When you’re born, part of the head of your foreskin is fused to your penis. Most young men will find it gradually frees up as they grow up and can be pulled back. In most situations, it will then slide back and forth easily. In a few cases, it remains attached and cannot be pulled back or retracted. In other cases, it remains tight so that once pulled back it is not easy to roll it back over the end of the penis after an erection. I’m not entirely sure which situation you are describing. Whatever, my answer is the same. This isn’t a rare situation. But it is one that needs some treatment.

You do need to have a word with your doctor. I know this seems embarrassing and scary. But trust me, if you leave it the result could be even more embarrassing and scary. If the problem is that the end of the foreskin is too tight, it could get stuck while you are having an erection, and you may find the erection cannot go down. When that happens, it’s painful and may end up with you in the surgery but as a emergency case. If the situation is that you can’t pull your foreskin back at all, it may lead to infection. And yes, it may make it difficult to use a condom and that is a problem in itself.

Your doctor will be very sympathetic but matter-of-fact about it and help. See him or her soon. Good luck!

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Should I have this baby?

Posted on April 19, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

 

me and my boyfriend are 18. We have been together 4 years and really want a baby. I’m hopefully going to university in september while my boyfriend finishes his studies at college. The only problem is that i will have to travel for almost two hours everyday there and back, and i can’t drive. Me and my boyfriend are getting a flat within the next couple of weeks and i don’t want to go and live at uni because i’m scared that we will split up because we don’t want a part time relationship. As we can’t get proper jobs with proper pay we have to claim benefits so money’s tight. We have been thinking about getting pregnant within the next couple of months (during my exams), this way i can take a year out and learn how to drive,and then when my boyfriend has finished his studies we have already planned to move near to the university. We know that we will get extra help with a baby, and my boyfriend is more than happy to stay at home and look after it. Is this the right thing to do. Please help!

I think you know perfectly well that the answer is no. The very fact that you ask me shows you know the answer is no. Not because you’re still at college, not because you’re 18 but because you seem to think having a baby means you get help.

Sorry, kid. Yes, new parents do get support, mostly from family but also sometimes from various authorities. But the reality is that you are on your own, two presumed adults with a tiny, helpless new life entirely dependent on you. The very fact that you think you can go into it half cock, relying on help, shows how very immature the two of you are and how very unwise this would be.

Of course loads of parents go into parenthood unready and unsure. And many of them muddle through proving themselves to be excellent parents. And many can rely on help from various sources. But many do not.

You’re fantasising you and he can both go to college while bringing up a baby on benefits? Do you have any idea what standard of living being on benefits gives you? I’m willing to bet within a very few months you’ll have split up or left your studies, or both. And what sort of a life does that give to your child? Who is, remember, a living, breathing, growing person not a ticket to the good life.

Frankly, the most serious aspect of this is that I don’t feel that you’re being honest with yourself about your motives. You have one problem. You want to stay with your boyfriend even though you and he will be 2 hours part while he’s at college and you’re at uni. And you say you can’t find good jobs – what, summer jobs? Most people would be planning to spend their summer holidays finding accommodation midway between the two places, fast track learning to drive, or investigating public transport and going out and bloody getting a job. Don’t tell me they don’t exist – jobs with a five figure salary may not be easy to find but jobs paying more than benefits are all over the place. Yes, really. Not exactly rocket science. Yet you come up with the brainwave of solving this problem by having a baby.

There are two real reasons you want a baby. One is that you think it will cement him and you together. You’re scared him being at college and you being at uni, especially since you’re 2 hours away, will drive you apart. And you may be right. This is a time in your life when you both change. What seemed set for life at school does often become the wrong thing when you’ve had time and perspective and the opportunity to meet new people and see a bit of the world beyond your back garden.

The other reason is that you’re scared to make that step away from home. You’re looking for a way out and you know if you have a baby, sooner or later you can gracefully, with a good excuse, give up your uni place and sink back into comfortably being a wife and mother.

Here’s the bad news. Oh, you can do it. Go ahead. Then write to me or call Parentline a few months into being a Mum with the frustrations and stress of being an 18 year old Mum with a college boy partner. Or in a few years time when you’re struggling with going back and making up for lost time, getting the qualifications you so need and now want, but having to do it while balancing your family against yourself.

You’ll probably have gathered by now I’m SOOOOO against this. But that’s only my opinion (albeit based on a lot of professional experience). I’ve met a lot of young mums who have made it and are terrific mums and happy with their lives. But I have to say nearly every one of them was a single mother, or at least with a new partner. And every one of them said the same thing. They loved their children, wouldn’t be without them….but wished they’d left the very hard job of parenthood for a few years, and hadn’t realised how difficult it was.

Get a summer job. If you must, find a home midway between your colleges and find a way of both of you getting to your classes. Or, better still, go and do your college career the way it’s supposed to be done – as a full time student, living and socialising with the people you’ll meet there.

Yes, I know it’s hard to leave your home and scary to meet and make new friends. It a large part of the point of college – to help you learn how to step outside your boundaries. If your relationship was meant to be you’ll see each other every other weekend and talk and txt and email, and on holidays it will be like you had never been apart. If it fails, it’s because it was meant to fail.

But have a baby? At 18? As a way out of your fear of a new experiences? In a word – NO.

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Control freak boyfriend

Posted on April 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, 

I am 17 years old almost 18 in a couple of months and i have this boyfriend that i have been going out with for a year and a bit. befor him i was going out with another controll freak but this time this relationship feels different.i fell in love with this guy that i am with but he is extremly jealous i cant even go to the bathroom with out him asking me where i am going. i know he means the best for me and evrything but i cant take it any more i want to do something about it and i told him his jealousy is getting off hand and every time we argue he can be the meanest person ever but afterwards when he is finished with his “tantrum” he’ll be so forgiving and he’ll tell me that i dont deserve it but i cant leave him deep down inside i think he’s going to change when he says he will he says he needs time but i dont know how much time i have. please help p.s i dont have money to see a councellor

 

You don’t need a counsellor. He does.

 

Jealousy is NOT about love. It’s NOT about meaning the best for the person you’re jealous about. Jealousy is about lack of self confidence and self control. At its worst it is violent, abusive and very, very dangerous.

 

He’s starting off being possessive – to a ridiculous degree – and mean afterwards. It will get worse because sooner or later jealousy and control freakery always get nasty  What, by the way, do you mean about a tantrum? Screaming and shouting? Bad language? Or has he already progressed to hitting you? Or is it pushing and shoving, pinching and pulling; little things that he and you explain away and deny is real violence?

 

You say afterwards HE is so forgiving. About what? He has nothing to forgive – he’s the one who is behaving badly. And that’s actually the whole core of the matter. He’s making you feel it’s your behaviour that sets off his rages and your behaviour that has to change. No, no, no!!.

 

Listen and believe; if you took to wearing a veil, asked him permission before you did anything, spoke to anyone, looked or listened or even breathed he’d STILL have jealous rages. Because his jealousy is about how he feels, not about what you do.

 

You think you’re in love. The problem is that sometimes habit and fear and a conviction you’re responsible for someone can feel like love. Love is mutual and generous. It’s about genuinely wanting the best for the person you love. It’s about respect and trust. None of which seem present in this relationship. And what  really alarms me is that this is the second person you’ve fallen for who behave this way. Why do you think you seek out such personalities? What’s the need and the pay-off or you. Actually, while it think he’s the one with the problem who needs help I’d also suggest it might benefit you to at least consider the types of people you fall for and why; talking it though with someone would be useful. Are you still in education? You could ask for help from a tutor or counsellor there, or your own GP. Good luck!

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Depressed, angry mum

Posted on April 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I have some problems with my mother who suffers from depression. She has not had the perfect life and she is always angry and confrontational. We could be doing nothing and she will start to vent and nag at everyone and she brings back events from many years ago and nags about that. I understand it is reasonable to tollerate some nagging for a short amount of time but this has been going on for years and it is increasingly difficult to cope with. She says that her venting helps her feel better but she doesn’t understand the negative effects of her venting does on others. She can vent for 30mins at a time. She did not like my father and says that I have some of his mannerisms so she takes out her anger on me. She thinks this is funny and acceptable.

I don’t know what to do. Being around my mum is like treading on tissue-paper because I fear of upsetting her because she tried to commit suicide once and we don’t want to do anything to trigger such events. We tried to calmly talk to her but she dosn’t take any advice and thinks she is always right and everyone else is wrong and will storm off in the car. Even minor issues will trigger her anger. For example someone stealing a parking space in a car park will make her very angry and confontational and she will storm out of the car and shout at the person who stole her parking space. Please help.

I am sorry to hear what a rough time you’re having. Seems as if your Mum is having a bad time and passing it all on to you. There’s a difference between venting that makes you feel better and venting that actually simply makes it worse. And, of course, there’s the issue of what your venting does to someone else. It’s all very well if you parcel your angers and woes up and get rid of them in the dump. Not so good when all you do is pass the parcel on to someone else to deal with.

It sounds as if your Mum is neither helping herself nor you. Her venting does not relieve he and it makes you feel awful. And holding over you the threat that she may harm herself unless you do what she wants is downright appalling.

I can see she may have very good reasons to feel let down and angry. I’m sure she deserves support and a listening ear that could help her. But YOU should not be part of this. You’re her daughter. You’re neither her therapist, her friend nor her parent yet that’s how she’s treating you. Neither, most important, are you in any way part of her problems. You may be your father’s child but you are not your father so attacking you because you remind her of him is neither funny nor acceptable.

I wasn’t clear from what you said whether you still live at home or not. Part of what I suggest will be easier if you don’t, but it still holds. If I were you I’d choose a time when she is calm. Begin by telling her you love her, and don’t follow that up with a “…but…”. The “I love you” should stand alone and make it clear that your love is unconditional. Then, you tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and you won’t be taking it any more.

So; “Mum, I love you. I can’t take your angry behaviour anymore. I would really like you to get some support and help about it. I’m not going to listen anymore when you lose your temper. If you want me to help you discuss things calmly I’d be happy to do so. But when you get angry all that happens is you go on being mad, and it makes me feel awful.”

Next time she vents…walk out. And stay out. Avoid her, refuse to engage in it, until she stops. Just leave. If she starts in at you about your Dad, calmly say “My Dad is my Dad and I am me. Take it up with him, not me.” And walk out. And stay out. If she’s nasty to you, say “That’s a very hurtful thing to say.” And walk out. And stay out.

She needs help and talking to a counsellor would be more than useful. She could find one through her GP or via British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. You could do with some help, too. If you’re still in education ask for help from a tutor or counsellor there, or your own GP. If she refuses to get help and you go, she may accept it when she sees how much confidence it will give you. Good luck!

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castration fantasy

Posted on April 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, 

 

I know that this will sound disgusting, but I really need to get this off my chest. It’s to do with my sexuality. I can only think about one thing- the possibility of castration- and that’s the only object of my sexual desire. I’ve tried to change things, by forcing myself to think about more normal images when reaching orgasm, and to an extent it works. But I’ve never been able to keep this up- every so often I’m reminded of my other desire, and I hate it. All it takes is some joke about castration, or some kind of emasculation, and I find it really hard to not masturbate over these concepts, and destroy all the owrk I’ve put in thinking about normal images.

 

I know I will sound disgusting, but I want to change, and I can’t stand the idea of staying like this. It’s been like this from the very beginning of my sexuality, and now I’m 19 I know it won’t simply go away on it’s own. I need to know how I can change this, but I can’t ask anyone face to face, or be thought of as a pervert. I honestly don’t know what I can do, please help.

 

No, I don’t think you’re a pervert nor am I disgusted. We all have sexual fantasies and many of them are not things we would actually like to put into action. Women and women often find fantasies of rape, domination or humiliation arouse them, where the real thing would be devastating. So the fact that you find such images stimulating does not mean you would welcome the real thing. Nor does it mean you are not “normal”.

 

And at 19, you are still exploring what it means to be sexual and what it means for you to be stimulated. Very few people grow up in an atmosphere of acceptance and celebration of their emerging sexual feelings. We should be able to feel this is all ok, and that exploring our bodies and our sensations is all right. Most of us don’t. An obsession with castration could be the result of shame and guilt and a conviction that what you are doing is sinful or dangerous. If you don’t feel you can stop your desires and think you should, you might easily get stuck in thoughts of being castrated either as punishment or a way of being held in check.

 

Talking to someone would really help. I would hope from what I have said so far you now see that what you have said does not disgust me nor make me label you a pervert. If you want to re-programme your sexual fantasies, or come to terms with them, a face to face encounter with a professional therapist would be reassuring and useful. Your own GP could refer you. Or you could ring Sexwise on 0800 28 29 30 for a chat with someone who could understand. Good luck!

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He lives with his ex and his kids.

Posted on April 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

My boyfriend and I’s relationship is a bit odd. For one, he lives with his ex girlfriend, the mother of his children, and refuses to not live with her as hates joint custody. He’s also said that I’m a lot like she used to be before she got depressed. I’m thinking he might still be in love with her. But I like being with him and he likes being with me. What do I do?

When you said he continued to live with his children I cheered. Too many men, when the relationship breaks up, also abandon their kids to their lasting pain and damage. One thing I always say to anyone who begins a relationship with someone with children is that you need to recognise the kids come too – your new partner may be able to leave a relationship behind but they should never, and never be asked to, leave those kids behind. So you’d have to make space in your life for them and support your new partner in continuing to be a good parent.

But then you told me what he says about you and her. And that sounds like a rather nasty bit of manipulation. Think about it. You like being with someone who compares you to the girlfriend he’s cheating on to see you? And compares you to what she was like before he began cheating on her?

I’m sure he likes being with you. It must be nice to have the lovely cosy family home with kids to sport with and meals cooked when you want and shirts ironed as you like. And then to have a sweet fresh little girlfriend to swan out and play with whenever you want a rest from the responsibilities of being a Dad and a permanent partner. And I put it like that because living with your children is one thing – still living with the “ex” is quite another.

Have you asked yourself why she got depressed? What you’d like from a partner if you ever got depressed? Surely you’d hope they’d stand by you not leave you? I’m sorry but when he uses implied threats like that – ie if you get “depressed” and I bet that actually means start objecting to his doing whatever he damn well pleases – he’ll leave you too, then that rings alarm bells for me.

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He’s my friends brother.

Posted on April 12, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, 

 

I just moved from the West Coast to the East Coast. Before I left out West, I hooked up with a good friend’s brother. He and I seemed to click. I slept with him right away. I thought that would be it but he called me the next day, asked to come over and it happened again. I started imagining that this would turn into something long-distance after I left, that I would have a boyfriend to come back and visit. He told me a lot of personal stories and I felt very close to him although the sex wasn’t great. He then got suspicious that his sister knew we were sleeping together. He seemed upset so I wrote him an email telling him I liked him but there was no pressure to tell anyone about us and I hoped to keep in touch after my move. He responded telling me he really liked me, he was happy I came into his life but he’s a very private person and it was weird for him to be with someone who is friends with his sister. He said we should stop “fooling around” but he wanted to stay “friends”. Am I crazy? Why would a guy who didn’t want to get involved with his sister’s friend have sex with her on two different occasions if he thought her friends were off limit? Did I do something wrong? Is it because I had sex with him so quickly?

 

You asked me four questions here and three of them are about yourself – are you crazy, did you do something wrong, did you sleep with him too early? Well, here’s a truth straight from the files of a counsellor; I’d say 90% of the time it’s not about you.

 

Ever bumped into a friend and had them “blank” you, and spent sleepless nights wondering what you’d done, how you’d offended them, only to later learn they’d lost glasses and didn’t see you or just heard they’d lost a job, a parent, a beloved dog and been too sunk in their own troubles to notice you?  

 

Most of the time, when people blow hot and cold like this it’s for similar and entirely personal reasons. Something going on in their life or their beliefs comes between you and them. Maybe he can’t manage a long term relationship. Maybe he does feel his sisters friends are off limits. After all, if he told you personal things as you do with someone you feel an intimacy with, he might be alarmed to think you may tell these to her.  Or maybe she feels her friends are strictly hands-off to her brother!

 

Whatever, you can’t make someone commit if they don’t want to. Take it gracefully and chalk it up to experience. After all, if he changes his mind he knows how to contact you.

 

As for  whether you slept with him too soon – well, what do you feel? I suppose I’d say it’s better not to jump in straight away. But equally, with two consenting adults sometimes that’s what happens.  Go with your gut feeling and look after yourself.

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Everything is riding on my weight loss.

Posted on April 12, 2007 by Suzie

 Dear Suzie,

 

When I was younger I weighed a normal healthy weight, I can look back at pictures of myself aged 4 or 5 thin & happy. When I got to be about 7 I started putting on weight, my mothers habits within feeding me & my sister caused us to both grow to unhealthy weights. My mother isn’t all to blame though, because I gained my own independence as far as eating habits were concerned. I was unaware of consequences. Although the severe bullying at school & the taunting from my uncaring abusive father made me feel horrible & led me to understand that I was ‘fat’. But my lack of education in that region led me to believe that there was nothing I could do about it & that was just the way my life was going to be. I learnt to tolerate the bullying. When I reached secondary school I began to learn exactly how what I was eating & how I was treating my body physically was affecting me. Although the bullying reduced as I mixed with a lrager range of students, it still went on. I tried diets & other such ways to lose weight. But my love for food & my honest desire to enjoy the way I was pushed me to lose the will power. I began to be able to tolerate the moments of emotion pain when I noticed how I looked or when others taunted me. I could cope with those moments in small doses, but could not cope with the lack of food & the unwanted exercise activities. More recently I tried the gym, back when I had the confidence to try those things. I lost weight, which soon piled back on due to my lack of will power again. I begain self harming, lying & smoking to ease my pain. Lying about the things I wanted to be true. Saying things to make me the centre of attention, good or bad. I want to be thin & on some random occassions I will feel something inside me which tells me that I can do it. No matter what people say to me I cannot gain enough power. My health is bad & my immune system is against me. I have no confidence to go to gyms or go swimming or take part in other sports. I cannot be pushed with phrases or do good comments. Because of my childhood tolderation even being bullied & humiliated is not enough to make me lose the wieght. I have become lazy & angry. I upset everyone around me & cannot settle as myself. I have always felt that if I was thinner & happy with my body it would trigger other thingsin my life, which would make everything better. This may not be the cas but I know for a fact that some things will change. I am writing to you as an almost last resort. I would never reduce to suicide like I did last year, for I think of myself as stronger now. But I need some help. I have no energy & I am constantly ill. I cannot push myself to work hard for my GCSE’s & I constantly put myself down. Low fat, low carb, low fibre diets do not help. Health runs are pointless & last several days. I cannot keep myself in a zone in which I can help myself. I need help from someone. Someone who can help me change my life & bring my confidence back again. Everything is riding on my weight loss. If I do not achieve this, it will jeopardize everything in my life.

 

You might benefit from reading your own letter as carefully as I have done. You tell me you have no will power, are lazy and cannot push yourself. Yet, in every other sentence you give entirely potent examples of a will of iron. You cannot be pushed, nothing will make you do anything you do not choose to do. And you choose to be angry, helpless and – as you see it – “fat”.

 

Since you don’t give me your age, height and weight I don’t know whether you are actually obese. People with eating problems often display exactly your profile – lacking in energy, angry, defiant and utterly convinced they are fat when they are anything but.

 

Let’s get a few things straight.

 

One is that you’re the only person who can change things. I can’t wave a magic wand or come up with an instant, easy formula to make you what you wish to be. Especially as I’m not sure what you see in the mirror is the same thing as I might see.

Two is that nothing – NOTHING – will change if you lost weight. Nothing is riding on your weight loss. If you lost weight you’d still be the same person with the same problems. Your obsession with your weight is almost certainly a smokescreen for other issues. You say you were “happy and thin” when 4 or 5. And then what? You talk about an uncaring abusive father and a mother who  caused you to grow to an unhealthy weight. Doesn’t sound as if you felt your family had a loving, supportive atmosphere, does it? That’s what you need to look at, not your weight.

Three is that you are perfectly capable of keeping to a healthy eating plan and doing exercise. Thousands do. Why not you? You refuse because you see it as something imposed from above – you’re acting the small, defiant child to the bullying parent. Well, why not start acting like an adult, and do this for yourself?

 

I suggest you get some support from someone who can help you recognise you already have or can get some of that power you crave but not by losing weight.  You’d really benefit from seeing a counsellor. Are you in full time education? Is there a tutor who can help?  Or can you ask your GP to refer you? Whatever your age, it will be confidential unless you chose to let your family know you are doing this. I think it’s time you turned that refusal not to be pushed into a determination to push yourself. Good luck!  

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