He called me fat!

Posted on April 6, 2007 by Suzie

dear suzie im rely upset this is why ive taken the time to write to you as none of my mates seem to care. the problem is this boy i really like and thought liked me.

 

im 14 years old and have up n down relationships with boys but i really really liked this one lad n hes soo gorgeous. however he wanted me to meet up with him but i was scared as by his area theres this girl there thats wants to bata me so i decided not to go. a week later i see him by my area he keeps calling my name and everyfin then he comes up 2 me and has a chat, hes alwayz saying im rely pritty and fit and makes me feel so great about myself. however what i didnt no was when i left he was with another girl calling me fat and ugly and not as pritty as he thought i was im really upset i saw him 2dy he made no attempt 2 say hello, and i feel so humiliated i just feel like crying. my self esteem is really low as i try ever so hard to loose weight and the boy i really like calls me the worsest name ever “fat” i feel so low at the moment and im not ebing myslef i just dont have a clue what to do im alwayz going on msn just to see if hes on and my lifes becoming a mess over this one boy. i understand u mite not be able to reply but i hope u do as no-one else will listen thankyou

I am sad to hear you’re feeling so unhappy. Let’s see if we can sort it out so you can feel better.

Let me get what happened clear. You like this boy and he asked you to meet him. You didn’t go because nearby where you were to meet him there’s a girl who has threatened you. A week later you see him near your home, he calls out to you and comes over and is really nice. When you go he tells another girl you’re fat and not as pretty as he had thought. Next time you saw him he ignores you. You now feel down in the dumps because he’s called you the worst thing ever; fat.

Your mates may care about you and how you’re feeling but be les than sympathetic about how you’re handling the situation. After all – look at what you did. You said you’d meet him then stood him up without an explanation. Instead of saying, “Hey – there’s this girl I don’t want to see…” you just decided not to go. In spite of that, he’s still nice to you but when he does get fed up of making the running, you decide he’s now saying horrible tings behind your back. Who told you he called you fat and not as pretty as he thought? Someone you trust? Or someone who’s either teasing or has a reason to want to bring you down – someone who wants him for themselves, for instance?

At 14 you get a little leeway. After all, you’re still learning now to make friends and to keep them, and how to see boys as human beings not aliens who have feelings too. So here’s a few tips;

  • Don’t muck people around. If you say you’ll be the, be there and if you have a problem with it, tell them,
  • Don’t believe rumours. If you hear from one person another person is saying things about you, go and ask them if it’s true. It may not be.
  • Don’t obsess over people. All you do is build them up in your mind to be something they are not. However gorgeous this boy seems, he’s still a real life person. If you like him, go talk to him.
  • Being fat is not the worst thing in the world.

I suspect you and your friends use ‘fat’ the same way you use ‘gay’ as ultimate insults – that is, the words don’t actually mean anything. Fat is being 90k when you should be 50 and it’s easily remedied; stop eating crisps and burgers and drinking fizzy drinks and do some exercise. Fat does not mean being size 10 or 12 when the models are size zero – that’s the same models who are dying from anorexia, BTW.

If you really do feel you have a problem with your weight, sit down and have a proper talk with your parents or carers about it. I don’t mean to be flip but losing weight isn’t rocket science and while it does take some effort and application, it is manageable. But you’ll need to have the people you live with on board to make meals that are fresh and healthy – lots of salad and vegetables, no fried food – and you’ll need to make time to start doing some running or other proper fitness activity.

Even if you are worrying over nothing, joining a class or club to do some exercise might also address your low self esteem. It sounds as if you spend way too much time at home being miserable and worried. Go out and talk to your friends f2f. Go out and do something that help you feel good. Just go out! Good luck!

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Is it ok to touch?

Posted on March 22, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, im 14 is it ok for me to touch my private parts.

Of course! 14 is a very normal and natural age to be exploring your own body and the pleasure you can give yourself.

Please ignore all the old, silly tales you might hear – that masturbation makes you go blind, grow hair on your palms, go mad. Masturbation won’t “spoil you for the real thing” either. Everyone does it and in fact it’s a very good way of finding out about your body and how it works.

If you want to know a bit more, have a look in your local or school library or local bookshop for books such as The Sex Book: A no-nonsense guide for teenagers by Jane Pavanel or It’s Perfectly Normal: A Book about Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie H. Harris. Apart from anything else, they’ll reassure you that you’re not the only one asking the question!

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Does he love me in the same way?

Posted on March 22, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, ive known this guy for 2 good years, we both like each other and weve said it to each other that we do to however he hasn’t replied back to my emails n he doesnt really speak to me much. things have changed between us i love him and i cant stop thinking about him but i dont know if he loves me in the same way. please can you help me!!!

Hang on; you’ve known him for 2 years, both told each other you like the other…but he doesn’t reply to emails and he doesn’t speak to you. Much. I’m sorry to say that it sounds as if things have, indeed, changed. He seems to have moved on. Or maybe, he never really saw this relationship in the same way you did. Sounds as if he felt you were a friend not a romantic interest.

It may be less about you than what else is happening in his life. It’s very easy to assume you’re the central person in this scenario; after all, you’ the heroine of your own movie. But in his movie, the script might be a little different. Maybe over the last two years he’s felt less involved in you. Maybe he’s met someone and she’s the person he loves. This silence has made you keener on him and has allowed you to build him up in your mind. The person you love isn’t so much him as his nicer fantasy self; the person you think he is but may not be.

Send him one last email saying you haven’t heard from him and would love to do so. If you still don’t hear, then it’s time for you to take what seems to be a pretty solid hint, and move on too.

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My friend has cancer

Posted on March 19, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, My friend has cancer and i try so hard to stay strong for her but when ever i see her i want to cry. I spend day and night with her making sure she is ok scared everytime leave the room incase she slips away. My boyfriend has hardly seen much of me anymore. he said he understood that i needed to be with her but now he says he cant take it anymore and has left me. I have tried everything to make thngs alright but it all goes wrong. i dont know what to do anymore. please help.

I’m so sad to hear about this – you do have my sympathy. The only thing you’re doing wrong is expecting too much of yourself. You’re not Superwoman. You can’t cure cancer simply by force of will and by wishing. And neither can you juggle your need to be with a dying friend at all times with the rest of your life.

What you need to do, painful and hard as it may seem, is to let go. Let go of the belief that you should be really, really strong and be taking this in your stride. Of course you cry all the time – it’s a horrible, difficult situation and anyone with half a heart would be in tears about it, all the time. You need to get some support, and some time off, to cope.

Let go of the fear that if you turn your back, she will die. If she is going to die from this illness she will do so whether you are there or not – what happens is not your responsibility. Leaving the room to see to your own life isn’t selfish nor will it harm her. You can’t make “things alright” and you’re not letting things go wrong. It’s the cancer that’s killing her, not you – and you can’t keep her with you simply by hanging on in there.

I would think if she realised you’d let your relationship go because of her, she’d be mortified. The best gift you can give her is to live on happy, as a tribute to her. My advice would be to draw up a more realistic schedule of visits, that allows you to see your friends and family as well as support her. Most people end up with compassion fatigue if you ask too much of them or too much of yourself.

Make a point of saying all the things you need to say NOW. When I lost a very dear friend few years ago, I made sure we’d told each other how fond we were of each other and what fun we’d had and how much I had valued her. Having done that, I didn’t then feel bad when she died even though I hadn’t seen her for a couple of days because we didn’t have any ‘unfinished business’. Finish your business and stop feeling so responsible. The truth is that however much you love people and however much you hover over them, if illness is going to take them away it isn’t going to let them off the hook because of your effort or love. As I said, you need some support – get it from CRUSE

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He’s 13 years older than me

Posted on March 19, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I’ve fallen in love with a man 13 years older then me (im 20) and I know my parents won’t approve. Not only is he so much older but he’s Asian and my parents are really racist. What can I do?

Age differences are tricky things to assess. The older you get, the less they matter – if you were 40 and asking about a man of 53 I’d probably laugh and tell you to ignore it. But a 20 year old with a man of 33 is another matter.

He’s a full adult and you are just moving into adulthood. He has a considerable advantage over you in authority, experience, power and influence. The motives and reasons behind his attraction to and for you may not be as clear-cut or as honest as you think, or as they might be if you and he were of similar ages. He may relish having someone who is impressed and impressionable; you may like having a father-figure. Both may make for what appears to be a satisfactory relationship at this stage but one with undercurrents that could either be harmful, or that will limit what you could have together.

And while race should have nothing to do with it, when you choose someone from a different culture you have to be sure wanting to defy or shock your family is not your primary motive. If you pair up with someone your parents neither like nor trust you may be setting up a situation in which you lose the support system of those you love – and you don’t want to do this if the person you are choosing actually relies on that happening.

If your parents love and respect you, they will listen to what you have to say on the subject of your choice of partner. If you assume they will be opposed to you and start out sneaking and hiding, let me assure you that you will be proving to them you are immature and don’t deserve to be treated like an adult. Or that, indeed, you feel guilty about your choice, which implies you feel it is something of which to be ashamed or to conceal.

My advice would be to sit down with them and tell them how you feel and why. If you can put a good case as to why this is the right man for you and that you would like them to meet him and welcome him into your family, they may surprise you.

If you can neither talk with them or make your case, either they are unremitting bigots…or you may be the one making the mistake. If it’s the former, ask friends and other family members to support you and back you up. In the end, at 20, you have the right to be with whom you choose. But if you can’t be open and honest and offer a clear explanation as to why he is The One…then maybe you should be thinking again about why you find him so irresistible.

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Too embarrassed to go to the doc.

Posted on March 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
first of all..i love u for having this website! heres the problem..im 22. ive never had sex because i chose not to.recently ive had a painful growing inside my private part!im too embarrassed to go to the doc, since ive never even had a sexual problem! i just need to know if its something that’ll go away itself, or im worried coz what if its really serious! help!

Never, ever leave something like this to go away by itself. It may be something uncomfortable and disagreeable that just needs simple treatment that your doctor could give you on the spot which works in a day or so. Or, it could be something serious that needs careful treatment. I can’t tell from what you’ve told me. But what i can say is that you can get conditions in your sexual parts without it having anything to do with sex. And that leaving anything to go away by itself could lead to unnecessary suffering and even make something quite trivial become dangerous.

I applaud your choice not to have sex yet. But, that doesn’t mean that you can forget that aspect of your body, or that you should let embarrassment stop you asking for help. You may feel shy but your doctor will make no judgments or criticism. He or she will only want to help. Please – make an appointment with your doctor today – NOW.

When you see him or her (and if you feel wary of seeing a male doctor you can ask for a female one at your surgery when you make the appointment) say you haven’t had sex. That’s important because it helps with the diagnosis. It also means your doctor won’t do an intimate examination unless really necessary.

I’m glad i was here to read your mail and to help. Now – you make my site worthwhile by taking my advice and seeing your doctor! Let me know how you get on. Good luck!

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How can I show him that I fancy him?

Posted on March 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
i have fancied this boy for ages now (about 4 months) and i think he MIGHT feel the same but im not too sure… and im way too scared 2 tell him bout my feelings just in case he stops talking to me completely after that or rejects me coz i dnt wanna ruin our friendship. is there anything i can do to show him that i fancy him without actully tellin him yet? please help

If you think he likes you, he probably does. If you like him, he probably knows. We signal our feelings all the time, in the way we talk to someone, look at them, stand near them. It’s called Body Language and it’s pretty effective in passing on our feelings.

Think about how he is with you. Does he make a point of coming over to talk with you? Does he look at you a lot, and maybe blush or avoid your eyes when you look at him? Does he show off in front of you? You may be so wrapped up in thinking about your own feelings and behaviour when you see him that you don’t notice his, but your friends may be able to tell you.

Mind you, nothing quite substitutes for words. But saying “I really like your company” or “That was a great time we had together” or “Come out with me tomorrow? I like being with you” gets it said without exactly laying yourself open for ridicule or rejection.

You don’t need to say “I really fancy you” until you’re up close and personal. And if you get up close and personal, then both of you are making your feelings clear and making yourselves equally vulnerable.

If you want to show him you like him, smile, say hello, be nice. Save him a seat at lunch time, send him a text message when you’re apart. He’ll get the message! Good luck!

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He wants to remain friends

Posted on March 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

i’m a 22 yr old female and my love interest is a male of 23yrs. i have been attracted to him for almost 1 yr and before x-mas i told him how i felt. before then we were bonding and i had a feeling he liked me too. however when i told him how i felt on a night out (we were both quite drunk) he told me he thinks the world of me so it was not a no. however he had just ended a long term relationship 8mnths ago and needed to find himself so he did not want another serious relationship. i was devastated because i am very much in love with him. since then he insists he wants to be friends. we have had ups and downs and right now i do not think i can handle the situation. we recently had a massive argument and i told him i lied about how i felt about him. he told me he cannot handle me being around and has mentioned he is unable to express his feelings. he still wants to remain friends and makes an effort to make time for me but the relationship is strained. i do still love him and he seems to feel the same. what do i do?

Don’t lie, for a start. Playing games with feelings and relationships is deadly – it builds up confusion and resentment and makes people feel manipulated and used.

The problem here is that you have a feelings and a need, and a timetable. In essence, you want him and you want him NOW. He may be telling you the truth – that he feels the same about you but having recently broken up he isn’t ready yet. Or, he may simply be using this as an excuse to let you down gently. Whichever, the message is clear; however strongly you feel and whatever you want, he isn’t prepared to fall into line at the moment.

Let me define love for you. To me, love is caring for someone. It means being sympathetic to how they feel and wanting to align their needs to yours. Love is when you have a longing, if not a lust, but the distinction between mere lust and sexual love is generosity and selflessness. If you loved him, you’d respect his wishes to take it slowly for the moment. If you loved him you wouldn’t have screamed “I lied! I don’t love you!” as a way of either hurting him or prodding him into action.

What you seem to be describing is the “I want it!” of a small child who has never been taught ‘deferred gratification’ – having to wait until the right time. You can’t have everything you want immediately – sometimes other people’s needs must come first. I know that seems tough and I’m sorry. But it’s life.

If you want to keep hold of him, as a friend or a future lover, then the only way is to grow up a bit. Tell him you’re sorry for the way you behaved and you will respect his wishes as well as recognise your own. Then have a think about what you really want. If you feel you love him rather than just want him, listen to what he is saying too. If you can’t wait or can’t be friends then you’ll have to accept it’s not going to happen. And that’s an option you may have to consider. If you can take a deep breath and step back, you may at least be able to stay friends and maybe, just maybe, the love bit may develop eventually. Good luck!

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Cinderella student

Posted on March 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I am finding it extremely difficult living at home. I just seem to clash with my mum and always we are constantly arguing. She seems to have a slight paranoia about the house being clean and because im a student, i dont pay rent. She seems to use this at her advantage as I clean the house for her. I’m not complaining about the cleaning-I totally agree with pulling my weight but being at college 9-5 everyday and having to get home and walk the dog, make dinner and clean the house (along with having a part time job 3 nights a week) is starting to have an effect on my coursework. If something is out of place or I havent cleaned everything, she flips. My sister gets home and sits in front of the tv/computer all night. Im just really stressing out because I have interviews for uni’s at the moment and i dont feel like im coping. I also think its driving my stepdad away and I really dont want him to leave. My dad had an affair and I really dont want to see her go through another break up.

Being a student shouldn’t mean you have any different a status in the house than your sister who is still at school. In my book, all members of a household pull their weight. While this mean yes, as you agree, you should be doing your share of chores, the fact you’re in higher education doesn’t make you any more liable to take on responsibility just as it shouldn’t make you any less.

So what is going on here? You say you clean and make dinner and walk the dog. Okay – I’m not letting you off dog duties cos it might be your dog but actually, far more important, this duty is a healthy stress buster and I think you benefit from it! But clean while sis watches tv and surfs, and make dinner too? What’s your Mum doing? What’s your stepdad doing? It feels to me as if your Mum is expecting you to be a parent to her at the moment rather than her being a parent to you.

And then you tell me three things that really ring alarm bells for me; that she seems to have an over-the-top reaction if you don’t come up to her standards; that your Dad left after an affair; that you’re scared your stepdad will leave too.

My dear, I think you’re caught up in the backwash from somebody else’s problem. It sounds to me as if your Mum is having a bad time. Her behaviour seems overly controlling and critical. And one reason may be that she sees your Dad in you, and your going to uni as your leaving her, just as he left her.

She’s trying to rein you back and punish you, as maybe she would like to have done with him. It can’t work with him cos he’s gone but I think she feels it can work with you. I’m not saying she’s doing it deliberately – I’m sure she hasn’t make the connection at all; but if she was f2f counselling with me, that’s one of the avenues I’d want to explore with her.

And her fear of losing you as she lost your Dad may then be impinging on her relationship with her new partner, and harming it.

I wonder if you might have a quiet word with your stepdad and suggest to him that visiting Relate for counselling might really help them – and you. And perhaps you could also pick a time when your Mum and you are getting on ok, and ask if the two of you could sit down and have a chat about how hard you are finding the situation.

Start off with what you think is right – that you pull your weight. But add you feel everyone else should too. And then tell her you need her support at the moment and yet it feels as if she is more asking for yours than either helping you or making it a fair swap. Tell her you understand it might feel scary for her to watch you make preparations to leave, but it’s something the two of you need to manage better. Because if you can’t, it sounds to me as if rather than launching out in the world but wanting to come home and see her, you might soon leave in conflict and anger. Nothing’ s quite as sad as your child leaving with a sigh of relief and then avoiding coming to visit because the atmosphere is so tense. Tell her you love her but tell her you can’t go on as it is.

If you feel it would help to have someone guide you in sorting it out, contact National Family Mediation – a mediator helps you in settle practical matters such as this between a couple, within a family or between friends or neighbours. If you’re north of the border, contact Family Mediation Scotland . Good luck!

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Suicidal thoughts

Posted on March 9, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I have done a lot of bad things in my life and now it’s all catching up with me. I am so upset and I wish I could turn back time a few years and start again. I just want to start again. I know people say that nothing is worth killing yourself over. But I’m begining to think suicide is the only way out now. I’m making myself ill over it but everytime I get back into the normal routine I just cry my eyes out. People think I am a drama queen but they don’t know what is going on. I can’t tell anyone because it is too shameful. I don’t know what you are thinking about me right now but all I ever wanted to be was a nice person who could live their life to the full and never do anything too bad and to know that your never going to change what you’ve done…It hurts so much. Please help me. you are the only support I have.

I’m really sorry to hear how desperate you feel. I do now how it can be, and how you can come to imagine there is no way out. I’ve been there! And I can look back and say “Well, thank goodness I didn’t harm myself cos look how things have changed!”

And it’s simply not true that I’m the only support you have. There is plenty out there, you just have to ask for it. And ask for it you must.

You knew I wouldn’t judge or diss you; neither will any of a whole range of people, who can help you through this immediate crisis, and then on to putting yourself back on track. You may not want to go to family or friends – I can understand that. But no matter WHAT you think you’ve done a counsellor wouldn’t judge, wouldn’t be shocked or let it faze them. Believe me – it doesn’t matter what you think is shameful, I would be matter-of-fact about it and so would any helper.

So – where can you go? For immediate help you could call Samaritans on 0345 909090, or ask the operator to put you through.

Your own GP may be able to listen and help – some are very good on emotional worries. Some are less so but can refer you to a counsellor in their own surgery. Relate offer counselling for relationship and family issues. They also do phone counselling – call 08451 30 40 16 for an appointment.

You could visit The Site to find somewhere in your area that could hep with your particular problem. You see, that’s where I now come up against a barrier; I don’t know what sort of issue we’re talking about to be able to further signpost you – drink or drugs, sex or sexuality, abuse or exploitation, friendships or relationships or what.

Whatever it is, please do look for some help and support. You can’t turn back years but you can begin afresh; all it needs is to take that one step that you’ve already begun, which is to ask for help. Good luck!

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