Suzie Hayman: Agony Aunt

Dear Suzie, i am 43 yrs old and one hell of a dilemma my fiancee has had to move out of our home because of alcaholic problems and stealing money ive told him we should have 3 months apart until he sorts his head out i dont want to lose him as i love him so very much i have tried helping him myself but it did not work. i also have a 17 yr old son who thinks he owns me he is so lazy we argue about it all of the time and im at the end of my tether with him he wont do anything for himself and expects me to run aound after him 24 7 he would rather spend time at his friends house than at home with me he spends 95%of his time at friends houses and sleeping out and he knows i am very nervous about staying in the house on my own because of bad experiances ive had in the past but he still does it anyway im hoping to move to scotland to be with my daughter next yr my son wont come and expects me to keep yhe house on just for him and me pay the mortgage for it asweell please help me sort this out before i go insain

You’ve realized, with your fiancé, that real love has to be tough love. You’ve seen that only he can help himself and that your being patient or kind while he drinks and steals gives him no incentive to change. In fact, it not only condones but encourages his taking advantage of you.

Well, it’s the much the same with your son. He’s 17. If he was 7 I’d still say you have to draw a line and say “This far and no further” Children need and indeed welcome boundaries – they want us to put limits on their behaviour and to help them do better by refusing to put up with their doing any less.

But he’s an adolescent. That means he will push those boundaries but it also means he is perfectly capable of looking after himself in many ways and of suffering the consequences of his actions.

If he were in full time education, going to college or school and working towards gaining the qualifications that would get him a job and make him independent, I might say he still needs your day-to-day support. He would need, and be right to expect, that you allow him to live with you and pick up some of the bills. But not all of them, since he could be receiving some help from the state towards further education.

But in return I’d expect him to behave as any member of a household should behave; pay their way and pull their weight by doing chores, and be courteous about letting you know when he’ll be there and where he will be.

Now – having said all that I do think you need to consider why your son may be kicking out at the world in general and you in particular. His Dad is obviously no longer living with you and that may be a cause of some grief, anger or confusion to him. How did your son feel about having your fiancé around, and seeing him mistreat you? His behaviour may be about some very sad feelings that need to be talked over and dealt with.

I don’t think it’s his job to be a partner to you and keep you company. Of course, a loving and caring son might make a point of being there for you, but that may be why he does what he does; he’s upset and angry at your asking something of him which is inappropriate. I suggest the two of you seek a counsellor or mediator to get some help with talking through the things that might have made him sad and angry. Ring Parentline for some ideas on what may be available in your area.

However, your moving to Scotland is your choice and your right. At 17 he has a clear choice too – to come with you and continue living at home, with all home comforts (though, as I said, if I were you I’d make a new rule from tomorrow and most certainly after the move which says if he stays he pays!) or to stay where he is. In which case, he’s on his own. He should get a job, get a place of his own and get a life! If he wants to spend time with his mates, fine. Go and get a place with them.

You’ve exerted tough love over your fiancé – well done for that. Do the same with your son. Tell him you love him but from tomorrow, you won’t put up with his behaviour. Explain, calmly and quietly, how upset you are and how you can’t go on like this. Say you’ll listen to what he has to say too. But tell him if you move, he can come or he can stay but you can’t keep him as you would a child in either place. He’ll be 18. If he hasn’t a job or a college place, it’s time he got one.

But that’s his responsibility, not yours. Of course you’ll give him emotional support to set himself on his feet but unless he starts talking over what really worries him, begins appreciating what you’re doing for him and giving something back, you won’t pay anymore.

If that all sounds rather tough – it is. But I suspect your son is simply crying out for you to hear what he really feels, and to make a stand. Do, please, contact Parentline. They really will help you move through all this. I do wish you the best!

Dear Suzie, I am an integrative counsellor and Supervisor, I would like to know if you run any training courses, I work with 11 to 18 year olds at a school, I also have a private practice where I see adults. I very much enjoy your books and your TV programme ‘Step Families’. I am wondering where you buy your timers, and your red handbag is fab’!

Thank you for your kind words! Stepfamilies was quite an experience and did seem to hit the spot with many people – we’re still trying to raise interest in a second series. For now, I do seminars on parenting issues and I am thinking about offering parenting courses in my home area. I’m also thinking of offering some new services through this website – watch this space!

You can get timers from Ocean; I did find them extraordinarily effective. Before the series, I always suggested clients use a clock or timer for such exercises. The timer made such a difference to the families in the series I now recommend them.

Dear Suzie,
I live in Australia and have been watching you on Lifestyle. I keep thinking to myself, who are these actors acting out my family. I have a 12 yo son and my husband and I have a 2 yo together. My husband and I married when my son was 10 yo. My husband and son used to get along however, when I fell pregnant with my daughter things turned horrible. I don’t know how long I can continue to be the referee between them. Please come to Australia and help me!!!!

I’d love to come to Oz! If only an Australian network would ask me to come and do a series Down Under…

As for your dilemma, as you realised, Stepfamily issues are similar from family to family, all around the world. Your situation is a common one, so please be reassured it’s not your fault. You’re not being a uniquely incompetent mother nor is your son being a uniquely horrible child. It’s the situation that is difficult, not the people caught up in it.

To tease apart what is going on, and what you might do about it, look at it from your son’s point of view. You don’t tell me what happened to his father – when he left your lives or how. You might have been glad to get rid of him or maybe it was a grief you’ve never resolved. Whatever, to your son it would have been a terrible loss, whether your ex left the year before you remarried, 5 years or even 10 years ago, before your son was born. Whether he is in touch or not, your son will be struggling with anxiety and guilt over his absence – children usually assume a father leaving is all their own fault. And whether he is in touch or not, your son will be trying to make sense of that and his own part in the situation.

You say your son and your husband got along well. That’s actually quite unusual in such situations and what it did is give you the belief that all was well and didn’t need attending. As you can now see, stepfamily situations are always tricky and always need thought and negotiation.

But the getting along was presumably before you married – when you were dating or living together? From the figures you’ve given me – your son is 12, your daughter is 2, you married when your son was 10 – you would have married and produced a child in quite a short time frame. That’s a lot for a 10 year old to struggle to integrate. What would he have made of it?

He might have felt overwhelmed by the changes. Liking a man who comes and gives you treats and days out, who makes your Mum feel good, is one thing. Having him become your mums husband is quite another, and having him assume the mantle of your Dad yet a further step.

And then, having become your Dad, he suddenly throws away that role as not good enough; he brings in his own child. Do you feel surplus to requirements? You’ve lost your own Dad, you’ve lost being the only person in your Mum’s life, you’ve now lost being this new man’s only child. And you’ve seen what happens in your Mum’s life when she and a bloke decide they’re not getting on; a 12 year old can harbour fantasies of being sent away or rejected, as no longer up to scratch, in such a situation.

And that’s just a fraction of what a child in such a situation may be feeling. I haven’t even touched on what you and your husband may be doing, totally inadvertently, to stir the situation. Children often feel put out and left out when a new baby comes along. All that cooing and gurgling over the new one can make them feel excluded and made second best. And telling them you’ve produced a baby sibling just for them can actually make it worse – they’d rather have a new bike!

So what to do? For a start, forgive all of you. As I said, it’s the situation that is difficult, not you. Secondly, get some support. Contact the Stepfamily Zone which is the online site for the Australian Stepfamily Association.

I’d love to recommend the book that goes with the series “Stepfamilies – surviving and thriving in a new family” pub Simon and Schuster but it doesn’t seem to be available on the Oz Amazon site although they do seem to suggest it is coming. Follow the link from my Books page and you can read about it and you might consider ordering it from the UK site and having it sent to you.

Ask around your area – ask your own doctor for instance – if there is family therapy available. It would help all of you to have someone guide you through the dynamics of new family formation so you can see the very natural and normal emotions that have gone into creating this dilemma, and how to untangle it. Your husband needs to start being part of this too – it’s not your responsibility to referee between them, he should be acting to make is own relationship with what is now his child too. Good luck!