His 7 year old is finding it hard

Posted on January 25, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I am dating J who split from his wife who was pregnant in Nov05. I met him after split. J has a daughter aged 7 and a baby aged 10 mths (who live with their mum) My daughter is 6. His 7 yr old is confused about changes in her life – the split, J moving out, arrival of baby, moving house & school & me and my daughter.She is not eating properly, has tummy ache, gets up in the night up to 6 times and looks sad. The Doctor thinks its due to the above events. She seems likes me & my daughter but it must be hard for her to share her dad with new baby, me & my daughter. Myself & J have tried to make time for him and her alone but says she wants us all together. We are very worried about her. She has said she is jealous of my daughter, J has repeatedly told her he loves her etc. J’s ex is ok with me & is also worried. Please can you help

Imagine you’re 7 years old. Your Daddy leaves. A new baby arrives. Your Daddy presents you with a new Mummy-like person, with a daughter very near your own age, who also doesn’t seem to have her own Daddy living with her. No – in fact, she’s got yours.

Now, how would you feel?

Scared? Rejected? Frightened that it’s the fault of the new baby that Daddy left? Or your fault, for not being a good enough daughter? How do you feel abut the new little girl – jealous she has your Daddy full time while you only have him part time? Frightened if you spend time alone with your Daddy the new little girl will end up just like you, losing the Daddy she’s beginning to rely on? And if you also like her and love having a sister around your age, how confused will that make you feel?

And that’s just a glimpse into the mixture of emotions and confused thoughts I imagine she might be having. Kids try to make sense of the things that happen to them – when you’re confused and haven’t quite got a handle on the multitude of events, what sort of sense do you think they may be making of it? Yes, your doctor is quite right; her reactions are certainly about the situation; her behaviour a way of her acting out her distress.

I’m so glad to hear her two parents are on board and wanting to co-operate in doing something about this. All of you are part of the problem, and fortunately of the solution. I would urge that the doctor be asked to refer you all for family therapy with someone who can help you help her make sense of what has happened. If she can express her powerful feelings and have them understood, she will be able to move on to enjoy a life with two loving parents who live separately, and a caring stepmum and stepsister. It’s not the situation as such that is the problem but how you manage it and I’m sure you can all pull this round. Good luck!

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Should i cancel that drink?

Posted on January 25, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i’ve recently started chatting to a guy on the net who i like and who wants to meet me for a drink. we live close to each other so were gonna go to a local bar. thing is i’m scared. i don’t find myself attractive, don’t know what to wear and have a form of alopecia which he doesnt know about and i’m scared will frighten him away. should i cancel?

One of my fav internet jokes is a cartoon of two people in separate places, sat at computers, and the guy is typing “You’re a model? Cool! I’m a Chippendale dancer. I also race speedboats and run marathons…” Both are in slovenly underwear, she’s fat and forty with a ciggie hanging out her mouth, he’s a total slob surrounded by empty beercans. The point being, in cyberspace no-one can see you. The downside of that is that you can spin an absolute fiction about who you are and what you look like. (or is that the upside?). But here’s a definite upside; you can get to know and like someone without their appearance intruding.

You’re worrying about yourself, but what about him? How do you know what he looks like? He may be gorgeous, he may be hideous. But does it, will it, matter? Just because you don’t find yourself attractive doesn’t mean someone else won’t – especially someone who has ‘clicked’ with you in the only way that really matters, mind to mind.

Should you cancel? Unquestionably NOT. If your alopecia is something that is instantly noticeable, and that might rather take over those first few minutes of meeting, then tell him about it before hand. And while you’re about it, tell him you’re nervous and why. Bet you he’ll tell you he feels the same!

It sounds, BTW, as if you’re going to observe the Golden Rules of meeting in real life someone you’ve met on the internet;

*Never exchange phone numbers or addresses until you’ve met them and got to know them.

*Always meet in a busy public place, preferably somewhere you are known.

*Make sure someone – a friend or relative – knows what you’re doing and where you’re going.

*If you can, either suggest you double date with a friend or have a friend where you meet so you can go to them if necessary.

*If you don’t have someone where you meet, arrange to be expected to be in touch with your friend or relative after the date and preferably by mobile partway through.

*Trust your instincts and if it feels wrong, end the date and go home safely – by cab or by ringing a friend or relative to collect and escort you.

Go on – go and enjoy. Safely! Good luck!

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He’s married – it’s not a problem

Posted on January 25, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I’m in love with a man much older and who is married with two kids.. which I have been aware of since day one. We started off as good friends but things changed.. never realised when this happened… it took us a while to acknowledge this. I know I love him and he loves me too.. and I’ve never wanted him to break his home.. he loves his wife too.. says he loves both of us.. I don’t really have a problem with it and am unable to stay away from him…

You don’t have a problem with it? I wonder if his children would have a problem with their Daddy having a bit on the side. I wonder if his wife (‘to love and to honour, to have and to hold, forsaking all others, until death do us part…’) would have a problem with it.

You see, the problem with indulging in relationships with married men is that it isn’t just between you and him. Other people are involved, and other people get hurt. A much older married man would know that. So I wonder what sense he makes of all this.

Is it love? With a marriage, two children, a home and a life together are his feelings for you so unique, so strong that he’s prepared to put it all at risk, to accept the fact that three people will be devastated, hurt, rejected and harmed if this becomes known? Or is he convinced it can be kept secret – and prepared to have a proportion of his time, attention and efforts stolen from his family and given to you? If the latter, you need to recognise he’s perfectly happy to have you give up the chance to have a home, an exclusive relationship and children to stay as his mistress.

Has he done this before? Or is this part of the old Mid Life Crisis Thing, where a middle aged man, feeling his years catching up with him, fearing his wife and children have got fed up with him, searches for a young lover to make him feel potent again?

Let’s get a few things straight. I concede that people can’t help what they feel – you can find yourself drawn to someone even if they are in a relationship with someone else, and if you are committed you can still fall for someone other than your partner.

But you can, you most certainly can, help what you do about it. You make a choice when you let feelings run on, and even more when you act on them. He has decided to betray his wife and children, and to use his age and authority to use and impress you. You probably think this is Real Love and the first time. I have my doubts.

Of course you can stay away from him, if you choose. Of course you can go on playing with this, if you choose. Just don’t think you get brownie points or absolution by saying you can’t help yourself. You can.

A lot of people are going to be hurt if you go on, not least you. If you were a friend of mine I’d tell you to stop fooling yourself, to stop denying this is a problem and to drop it – now. As a counsellor, all I can do is suggest you consider your options carefully and to make a choice. But be aware it is a choice, not a case of being driven or helpless. Whatever you do and whatever happens is entirely in your own hands.

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Flaming!

Posted on January 25, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I have this friend, though I am not really sure. One minute he is all good with me, the next he’s against me and engages an argument. It all started about this friend swearing on msn. he was joking and saying lets give him a round of applause. So I put *applause* and *anchoree* (I meant encore.) Few seconds later he starts to make an argument and tells me “go look in a dictionary you ****head and don’t come back!” or ” you’re so dumb that you cant write your own display name.” My display name was a line from a song in a different language and it was for a friend. When I mentioned to him that it was for a friend and that I wouldn’t expect him to understand what it meant he satrted saying “for an imaginary friend.” From that point I blocked him for I didn’t want to waste my breath on him, but its too big to ignore and it practically happens everyday. What am I to do?

ConfusedBoy

This is called ‘flaming’ – being rude and nasty to other users generally or one or two in particular. Since it is bullying, on all chat sites it’s expressly banned. A bit of friendly banter is fine but being unpleasant and insulting is a no-no.

Don’t waste your breath on him, but do report him, and at once so he gets his knuckles rapped. Look at the site and you’ll find a way of doing so – all chat sites ask for your help in making chat rooms a safe place to be. All conversations are saved so if you can give a rough idea of what was said and when, they’ll check it.

The usual form is for them to warm someone about their behaviour. If he does it again, you report him again and then he gets dumped. Some will ban him at once if when they review the flaming they felt it was unacceptable.

Don’t let him get away with this – such meanness shouldn’t go unchallenged.

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Is this normal?

Posted on January 25, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, well i am 15 and i have this problem with my… down low. the middle bit comes out over the outer part and i dont know what to do.
all the other girls can go to the beach with just there swimmers but i have to wear baord shorts cz i am to embarresed.
how can i change it? please help

Just as everyone has a nose, a mouth, two eyes and two ears, we all have the same sexual bits between our legs. Female genitals are made up of an opening called the vagina, protected by your labia. There are two outer lips – called the outer labia. During puberty these grow a covering of curly, coarse hair. The inner lips are more sensitive, without hair, and the membrane covering them can and should be moist at times, especially when you are sexually excited.

In some people, the inner lips are smaller than the outer ones. In other people, the inner lips are longer and can hang down outside them. It’s exactly the same as faces – some people have large lips, some have thin ones; some have straight lips, some have curved ones. And think about ears, or noses; you know without me telling you that there is a wide range of shapes and sizes and all are natural and normal and OK. Genital lips are the same.

Most of your anxiety is because you’re noticing this part of your body at the moment since it has changed over the last few years. Before you started going through puberty, the inner and outer lips were smaller and smooth. It can come as quite a shock to find them plumping up and growing hair, and often we think the difference is far more than it actually is. Because it’s unlike how it was, we think it’s somehow ‘wrong’. It isn’t.

It shows less than you think, and what shows is a normal outline. If you feel shy about it, when you put on your swimsuit, just tuck the inner lips inside the outer ones. Don’t let this shyness continue to hold you back.

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Should i stay with him?

Posted on January 25, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I am 47 and have been living with my boyfriend since June of last year. We have known each other since March 2002 but he always drifted in and out of the relationship and would disappear for months on end.
Yesterday I found photos of anther woman he was bonking in December 2002. I alsp found photos of him on holiday with his ex girlfriend in July 2003. I have now also found that he has put his profile on a dating website sinec living with me. I left him in October because of emails I had found that he had sent ot his so called ex girlfrined in Feb 2005…also photos of them when they were in New York in “002 when he said he had to go over to Chicago for an operation….I know its all in the past, but the photos I found of some woman he was bonking when with me, were pornographic to say the least. He has tons of porno videos….He downloads the stuff and has saved a lot of it on zipped files. He even looks at it while I’m in the house and then clickes off it when I go into the room. He also continually sucks his thumb and picks his elbows….all day long….PLease help

“I know it’s all in the past…” That’s not you speaking, that’s him, isn’t it? And the issue is not that he dated other women while you and he were no longer together but that you suspect he was having sex with them or at least using his store of photos and access to pornographic internet sites to fantasizing about it while you were together. And if did that before, he can do it again. He could be doing it this very moment…

You don’t trust him and trust is so important in a relationship. Frankly, he sounds about as trustworthy as your average ferret in a chicken pen. And the clincher to me is this stuff you write about him sucking his thumb and picking his elbows. The fact that this makes me squirm and not wish to share a train carriage let alone a home with him isn’t the point. The point is that it makes it very clear you’ve got to the position of not wanting to share time and a home let alone a bed or a life with him.

I suspect you put up with him because you’re scared of being on your own and on the shelf at 47. But while he sits there, watching his porn, picking his elbows and sucking his thumb, he effectively blocks off all your options and possibilities to meet anyone else.

And let’s face it, would being alone with only a cat to come home to be any worse? Cats may lick their backsides but they’re very clean and don’t humiliate you by watching porn. Think of all the things you could do without him. Then think of the advantages to staying with him. Then consider all the ways his being there makes you feel depressed, demeaned, rejected. Sounds to me that if you wrote a few lists, keeping up this relationship comes down firmly on the negative side while ditching it comes up trumps.

If I were you….if I was living with him, I’d make very quick arrangements to leave. If he were living with me, I’d tell him to be out by the end of the month. And then I’d call my friends for a night out to celebrate freedom, go to a gym to get into shape, make an appointment with a new hairdresser to create a whole new look and begin 2007 the way I mean to go on – feeling fantastic. Oh – and if i didn’t have any friends and didn’t belong to a gym I’d go out and make some and find one pronto. Good luck!

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Do we have to have every Sunday lunch with them?

Posted on January 19, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I am 33 and have a beautiful 9 month old baby with my partner of 2 years. When i bacame pregnant we have only been together 4months but since we both wanted a child and were happy together we decided that i should move into his home and live life as family.he is Italian and we live in Italy where his family live 50 km away and i’m from england and don’t have family here but many friends after living here 7 years. the problem is his life hasn’t changed as much as mine . He still has his hobbies , and complains when he doesn’t find time to carry them out and he insists on going every week to his parents for sunday lunch. Whilst i accept this I wish he would acccept that it isnt my custom to go every Sunday and maybe once in a while i’d like to cook at home or see friends on Sunday instead of having this obligation which i’m beginning to resent however nice his family are. When my mum comes out he complains we have no privacy but when we have time to do thing s together he tells me not to disturb him as he has a film to watch or a book to read. Sometime i feel overwhelmed by his family and feel he has had a child to satisfy his parents. It’s like she’s a doll to be paraded on Sundays. i would like to put my foot down and refuse to go on Sunday since we have been there twice already this week and the drive is tiring too, but i don’t want to argue for the sake of the baby. i feel down because my life hasn’t got any control and i have to do things to satisfy others except myself. any advice on how to handle this ??????????

The first few years, and especially the first few months, of parenthood are exhausting and in any family it tends to be a period of shakedown. Having a child throws so many things up into the air that we really should sit down soon after to thrash out what we want, what we like, what we don’t like and what we are going to do about it. But so often, we let the situation stagger on, getting more and more dissatisfied and more and more resentful. It sounds to me as if you and your husband really need to talk over what could become a major problem, if allowed to go on.

In a fair number of UK families, Sunday lunch is seen as family time when sons and daughters take their own kids and go home to their own parents. In an Italian family, it’s more than a tradition, it’s almost a sacred duty. And of course babies are paraded – it’s a culture that adores children. That’s not to say he loves her or you any less.

It feels to me you may find this easier to bear if it was part of a negotiated tit-for-tat (I give you a concession if you give me one) than if it was one of a series of assumed privileges. Be honest – if you could agree on other areas, wouldn’t it become a nice bit of R&R to know on Sunday lunchtime you’d be going across to be fed and feted and not to have to do the work (or fork out the cash!) for such a meal? What makes it so hard is having that as well as several other trips, and feeling he doesn’t give you any consideration other times.

So pick a time when both of you are relaxed and calm and he’s not got his head in a book or film, and ask for you to sit down and talk. But remember to offer as much as you ask – if you would like to entertain friends, do it on a Saturday, and make it something he would welcome as much as you rather than something to argue over by insisting it should be on a Sunday.

You need to work out exactly what you’re objecting to, and what you want and bring that to the table. You’d like him to show as much family feeling for your mother and to understand your and her wish for family visits as you do for his. You’d like him to take his share of baby care, not only so her daughter can enjoy his company and he hers but so you can also have the chance to do your hobbies and see your friends, as does he. You’d like him to spend some time with you rather than read a book or watch film. You both need to nurture your relationship and each other to make this family a happy place for you all to be in.

It sounds to me as if he’s feeling a little overwhelmed, by the transition from being lovers to being a couple with a child. I suspect he’s running away from spending quality time with you because it’s all come on a bit fast. You need to talk that over in order to meet it head on and do something about it, or you’ll gradually drift away and become mired down in tiredness, resentment and bitterness.

It might help to have a chat with Mamma. Italian mammas want their children, and grandchildren, to stay close but they also appreciate the need for sons to face up to their responsibilities to partner and child. If she realised you were struggling and wanted more time together but were keen to go on visiting on Sunday, she may be on your side to encourage him to be a better partner. Good luck!

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He doesn’t want his daughters to know

Posted on January 19, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i am pregnant at 31 with my boyfriends baby. he is 60. The pregnancy was not planned, we had only been seeing each other for about 4 months when i fell pregnant and our relationship was a secret. initially he wanted me to have it terminated but I couldnt do so and was pleased when he seemed ok about it and said that he wanted to see our baby and I.

I was never expecting us to move in together or anything but was upset to discover last week with 11 wks of pregnancy left that he is hoping our relationship and baby will stay a secret. he is single but has two daughters age 34 and 38 and says he does not want to upset them or embaress them as i am younger than they are. i do understand this, but he says that means he cant even have his name on the birth certificate. it also means we can never go out together outside as his daughters live locally. do i have the right to be upset that my baby has 2 be secret but he wants to see it? or do you think circumstances being taken into account this is a reasonable request he has made?

No, his is not a reasonable request. Yes, you have every right to be upset. Actually, I would have said blazing mad, disgusted and downright contemptuous. But this is your baby’s father so you have to swallow some of your own understandable ire and accept some compromises in order to ensure your child has contact with the Dad – contact that really is vital for your baby’s sake. But by that I mean compromise on the desire to read him the riot act in favour of an assertive statement of your and your baby’s needs and rights.

It doesn’t matter whether you were let down by your contraception, made a silly mistake or intended to get pregnant. The fact is it takes two to tango and if he hadn’t wanted to be a father again he should have used condoms or tied a knot in it. Once a baby is on the way, he has a responsibility to it and that’s that. It’s his child, and if he feels shy or uneasy about ‘fessing up to his other kids, he should have thought about that before having his sexual fling with you.

And he’s an idiot if he thinks he can keep it secret, and will be storing up far, far more trouble up for himself if he tries to do so. Sooner or later someone will tell tales. Sooner or later, his child by you is going to ask questions about Dad, and may go looking for him if he runs away. Sooner or later, his daughters will find out and if he’s reneged on his responsibilities they’re likely to be far more upset with him than if he came out and was mature about it. They may feel he’s been a silly old fool, going with a woman younger than them, or they may think the age difference is far less important than they fact he might be happy with you. They may well rather enjoy having a baby brother or sister – plenty of stepsiblings do welcome a younger child. Whatever, coming clean would be the best tack but that’s up to him.

As far as the birth certificate stands, at present you can’t register him as the father unless he consents. But…the mother of the child can give the child any first and surname she chooses. She may give the child the father’s surname if she wants and she does not need the father’s consent to do this. And a father who refuses to have his name on the certificate can change his mind and have it added later. All in all, it sounds to me as if you need to sit down with him and have a proper talk about all this. Whether you and he continue to be an item the fact is you have a joint baby to consider, and that’s both of yours for life. Good luck!

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She can offer sex tips!

Posted on January 19, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, my ex bf who i lost my virginity with has recently emailed me saying that if i want any sex tips his new gf would happily offer! how can i possibly regain my self confidence and feel good about myself in the bedroom after that?!?!
also another ex (more recent) who broke up with me 4 months ago i have recently found out was using me and was 2 timing his long term gf with me. how can i trust another man not to do the same to or with me?

Easily; because not all boys are such jerks. Most are decent, kind, loving and want to give as good as they get. These two are sad exceptions; little boys so ill at ease with themselves that they have to lie and cheat and make up silly tales to make themselves feel better.

You have to ask yourself why on earth would anyone be so stupid, so mean, so petty as to send such an email? Sex isn’t about tips; it isn’t about bedroom tricks. It’s about passion and love and sharing. He’s obviously far too inexperienced or far too shallow to realise this and you gotta pity him – and his new gf!

As for the other one – yes, there are guys out there who can’t manage a close, intimate relationship and so use women other than their primary partners to run away from commitment and hide behind. Again, pity them, and their partners.

You are going to get on out there, meet more people and have more relationships. And each time you meet someone you’re going to trust your instincts and be honest and true. If you get mucked about again, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing they were idiots who didn’t realise gold when they found it. But if you are honourable and sincere, sooner or later you’ll find love with someone as good as you. Good luck!

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I’m shy!

Posted on January 19, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, this boy who i really like for ages asked me out a month ago and i said yes, i really enjoy being with him and he tells me he loves me…but there’s only one problem…we hardly ever talk to one another when we are sober. we both exactly the same…like the same things and we’re both shy! i need help to know what i can say to him to start a conversation and how i can boost my confideance when i am around him, thanks

The last thing you ever want to do is get into the habit of using booze as a way of bolstering your courage. It doesn’t boost your confidence, it just releases your inhibitions and that’s a fast track to falling-down humiliation first, a drinking problem later. What you need to do is learn how to be at ease and to chat without such false props. If you both like the same things, then you’re several steps along already since you have things to talk about.

The best way of starting a conversation isn’t to say anything but to ask something. “Did you see Big Brother – what did you think?” “Where you going for your holidays? Where would you really like to go – why?” “What about that (insert name of teacher/friend/celebrity/event). What was that about?” Notice the real trick; never ask a question that can just be answered Yes, No or Dunno. Always make your queries ‘open’ – needing a bit of chat to answer.

Shyness is about thinking about yourself – “Am I looking/sounding/being stupid?” Force yourself to think about him, not you; make yourself consider his feelings and the things he’s saying, not yours. That way, you stop worrying about the impression you may be making and concentrate on the real point of being there – to share time with someone you like.

The irony is that both of you are with each other because you like each other. And both of you are shy because you’re worrying about the impression the other is getting of you. You don’t have to worry; he likes you! He wants to be with you! Enjoy it!

BTW – don’t make the mistake of thinking you have to be chattering all the time to enjoy yourself with someone. Obviously, long awkward silences aren’t fun but you know you’ve really hit it off when you can enjoy some quiet moments together. Practise asking and listening. Pretty soon, you’ll find yourself answering his questions with ease and you’ll wonder what all the worry was about. Good luck!

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