Bi Curious or gay?

Posted on January 18, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I am 20 years old and really struggling with my sexuality. For a few years, I knew I was attracted to guys, but still felt physically attracted to women sometimes. In fact, I despised the thought of actually being in a relationship with a guy, and more than anything, wanted a wife, some kids – what is generally referred to as a “normal life” – despite not being SEXUALLY attracted to women. I had never had any kind of encounters with guys before until a couple of weeks ago, when a really nice boy was clearly flirting with me and I flirted right back. We had a hot little dance together, which was made better by the fact that no one could even tell we were dancing together. To be honest, nothing much happened, other than a couple of semi-intimate moments between us, and it probably meant very little to him, but it seriously messed with my head because I had always thought I wouldn’t want a proper relationship with a guy, and now I can’t stop thinking about him and what happened. I went back to the same place the week after, hoping to see him and fully expecting – and wanting – something more to happen, but he didn’t appear.

I really have no clue what to do. Despite hating the idea of being gay before, this one encounter has changed me slightly. I’m still not fully there yet though. No one knows, or even suspects I’m gay – I have a lot of heterosexual male friends, who are quite homophobic, and it worries me what will happen if they find out. But I really want something to happen with this guy, despite not even knowing much about him, other than he’s a friend of a friend.

The thought of a gay relationship still does creep me out a bit, but now that I’ve had this one encounter, it has changed me a little, and I really don’t know what my next “move” should be. People are beginning to notice that there is something up with me, as I am constantly down in the dumps. I feel it’s only a matter of time before I blurt everything out, but I honestly don’t know if anyone will understand, especially due to the fact that I can’t stop thinking about someone I don’t even know.

Thanks for your help.

The biggest problem with anxiety about sexuality is that we often know so little, and what we think we know is false. We have this picture that other people are gay, not us or our friends. We think being gay means being outcast. We see being gay as weird an unusual or even unnatural. Well, it’s none of those.

Being gay is a lot more common than you think. You say you have a lot of heterosexual friends who are homophobic. Do you make anti-gay jokes with them, to seem part of the crowd? Or at least let the jokes pass? If so, how do you know you’re the only one in the group wondering about your sexuality?

I don’t think sexuality is an either/or thing. Some men and women are totally straight, never having any feelings for members of their sex. Some men and women are totally gay, never having sexual feelings for anyone of the opposite sex. And the rest are strung out on a line in between, tending maybe one way more than the other, or swinging between depending on the person, the circumstances or their time of life. In other words, the sort of emotions you’re describing are really very common indeed.

Please knock on the head the idea that being gay means not having a normal life or one without family of your own. Gay men adopt, gay men have their own children with straight or gay women and above all, gay men marry.

I can’t tell you whether you’re gay or not, or whether a gay fling would allow you to work out some of your worries or anxieties and sort out what you want to do for the future. I can certainly say if you are tempted to follow up on this flirtation, get and carry some condoms and damn will use them if you do have sex. Any kind of sex – gay or straight – should be an absolute no-no without protection and saying “Oh, I don’t mean to do it” doesn’t get you brownie points.

What I think would really help you would be the chance to talk it over with someone who could understand and be sympathetic and wouldn’t be shocked at all. I’d suggest calling The London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard, who operate a nationwide service, on 020 7837 7324. For more information about them go to The London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard

They also have a site called Queery which has loads of support and advice on coming out and links to both sources of help and of social events. Once you have a chance to talk it over with someone other than your friends you will have a better idea of whether you’re just ‘bicurious’ or whether this is something you have to do to be true to yourself, and how to go about it. Good luck!

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I am hopelessly in love

Posted on January 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
This is proberly going to sound really stupid to a adult because I am only 15 but I am hopelessly in love. Theres a boy that gets on my schools bus who is 17/18 and I love him so much. All I do is think about him and whenever I listen to particular songs all I do is think of him. He barely knows me, although we sit next 2 each other quite a few times and to be honest I dont know a great deal about him but I know he is gorgeous, funny, caring and a good person. I wish he knew how I felt about him but in some ways wish he didn’t, only if it ruined our friendship or he didn’t actually like me. I feel so hopeless and ugly and like I need to loose weight and I don’t know why. All I ever do is think of him and I only like going to school so I can see him. please help me some how. I am DESPERATE. x x

No, it doesn’t sound stupid at all. 15 is about the age that most of us first experience the strength of first love and it is always quite overwhelming.

But because I don’t think it stupid that doesn’t mean I’m going to say “Oooh yes, this is the real thing and you should pursue him to the ends of the world”. Your feelings are genuine and intense and very understandable. They are exactly the emotions that drove Romeo (who was 17) and Juliet (who was 15)…and look what happened to them. Go read your Shakespeare. When Romeo first met Juliet, he was madly in love with another girl and was declaring his undying affection for her.

The point I’m making is that your feelings can be intense and real and thoroughly admirable, but that doesn’t mean they will last. Teenagers go through these sudden and intense experiences for the same reason you go through sudden passions about the environment, war, certain music or film stars, fashions, career choices. It’s all about your mind and your body doing a shake down, giving the hormones racing through your body a work out and trying on personalities, enthusiasms and appearances for size.

You’re not in love with him. Love is about knowing someone and you don’t really know him – you have an image about who you think and fantasize he is. Which is fine – it’s fun and all a part of growing up to have these intense infatuations. But believe me – if you gave it a few weeks, or got to know him, you’d find the feelings would calm down a bit. If you got to know him you may find this strength of feeling gave way to something a lot more satisfying – a real friendship with the person he really is. Or, of course, you may find neither of you really hit it off at all and it might be you who cools down first.

As for feeling you are not worthy; rubbish! Trust me – you’re gorgeous. But you may not be his type and you shouldn’t feel the worse for that.

How can I help you? I can’t match-make and I wouldn’t want to, nor give you the secret key to making him your slave. I can’t wave a magic wand and make you instantly irresistible to him – and again, I wouldn’t want to.

What I can do is reassure you that what you are feeling is normal and natural; that you will recover from it; that you should hold your head up high and accept your own worth.

And what I can suggest is that the next time he gets on your bus you smile at him. If he hasn’t noticed you before he will. And if he finds you interesting, he’ll take the opportunity to sit next to you and get chatting. But don’t place too much importance on all this. Believe me – first love may be powerful and distracting but it’s seldom last love. And it’s certainly not worth losing sleep or school work over!

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I don’t feel safe with men.

Posted on January 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

Recently I’ve had a guy take advantage of me. I was stupid and didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. I think this might have affected the way I see men. I havn’t felt safe with a guy for weeks and I have dumped a few because it didn’t feel right. Now I just don’t know what to do. I’m confused about the people I can trust and have driven great guys away because I havn’t felt right. Everytime I go out the house I’m afraid I might see the guy who did it. Even though he moved like an hours drive away from me! I think he has changed my life completely. I can hardly look a man in the eye now. Please help me. I’m tearing my self apart over this.

I’m so sorry to hear about this. Of course if you’ve had a bad experience and if your trust has been abused you will feel wary and hurt and find it hard to trust again in a hurry. All men are NOT abusers who will take advantage of you. Neither are you to blame for what happened – the man who did this did so because he decided to do so, so part of what you require is the chance to place the blame and fury for this where it belongs.

You need to be able to dump all your pain, anger and humiliation on someone who can understand and help you. It really sounds as if you could do with someone to talk to so you can let go of your fright and anger, and to work out some safe and effective strategies to help you get back your life.

Your own GP may be a good place to start – he or she can listen sympathetically and make suggestions about who might be able to help you locally. Or, contact Rape Crisis at Rape Crisis

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We squeeze each other’s bum’s

Posted on January 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I have known this girl for quite some time now.. she is seeing my best friend. but they been having a few problems. and she turns to me for someone to talk to which i don’t mind. But we have been flirting a lot. we touch and squeeze each other’s bum’s and i don’t know what to do seeing as I’m starting to get feeling for her!!

Touching and squeezing bums is a pretty good indicator of interest. Or indeed, a forerunner to it. If you haven’t feelings before, you’re likely to have them once you’ve got going.

You’ve got a clear choice. Hands off and stay friends with her, your best friend and indeed yourself. Mucking about with a mate’s partner behind their back doesn’t make you feel very good about yourself, does it? If they’re having problems they need the space to sort this out. She may be flirting with you simply to give herself an ego boost and that doesn’t help you or their relationship.

Or, discuss it with her and support her so she can finish with your mate cleanly and clearly, and then the two of you can become partners without it being a guilty secret.

Or, go on as you are and wait for fireworks. Whether it ends in you recognising you’ve been used or him realising he’s been betrayed, no-one will come out of that happily. However hard it seems, grasping the nettle, talking it through, being honest and making a clean choice is always the best tactic.

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Does he enjoy it too?

Posted on January 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i love and enjoy the sex between me and my boyfriend of nearly 2 years but i am not sure if he does he says he does but i want to know if he is tellin the truth what can i do???

What can you do to make sure he is telling the truth? Oh dear. Well, you can ask him submit to a polygraph test I suppose. There are several companies offering it and when I googled “lie detector” I even found a website apparently telling you how to make a lie detector yourself (but I’d be very wary of that!)

But even lie detectors can be fooled by a skilled liar or someone who doesn’t care. I’d say it would far more effective, and far more important, for you to ask yourself why you don’t believe him.

You’re having sex with him. You’ve been with him for 2 years. You say you enjoy the sex you have between you and he says so does he. So why are you asking this? Has he given you reason to distrust him? Have your life experiences left you feeling low in self confidence and self esteem so you doubt that he could or should enjoy this intimacy you share?

The only reasonable way to find out if someone is telling the truth is to ask them. If you can’t trust what they say, it’s for one of two reasons. Either your instincts are correct and they are not trustworthy – in which case, get out while the going is good. Or because you have a problem, either with intimacy or with accepting your own self worth – in which case, address that and seek some help.

I can’t tell you which it is but I bet you can, if you think about it. A counsellor from Relate could help, either way. Find one near you at Relate. They also do phone counselling – for info on that call 08451 30 40 16. Good luck!

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i feel messed up

Posted on January 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I’m an 18 year old girl, and i feel messed up and really low about everything in my life. i feel bad for the loss of my brother and father because of the way i have turned out. i am feeling so horrid at the moment and dont know how to fix it please can you help!

I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling so unhappy. It does sound awful. But I wonder whether you should be feeling it’s your fault and that you are the horrid element here? You seem to believe that you deserve what is going on in your life and I’m not so sure that is true.

You say you feel bad “for the loss of my brother and father because of the way I have turned out.” What do you mean by that? That your family have cut off contact because of what they think is bad behaviour that is your responsibility?

Let me tell you something. Bad behaviour is a way of showing we have bad feelings – pain, fear, anxiety, anger. Children should have their needs for love, security, approval met. If parents don’t meet those needs, kids often act out their distress with what seems to be “bad” behaviour. What grown ups ought to do in such circumstances is to dive below the behaviour to try to understand what are the emotions and the needs behind them. You’re 18 and you’ve “turned out” how? Angry? Lost? Lacking self esteem and confidence? Your parents should have done something about it or not let you sink into feeling like this in the first place, not blamed you for it.

But it is up to you to fix it now, and you can. What you need is someone to talk to, someone who will help you work through your emotions and come out stronger and more in control. At 18, you have every opportunity to entirely turn your life around – you just have to do it. if you are in contact with a social or youth worker do trust them and tell them what’s been going on. Or, do you trust and like your GP? Doctors can put you in touch with people to talk with. Or, call Get Connected on 0808 808 4994. Their counsellors give confidential help for young people and can refer you on to face to face help or better suited phone support.

You deserve some respectful, caring help. Do, please, ask for it. Good luck!

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Are they lying?

Posted on January 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
If someone answers a question in a way which doesn’t make sense in relation to the question being asked, do you think it means the person is lying?

I can’t really answer your question – you haven’t given me enough to go on.

You can often tell if someone isn’t telling the truth by their body language. We call them “tells” – gazing over your shoulder, scratching a nose or pulling at an ear, fidgeting or grimacing can let you know that they are fully aware they are not being honest. Changing the subject may indeed be a way of avoiding the issue.

But it’s also possible that the person you’re wondering about answered in a way you didn’t want, or answered in the way they felt truthful. If you’d like to tell me what was the question, and what was the answer, I may be able to make a better guess. Otherwise, you’ll have to trust your own instincts – and they can be reliable unless you’re hoping to hear one thing and upset you hear something else!

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to Laura Tucker

Posted on January 4, 2007 by Suzie

Write again with your email addy, Laura, and I’ll get back to you directly. Since I promise and deliver confidentially on this site, correspondents email addies are not displayed to me – you have to include it in your message for me to see it!

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he says i’m fit but he fancies a mate

Posted on January 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I really,really like this guy, but i recently heard he apparently ‘fancies’ one of my mates. He has said before that im ‘fit’ and that he loves me…

what does this mean? what do i do?

It probably means he’s a normal guy who fancies lots of nice looking and interesting girls. As I’m sure you are a normal girl who fancies lots of nice looking and interesting boys. I don’t think “love” comes into it – that’s something you develop with a partner with whom you have a real relationship over time.

What do you do? If you fancy him and would like to see more of him, ask him out. Ask him if he wants to join you and some mates for a coffee, a movie, to hang out at your local mall.

But watch out over declarations of love. You shouldn’t really expect or believe anything that smacks of lifelong devotion or eternal fidelity at this stage. After all, deep down that’s not what you feel for him, so why should you think he feels it for you?

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kissing other lads

Posted on January 4, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 months now. We get on really well. The problem is, I’m going off with other lads! I always end up kissing them, I don’t know how it happens, it just does! Help!

“I don’t know how it happens, it just does!” Oh perleaze! It happens because you choose to let it happen; indeed, because you actively make it happen.

Actually, there’s nothing wrong with that. I would imagine from your mail that you’re a teenager and that means you’re at a time in your life when you’re still exploring, still learning. I think it’s such a mistake at this age to tie yourself down and promise lifelong fidelity and monogamy; neither you or your boyfriend are going to keep such an unrealistic promise so why make it? The only thing you’re doing wrong is making a pledge you can’t keep and then denying responsibility for the consequences.

We can’t help what we feel but we all sure as hell can help what we do about it. Everyone fancies or is attracted to people other than their partner – that’s human nature. Being in a relationship doesn’t make you somehow immune to other people’s charms. But the mature thing to do is to be straight with your partner and for them to be straight with you and to make the choice to stay faithful – or to be upfront about the fact that you’re not.

So let’s get a few things straight. You are entirely in control and responsible for your actions. Kissing doesn’t “just happen”. You could say no if you wanted to. What you need to consider and recognize is that you obviously don’t want to say no; you want to say yes.

So why not kiss your boyfriend kindly on the cheek, say you enjoy his company a lot but aren’t ready to be exclusive just yet.

He may say “Hey – what a relief; I’ve been feeling guilty that it’s the same for me! Why don’t we go on as we have been, seeing other people too but not feeling bad about it?” Or he may blow up and blow you away (and be a hypocrite if, as I suspect, he has been seeing other girls too). Or he may be hurt because he has been exclusive to you. If so, he’ll be pretty unusual for his age.

Whatever, since you’re not ready for this yet it would be best all round if you made your position clear before he finds out or before you get really depressed at what you’re doing. As I said, I don’t think playing the field is the dilemma; it’s lying to yourself and to your boyfriend that is the problem and the best way out of that is to stop lying.

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