CRABS!!

Posted on December 31, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i have CRABS!!

That’s sad to hear. Are you sure, though? Crabs, or to give them their proper name, pubic lice are yellow-grey in colour, measure about 2mm long and have large, crab-like claws with which they fasten themselves to hair. They’re usually found in the hair round your genitals but you can also find them in underarm hair, on hairy legs and chests and sometimes in beards, eyebrows and eyelashes.

Crabs are one of the few sexually transmitted conditions you don’t have to have full sex to catch or pass on. But you do need to get up close and personal – they crawl from hair to hair; they don’t fly or jump. But since the eggs of the lice can survive away from the body for up to 24 hours, so it’s possible for them to be passed on by sharing clothes, bedding or towels. However, you can’t catch pubic lice from sharing cups, plates or cutlery, or from toilet seats or swimming pools.

If you have crabs you’ll have noticed itchy or reddened skin and you may have seen other signs such as brown eggs on your hair, lice droppings in underwear (they look like black powder) and sometimes spots of blood. Sometimes you can actually see the lice or their eggs.

A doctor can easily find out if it is pubic lice by asking you some questions, and or by giving you an examination. The good news is lice are easily treated. Special shampoos, creams or lotions are used to kill them and their eggs – you don’t need to shave BTW!
The itching or rash may continue after treatment and take a few weeks to clear up. A soothing lotion may help with this.

Pubic lice don’t cause any serious long-term health problems. But, to avoid re-infection, all your clothes and bedding should also be washed and any sexual partners should be treated too. You’ll have to avoid sex and all close contact until treatment has been completed and the lice and their eggs have gone.

You can get lotions and treatments from your pharmacist but I’d strongly advise seeing a doctor. This is because if you’ve caught this from sex, you may have other sexual infections too, and you’ll appreciate the help offered to contact the person who gave this to you and stop it being passed on further. You can talk to your GP or go to a genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinic. These clinics diagnose and treat all STIs for free. They’re completely confidential and your GP won’t be informed without your say-so. You can go to any clinic in the country for advice or treatment.

To find a GUM clinic:
• look in your local phone directory or search the internet under genitourinary medicine (GUM), sexually transmitted disease (STD) or venereal disease (VD)
• call fpa’s helpline on 0845 310 1334 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm) or visit www.fpa.org.uk
• call NHS Direct on 0845 46 47 or, if you live in Scotland, NHS 24 on 08454 24 24 24 (both lines open 24 hrs)

In future, if you’ve caught this non sexually, be more careful with the items you let come into contact with you. If you got it from intimate contact, use a condom and practise safe sex! Good luck!

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teenage woes

Posted on December 31, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
Hi its Tracy from Stepfamilies. Have you any contact numbers that can help a teenager?

Hi Tracy – how nice to hear from you! I’ll happily put some contact numbers up.

Depending on the problem, teenagers can get good quality help via The Site or from Young Minds or Brook. But if you, as an old friend, would like to send me your email addy since I seem to have mislaid it, I’ll ask for a few more details and give you more targeted help. Good to hear from you and hope you and the family have had a good Christmas! And Happy New Year!

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Does my mother have the right?

Posted on December 14, 2006 by Suzie

After dating a guy for a while I introduced him briefly to my mother. A few weeks later I discovered aggressive and negative traits in him, the relationship ended and we have had no contact since. On paper the guy is a superb catch (intelligent, prestigious job, good looking) and my mother is now demanding that I give her his contact details so she can introduce him to her friends’ daughters. My mother has spoken to him in total for under ten minutes, knows absolutely nothing about him personally and despite my explaining why we broke up, insists that she has the right to have his contact details. So far I have refused and whilst the arguments on this matter are tiresome, I do not want him anywhere near me or my family circle. He has not tried to contact me either so I can only assume he feels the same way! Am I right not to give his details to my mother?

Absolutely right! What part of “This man is a user and abuser” does your mother not understand?

You’re an adult; she has no right at all to know about your friends or your love life – that you choose to tell her is a privilege and entirely your choice. She certainly has no right whatsoever to demand his contact details! But quite apart from that if this man is a wrong ‘un you have a responsibility – a responsibility you are properly discharging – not to pass him on to other women you know.

Tell her you will go over once more why you dropped him and make a clear statement of her total lack of ‘rights’ in this matter. And then tell her the subject is closed. Period. And if she goes on bullying you, do what we should always do with bullies; walk away and leave them to themselves.

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I feel I’m really at the end of my tether

Posted on December 14, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I am looking for some advice to cope with stress. I feel that i am not coping very well. I am 40 and my partner of 2 years is 49 and he has advanced cancer of the bowel and liver. he has had 2 cycles of chemo and radiotherapy. I have felt increasing stressed and ill over the past 4 weeks especially. I am his carer and he has good and bad days when can be bedridden.

We have a 6 month old baby who is really good but still a responsiblity. We have just moved house which i had to do almost single handed and although keeping busy keeps my mind off of things I feel really at the end of my tether and exhausted .

I am angry and tearful and worry over absolutely everything. Our grown up children from previous relationships ranging from 18 – 25 are little use except to ask for money or lifts and seem unconcerned – my older son and my daughter seem to avoid the situation as they find it ‘depressing’. I have only one close friend to confide in and cant afford to see her much as she lives some distance away. My partner says he is fed up with my mood swings although i try to explain to him i am upset and stressed he thinks that as i dont have cancer i am the lucky one and should be happy. I spoke to my gp who says that i have situational stress and there is nothing to do about it as i was reluctant to take antidepressants. I am also about to go bankrupt for 42K after a disasterous 5 years of trying to make ends meet ie exhusband withholding maintenance, my brothers suicide, car crash, son off the rails etc. No one seems to be bothered and think that people assume that as I am ‘coping’ that all is ok. I have a respite babysitted 2X3 hour sessions a week but no other help. I dont know how long i can go on like this.

Well, for a start you can get rid of that bloody useless doctor of yours!!! “Situational stress”? What the hell does that mean? If he meant, as I might say, “Good grief woman, no wonder you’re feeling awful, anyone in your situation would!” then why didn’t he say it?

Because it’s true. What you have on your plate – a seriously ill husband, a baby, a house move, a family loss to suicide, a car crash, a son giving you cause for grief and no real support network – would make a superwoman quail. It would have me on my knees, I can tell you and I’m totally impressed you’re not a gibbering wreck.

But as for “Unless you let me shove chemical suppressants down your throat there’s nothing I can do…” …Oh rubbish!! What you desperately need is someone to talk to. Someone who will listen, who will confirm that what you are struggling with is overwhelming and that you need have no guilt at finding it so. On the accepted stress scale, house moves, new babies, sick partners all come top and the number of stress points you’ve racked up in the last year is enough to force anyone to the wall if it happened over five years!

Talking to someone would help you put all this into perspective and that in itself would make it feel a bit better. You need to stop feeling bad about feeling bad. And someone to talk to would help you see that being the carer of a partner who is seriously ill makes you just as worthy of and needy of help as the person who is ill. When you’ve had time to take a deep breath and get a portion of your anger, pain and grief out in the open, someone to talk to will then

What to do? Apart, as I said, from asking round and finding a more up-to-date, sympathetic doctor who can refer you for proper support, get in touch with the two main cancer charities, Macmillans and Cancer BACUP. Both have helplines and both – particularly Macmillan – could put you in touch with counselling care which is routinely given to the carers as well as the patients. Macmillan is at Macmillan and their helpline on 0808 808 2020. Cancer BACUP is at Cancerbackup , helpline on 0808 800 1234.

Then stop being so brave. That’s the problem with us strong women – we tend to turn away the help that could be available because we want to seem able to manage. When someone asks you how you are, say “Awful. What I could really do with is…” That gives them the chance to come through for you – and many will, if you give them the chance. Even your kids – sometimes people avoid illness, especially serious illness ,because it frightens the life out of them. “It’s boring” actually means “It’s horribly scary”. Tell them clearly how much you’d appreciate their support and you may get it. I do wish you the very best.

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my friend is self harming

Posted on December 14, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, my friend has been really upset lately. Shes been bottling up her feelings and won’t tell us whats wrong. She recently took 2 self-harming. I’m Really worried about her. Plese help.

It’s lovely having a good friend like you so she’s very lucky in that. But it’s not so good for you if you fall into the trap of believing she’s your responsibility and it’s up to you to sort out her life and what’s gone wrong with it. The reasons for self harming can be complicated and it can be quite a task helping someone work out why they do it and how they’re going to stop.

As a friend, you can’t and shouldn’t take that burden. What you can do is tell her you know she’s having a tough time and when things get on top of you, you’d ask for help. Say you’d like to be a listening ear and encourage her to talk, but know your limits. I’d suggest having a look at the National Self Harm Network’s website at .National Self Harm Network and drawing it to her attention.

If you’re still at school, tell your parents what is happening and a trusted teacher and ask them to look at the website and take action. Be there for her as a friend but don’t expect to be able to be her therapist.

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How can you tell?

Posted on December 4, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I would really like to know the signs of somebody loving you? As there is this boy I really like and i want to know if he feels the asme way. {Please if you could tell me the basic signs)

Well – the physical signs of interest are pupils of the eye enlarging when the person you fancy comes in sight, a slight flush on the cheeks and chest, faster breathing and sweaty palms.

Most people who react to being with a person they like by talking to them, looking at them. They may go out of their way to to be where that person is. They also tend to bore their friends sick by talking about the person they fancy or asking questions about them. They may be kind and helpful to the person they’re attracted to, offering to help them or spend time with them.

But it all gets complicated by the fact that young people think it’s oh so kwl to play it cool. So sometimes the sure signs that someone likes you is that they slag you off, ignore you, walk away when you join the group…

If you like him, what are the signs you may be showing to him? That could give you some clues – is he behaving the same?

Personally, I don’t think you can put together a check list and tick it off to see if someone likes you or not. The best way to find out is to go by your instincts or ask. You like him – fine! Next time you see him, ask him if he’d like to have a coffee or drink with you, go to a film, listen to some sounds….you choose what you think you’d like to share with him.

Sometimes you have to risk being rejected to get what you want. That’s why boys often hang back – they’re scared of being laughed at. I can’t give you a fool-proof way of knowing what the reaction will be before you put yourself on the line. But wouldn’t it be awful if he really liked you but was too nervous to say, and you held back until someone else with more self confidence swooped in and carried him away? Go on – take the risk!

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People might think I’m a slut!

Posted on December 4, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I’m a 20 year old girl, and I’m a little worried that people might think I’m a slut. When I was 17 I got into a relationship with a 22 year old guy. We fell in love and after 6 months I lost my virginity to him. However, after 2 years of being with him (faithful) the relationship ended.

About a month later I got into a relationship with a guy I’d known for nearly a year and after a couple of weeks ended up sleeping with him too. This relationship ended after 6 months (2 months ago).

Last night I met up with a guy I’m friends with and we ended up having sex together. I know that people can have multiple partners without being sluts (and I’m always careful) but I’m worried that men will find me less attractive if they know I’ve been with 3 men. Why is it so different for women?? The men I’ve slept with have all slept with more than 6 girls each and don’t see it as a problem. Am I just being paranoid or do I have a problem?

We gave it a name – the Double Standard; that was the belief that somehow it was totally acceptable if not desirable for men to have a range of sexual experiences and a number of sexual partners, but that women should “keep themselves pure”. Then feminism came along and one of the issues it blew out of the water was sexual hypocrisy.

Surely the important question is not how many but how. I would say a man who has several sexual encounters, each one simply a matter of adding conquests to his score, far more deserves the title of a slut than a woman who has relationships that involve care and emotional involvement as well as sex.

Times have changed. A recent survey found that the average number of sexual partners for women in their thirties was 6. I believe that men and women are far more similar than different and I would apply the same expectations to both; that sexual activity is best kept within loving, caring and long term relationships. But that sometimes short lived relationships or no-strings sex can be a personal choice and as long as both partners know and agree that is what they are doing and both take proper precautions to protect their own and the other person’s sexual and emotional health it’s up to them.

If you worry about other people’s opinions you need to ask yourself one question; are you worried about behaviour that is selfish, harmful, dangerous or otherwise unacceptable, or are you fretting about people who don’t know you being judgemental, censorious and sexist? If it’s the former than perhaps you need and want to change your behaviour (but from what you’ve said I wouldn’t feel this applies to you). If it’s the latter then you need to improve your self esteem and self confidence so you get on with your own life and not worry what other people MIGHT be thinking.

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He’s wonderful but can I believe him?

Posted on November 27, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I just came across this site while i was surfing the internet. Can you advice me please? I have met this wonderful person who make me feel like no other person have in my entire life. But like all stories there is something he is living with this girl which whom he got a kid with plus she is helping him since about three years with his other kids from his previous marriages. He said he love me and I believe him and I am a bit confused right now I dont know if I believe him because I really need to hear those words or if he really mean it he is an awsome person sweet caring etc etc etc he is also talking about a future together i dont know what to do please help me

Tough situation and I can see how you might want to keep hold of someone who seems wonderful, who makes you feel good and who says he loves you.

You believe him. From what you have said to me, I do not. Indeed, I hear alarm bells ringing. He’s awesome, sweet and caring? He is at present living with someone who has a child with him. At the very least, you’re saying your awesomely sweet, caring man is cheating on not just a partner but a child. He’s lying to them – spending time with you and money on you while his partner and child wait at home for him. You think such deception is awesome and sweet and caring?

And you then drop another bombshell; this awesome and sweet and caring man has not just one child but several other children from several other relationships. So he has lied and cheated on not one but several sets of women, and children, to have what he wants. What does he want, I wonder? Sex and ironed shirts, cooked meals and a warm bed when he wants it, with whom he wants it, without all that boring faithfulness stuff in exchange.

Of course he’s very good at making women feel he loves only them and has a future with them – he has had an awful lot of practice at saying these things to a wide variety of women. Wonder whether he says the same to the kids, or does he bunk off before they get to an age when they can see through such declarations to say “Yes Dad, but what about me?”

You say you need to hear such words. I have no doubt whatsoever he knows this; users and abusers like this are very good at targeting people who are vulnerable to their techniques. What you actually need is some help to become more self confident so you aren’t so needy, and thus don’t lay yourself open to such treatment.

Make an effort to get some friends. Make an effort to do something – work training, exercise, volunteering – that helps you feel good about yourself and your skills. Talk to someone – a relative, friends, your own doctor, a counsellor – to help you work out why you’re in such need to hear nice words and how you can make sure next time you pick a guy who deserves to hear you say such words to him. Good luck!

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nasty girls

Posted on November 22, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I would like to tell you about a problem that I can’ t solve.
Everybody thinks I’m always happy, but it’s not really the truth.
When I go to school, I become sad. I don’t accept my face, but especially my body. I see many girls that look like top models. I’ve tried to lose weight since I was 7 years, but nothing has changed. Last year two girls (they are in my class, unfortunately) told me that I’m so ugly. (Guys think I’m pretty.) One of those girls also said to me that if she was me, she will kill herself, because she feels ashamed of my look. When I go to bed, I thinks of these words and I feel bad. Sometimes, at school, I go in a place where I can stay alone. I like stay with friends, but it’ s not so easy to show the face and the body. I lost self-respect. I may be too sensitive. What do you think? What should I do? Excuse me for the English. I don’t speak your language.

What a horrible situation – you do have my sympathy. But I have to say you’re making a big mistake, believing this poor girls. I say “poor” because they obviously have a lot of problems and you should feel sorry for them. Think about it; they go up to a girl and tell her she should kill herself because she is ugly. Now, what sort of a person says that?

If it was true, why would you want to make a girl who already feels bad, feel worse? If it was not true, why would you want to persuade someone it was? I’ll tell you; girls who feel so awful about themselves, who perhaps are having such a bad time in some part of their lives, that they have to spread misery around. They think by making other people feel awful they won’t feel quite so bad.

So take my word for it; they are not telling the truth. They picked on you for two reasons.

One was that you are pretty and they’re jealous. They want to make you feel bad because they think that will put them above you and they’ll feel good. Sadly for them, it doesn’t actually work that way. You may be miserable. When they go home, I bet they’re even sadder than you.

But the other reason they pick on them is because you let them. You’ve tried to lose weight since you were 7? Why on earth would you do that? If you really have a weight problem then speak to your doctor and have him or her help you and your parents work out a sensible plan for healthy eating and exercise. But I suspect there is nothing to worry about with your face or your body. You’ve let a lack of self esteem persuade you there is, and your lack of self confidence makes you a very easy target for bullies.

You stand out as different and they can easily confuse you, your English not being so good, and that makes you a target. But it’s your willingness to you let these girls cut you out of the crowd and drive you away from your friends to be by yourself that really makes you the target. They bully, but you let them.

Don’t let their nasty, silly little games work. Hold your pretty head up and go be with your friends. If they try it again, laugh in their faces and say “What’s your problem?”

Your school must have an anti-bullying policy, which it should put into action. You should tell a teacher, and your parents, what has been happening and ask them to do something about it.

But the best way you can deal with it is head on. It’s not true and you can tell them so. And you could tell them that whatever problems they have that leads them to be so pathetically nasty, you sympathize. If they want some help a counsellor or agony aunt such as myself would be glad to listen and support them to change their own life and change their behaviour. Good luck!

PS Your English is actually good! So I bet your face and body are even better!

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homework help

Posted on November 20, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i am stuck on my history project no one will help me and it is extremely hard what shall i do

You’re not only asked to do projects and homework generally to see if you can learn and explain the facts at hand. The point is also to let you learn how you handle gathering information, negotiating difficulties and managing problems.

There’s no shame in finding school work hard– maybe it’s supposed to be hard. Maybe you’re expected to say “Hey – I need some help” Even if other people in your class are finding it easier, if you’re making heavy weather the worst thing you can do is struggle on pretending you can manage or trying to cheat your way to finishing it.

My suggestion? Go to your teacher and say you’re having a bad time. Discuss why. It could be your own damn fault – perhaps you weren’t paying attention, had bunked off at important times, lost your work or partied when you should have been working. If so, apologize and say you really want to catch up and could you please have some help in getting it all together. It may be for reasons nothing to do with you – if you’ve been ill or family problems have meant you’re struggling your teacher needs to know this to give you the extra help you deserve.

Whatever, don’t expect to get someone else to do the work for you. But you can expect to have some help in organising where you get the information to do this project, how to understand it and how to put it together. Make it clear you want help in doing it for yourself, and you will get that support. Good luck!

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