Suzie Hayman: Agony Aunt

Dear Suzie, I’m a 20 year old female and have recently been talking a lot to a 23 year old guy i met on the internet. We chat via msn, webcam and phone. We get on really well and want to meet each other. He wants me to get a train to his home town and meet him there (there’s nothing to do where I live). Is this such a good idea?

I’m in favour of any way of getting in touch with and meeting people – after all, in essence what’s the difference between meeting someone at a party, a bar, through an old fashioned Lonely Hearts column and through the Internet?

Well, there’s one difference with the Internet. Meeting someone through friends at a party means you have some form of personal recommendation; they know him as well as you and if he’s a wrong ‘un will warn you off. And the guy knows that if he puts a foot wrong you know where he lives and where he can be found. Even meeting someone in a local bar gives you some sort of protection in that you may have mutual contacts.

The danger of the internet is that you and he may have no mutual connections, and most of all the person you’re chatting to can spin a total web of lies about who they are and where they live. You may have eliminated one really big danger which is that since you don’t see the person they can tell you they are one age and turn out to be very much older. You say you have chatted with a webcam so I’d hope he’s not going to turn out to be a 50 year old dirty old man. But getting on the train to go see him is a risk too far – far too far. Seriously, how do you know his intentions are decent? Go to him and he turns out to be the sort of man who thinks a woman coming into his territory is ‘asking for it’ and where is your help and protection?

What do you mean by “there’s nothing to do where I live”? Not one pub, coffee shop, café? Nothing? Codswallop. Safety is far, far more important than glitzy bars or theme parks. If he’s genuine he’ll be more than happy for you to say “No, come and meet me in my home town for our first meeting. And you can meet a friend of mine too – we’ll double date.” And make sure you go to meet him, in public, with a friend or relative either with you or a table away. Then, if your instincts tell you something is wrong you can get the back up to leave safely.

If he’s genuine, he won’t be at all worried that you’re taking precautions. In fact, it’s a good test; if he objects don’t take any notice of whatever argument he uses. If he objects, my anxieties are proved correct.

You may think I’m over reacting but trust me. The sad thing about the internet is that while it is a fabulous tool to link up like-minded people, it is also a playground for users and abusers to trawl chat sites just looking for lonely, young, inexperienced or naïve people and take advantage of them. I hope he turns out to be lovely. But please, don’t take risks.

Dear Suzie,
i have no one to talk with but u, so i hope u will help.
i’m 17 and i like a boy from my high school, i feel like he like me back, but he is too shy. i talk to him everyday but just : hello,how r u? how was ur day? or something like that ,but nothing more. so how can i be sure if he truly like me or i’m just dreaming? cause i don’t want to fall in love with him then get hurt.
i know all his friends. i don’t want him to find out that i like him,cause i’m afraid if he knows he will become selfish or he won’t want me . i don’t know. now wherever he goes in school he finds me.
i don’t want to get hurt again. so that’s why i have to chose the one who i’m gonna fall in love with even if sometimes my heart control me.
so what do u think? help to know how to win him plz
thanks very much

I’m not sure anyone can control who they fall for – emotions are not something we can rein in just because we want to! If you like him, you like him – the cat’s out of the bag already. But you can, of course, control what you do about it. You can ignore him, play cool with him, pretend you don’t like him. But what’s the point of that?

You tell me he seems to pop up in school wherever you are – that’s about as big a clue as I can think of that he feels the same about you as you do about him. So while both of you are playing silly “I’m so kwl” games, you’re both missing out on having fun and being special to each other.

Yes, once he knows you like him he may muck you about; he probably fears once you know he likes you you’re going to take advantage. Perhaps if you both acted like nice people, no-one will get hurt.

Although, it’s unlikely that you’ll stay together for ever so a break up is on the cards sometime in the future, but that’s life. You don’t avoid life by putting your head in the sand.

So how to win him? Next time you say “hello, how r u? how was ur day?” add “Want to come have a coffee with me/watch a DVD/listen to some sounds after school?” (you put in whatever rings your bell!) and see what happens. My view is that it’s worth taking risks to get somewhere. Never taking risks means you never achieve anything and that’s far, far worse than nursing a broken heart for a few weeks.

Dear Suzie, my boyfriend just dumped me cause he just wants to be friends. Says he’s been thinking bout it for a month, and I even asked him last week if he was going to dump me and he said no. Problem is i love him. How am I going to get over him? There was nothing wrong with our relationship, even he admits that, he just wants something better…

It’s sad and you have my sympathy. The end of a relationship is always a wrench, whatever the reason and whatever either party says to end it. And the problem is it always takes some time to untangle your feelings, even if you’ve only been together a short time. The longer you were a couple or the more effort and emotion you put into the relationship the harder it might feel.

At this point, you probably do feel you love him and always will, and you will wonder how on earth you are going to get over it and him. How will you do it? One day at a time, that’s how. Last week, you woke up howling over the fact he’d gone. This week, you’ll wake up and ache. Next week….it’ll feel difficult. Next month….ah, well; next month it will start feeling just that little bit easier. And eventually whole days will go by when you didn’t think about him or hurt over him. And one day you’ll wake up happy, and someone else will make a pass and your heart will leap. Yes, sounds unlikely NOW, but trust me; it will happen.

And while this is gradually happening, like a cut or graze slowly healing, reflect on this. It doesn’t matter what particular excuse the other person comes up with, when it’s over it’s over. He could have said “It’s not you, it’s me.” Or “I need to find myself”. In fact he said “Can we just be friends.” All are ways of trying to say the spark has gone for him, or indeed that he’s found someone else but doesn’t want to hurt you by telling you so. He hasn’t behaved badly – although a more mature and brave and experienced man might have brought an end to the relationship a week or so earlier, when you realised something was wrong. But he’s done it now and not committed the all time crime of hanging on when the thing was really dead, and then ending it in a blazing row that really hurt you, as so many people do.

Lick your wounds, accept it wasn’t anything you did wrong or anything wrong with you that led to this. Relationships can fade and that’s a fact of life. Tell your family and friends you’re feeling blue and get them to take you out and cheer you up. Have a weep, mourn the end and stay friends if you can bear it. But don’t be tempted to go back – this one has run its course. There will be others, I promise. Good luck!