condom discovery

Posted on September 13, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

To my horror, I just found two condoms in our home – let’s put it this way, I had a hysterectomy 4 years ago….. The expiration date on the individual Trojan packages is embossed as 7/2009 and the # embossed next to it is : 1064TQ. The other numbers printed on the side are: 9012223 and FL 99750-09. How can I tell when these were manufactured? Basically, I’m just needing to know approximately when these puppies might have been manufactured/purchased?

I can’t tell you from that information when they were made or bought and I don’t think that’s the point anyway. The best person to ask is the person you think or fear might have brought them into the house – I assume, your partner. Clearly you suspect he might be being unfaithful. If you don’t trust him surely sooner rather than later is the time to talk to him about this.

But before you do, consider the scenarios that could explain this. The obvious one is that he bought them to use with another woman. In which case he’s not very good at this infidelity thing if he’s left them somewhere for you to find. Maybe he wanted you to find them so you’d be the one to bring it out into the open rather than he. If you’ve been searching his pockets or drawers then you already have doubts about him, in which case finding ‘proof’ is really a moot point.

Of course, he could have got them some years ago, soon after you had your hysterectomy. Men quite commonly feel vulnerable and at ill at ease after such an operation, fearing they were somehow at fault and their body fluids somehow destructive. Or, they fantasise that whatever condition lead to your needing the operation might be dangerous to them and that unprotected sex could be contaminating. He might have felt embarrassed and unable to talk with you about it but kept them anyway.

If you have teenage children – male or female – in the house you may consider whether these actually belong to them. Kids can be sexually active long before you think they might – or should – and you may be missing something here. And, of course, kids play with condoms – blowing them up, filling them with water to drop out of windows – long before they may use them for sex.

So you need to ask yourself whether you feel you have cause for suspicion, or whether there could be alternative explanations. And then, you need to talk with him. No other course is going to allay your worries or help you sort this out. Good luck!

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my daughter won’t speak to me!

Posted on September 11, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I seperated from my wife last year and have 2 children, a daughter of 18 and a son of 16. I always had a difficult rapport with my daughter and since the break up my relationship with my daughter has deteriorated drastically. Whenever, I have tried talking to her we end up arguing. I feel that we would benefit from joint counselling and would be grateful if you yourself are avialable or if you could suggest somebody in the west london area. Thank you. Please help!

It’s a tough situation for both of you to be in and you may have to have plenty of patience and need to work very hard to make that link with her and help her get over what may be years of anger, disappointment and distrust. You’ve made the first step and I do hope you and your daughter can achieve some closeness soon.

Since I don’t live in London I’m going to have to pass you on to someone else but that’s not a problem. If you contact a therapist with the proper recognised qualifications who does have experience of separated family issues you will find the help you seek.

I hope your daughter does see your offer of joint counselling as a step forward. If her anger at present is so much that she rejects it, go on your own anyway. Often, I find myself helping a couple or a whole family even though I only interact with one member. The changes that person makes and the shifts in understanding they achieve translate back to affect not only their feelings and behaviour but the feelings and behaviour of everyone with whom they are in contact and conflict.

I suggest you contact Relate, who offer help to families during and after breakdown and to parents and children. Go to Relate and click on the ‘family life’ tab to find your nearest centre.

If there isn’t one near you, go to the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy site at British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy If you click on ‘find a therapist’ and enter your post code they can suggest a counsellor in your area, and you can look through each listing to find one with the relevant experience. Good luck!

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He works all the time and never spends any time with us.

Posted on August 25, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I am married for seven years and have 2 children. My husband is a good man. He’s easy-going and generous with his money but he works all the time and never spends any time with us. If he’s not at work, he’s asleep or out helping friends. He never does anything around the house. I resigned myself to be mother/father and handy-man years ago but my seven year old daughter is starting to get upset with him never playing with her or doing things for her. She got a swing-set for her birthday three months ago. I tried to put it up myself but couldn’t. She asks him on a daily basis to put it up for her but it’s still lying on the grass. Am I being unreasonable considering he works so hard, doesn’t have a temper, and rarely drinks?

So he’s out all day at work, doesn’t shout at or hit you or your daughter and doesn’t piss away his earnings. That qualifies him in being a Good Man? I beg to differ. Let me tell you what is the commonest causes of personal, relationship and marital difficulty; it’s encapsulated in one statement, so often spoken through tears or gritted teeth; “My father was never there for me”.

When your father shows you that work or friends are more important to him than you, it leaves children with a life long conviction that they don’t matter, that they have no value. It leads to crippling loss of self esteem, lack of confidence, lack of self worth. It leads to children growing up to be adults who gravitate to bad relationships often with men who display the same either selfish or dysfunctional behaviour. They fall into such a relationship because they feel they aren’t worth better, or because they convince themselves that if they can change him it may be the same as going back in time and making their own Dad love and notice them. I have suspicion that’s why you’ve fallen for and stick with this man; you had a Dad just like him.

Well, look at yourself. In spite of your protestations, are you happy with him? A man who thinks work and his mates are more important than his wife and daughter? Who will ignore repeated requests to simply do what any decent person sharing a house would and should do? To do what any decent father would do? I don’t think so. To be frank, the damage he is doing to you and your children is just as bad as if he got drunk and hit you. Subtle abuse by lack of love and attention is actually as harmful as out and out violence – it just leave scars less noticeable to the untrained eye.

So no, you’re not being unreasonable. He is – very unreasonable. Criminally so. Just as I suspect you had a Dad very like him, I would imagine he did too, and that’s why he behaves in this way. He hasn’t a good model of how to be a Dad. He’s damaged by his own upbringing and can’t bear to see the enormous pain and hurt he is causing and unable to see the equally enormous payoff he’d get if he did become a caring, sharing father. In many ways I feel terribly sorry for him – he is missing out on so much. And in many ways I can forgive the initial inability to function as a Dad – it wasn’t his fault. But while he may not have had a good model of being a father, that excuse only gets you so far. Once you are adult enough to realise what your behaviour is doing – and he’s had it pointed out to him sufficient times by both you and his daughter – it becomes his responsibility; no excuses.

What to do? Difficult because unless you’re prepared to demand a change and push it through, unless he is prepared to see and listen and change, you’re stuck. One way would be to emphasise the enormous benefit of being a Dad who is there for his kids. Do you know anyone like that, whose spends time with them and for them and in return is loved by them? If you do, get them to have a word to help your husband see what he is missing and how easy and pleasant it could be to make that change.

I think your daughter needs to be firmly told it isn’t her fault and Daddy doesn’t ignore her because she deserves it. Don’t protect him from her anger, either. Help her make her request loud and clear, and be able to express her disgust with him. Any child with a family member who acts like this may need extra help with self esteem and self worth issues, and you may like to ask the school or your GP if they have someone she can talk to.

One way of dealing with it would be simply to tell him to shape up or ship out. Some Dads do change when they are about to lose their kids, or do so. The damage a separation or divorce may do you and your kids seems to me to be less than the damage continuing to condone and allow his behaviour causes. Or, you could start paying for help around the house and hand him the bills. If he objects, tell him he does it or someone else does; his choice. And don’t wait; make an appointment with a builder or whatever and only cancel it when he completes the job. Often, people who refuse to pull their weight can do so because everyone else adjusts to take up the slack. Stop cooking his meals, washing his coffee cups, cleaning his shirts until he does his share. Bring that swing set in from the garden and leave it on his side of the bed.

But most of all I’d make an appointment with a Relate counsellor. Don’t cancel if he refuses to go with you, or if you do decide the only way to deal with this is call it a day. Go on your own because it will help. Best of luck!

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I caught him staring at her ass!

Posted on August 16, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

My boyfriend and I are dating for 4 years now. And he has this neighbor girl and a wife of his cousin. When we were just 2 years, I saw the girl flirting with my man. But I didn’t saw any reactions from him. I got jealous of it and I confronted my boyfriend about it and he said its not true. And now we are in our 4th years. This girl cheated with her husband and now she is not that sexy but she walks like flirting to every man who saw her and waving her ass and wearing fitting clothes that curve her ass and hers. And I had some suspicions that maybe my boyfriend will stare on it. Then I catch him on the hole in the kitchen and his outside staring on that ass. Then he saw me watching him and he go inside immeadeately feel guilty and see if i’m fine but I’m not and I slap him three times and he denied it. And I stood for what I had saw. And now he said like before that I am the only one he adored and love. But now I couldn’t hardly believe him. I feel this extremme jealousy and I can’t hardly bear it. I don’t know if to stare another’s ass is normal to every man or not. Please help me.

thanks in advance

Men stare at asses and women do too. And guess what – men stare at breasts and women at crotches. Are you telling me you have NEVER noticed another man, in passing or without meaning it even if you don’t do it much? If you say so, I think you’re either lying to me, or fooling yourself.

Staring means nothing. In fact, having stray thoughts about how much you appreciate what you’re staring at it is nothing either. What counts is what you DO about it. And as far as I can see, whatever this women does or says or thinks, your man has done nothing and intends doing nothing. The one with the problem seems to be you. Jealousy isn’t about the other person’s behaviour – that you feel jealous or how jealous you feel says nothing about your man’s fidelity. It says volumes about your self esteem and confidence, and the change you need to work on is improving those, not insisting your man keeps his eyes to the ground or lies to you. Yes of course he shouldn’t do things he knows hurt you, and you have every right to say calmly “Hey – I don’t like that.”. But unless he lears and makes a big deal of it deliberately to hurt you, just looking is pretty harmless.

Talk to him, not about what he is doing but how you are feeling, and ask yourself why you might be feeling so insecure and fragile. Discuss how you may work on that. There are two books i can recommend on the subject of jealousy, both available from amazon; Overcoming Jealousy by Windy Dryden and Jealousy (Overcoming Common Problems) by Paul Hauck. Good luck!

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her husband has left her

Posted on August 16, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
im looking for advice on a book i want to get for my sister in law. she has been as she thought happily married for 35 years and has reared 3 wonderful children, now all in their 30’s and she discovered that her husband has been having an affair for the past 5 years,.
he has now moved out and she is left alone and insecure, blaming herself and having a problem letting go of the past and moving on. im wondering if you could recommend a good book i could send her
thankyou

Poor you and poor her – what an awful thing to discover. And of course it will have been such a blow to her self confidence and esteem, leaving her feeling at fault and finding it so hard to move on. How lucky she is, however, in having a loving and supportive sister in law, and children who while still needing to love their Dad – because whatever he has done to her he is still their Dad – will stand by and boost her.

If she is your sister in law, btw, does that mean she is married to your brother or is the sister of your husband? Either way, it makes it hard that you or your husband might rightly still feel a tie to the offending man. It is important in such situations to recognise you can abhor the behaviour while still loving the person! You and those kids need to go on loving and seeing their dad, and the granddad of their own kids, whatever silly and hurtful behaviour he might have committed. Remind her that even if he has betrayed her over the last 5 years and now moved out, that does not negate the previous 30 years nor take away the happy times they had.

I do indeed have a book to suggest and it’s one I wrote myself. “Moving On – how to break up without breaking down” is available from amazon – follow the link on the Books page and do give it to her with my very best wishes. It’s a tough situation to be in, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, tell her.

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can i stop my 17 year old moving out?

Posted on August 16, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I have read your book YOU JUST DON’T LISTEN…it is marvellous, I am single mother, living on my own in this country with a 17 year old daughter which we have had a really bad arguments, now she has a boyfriend and wants to stay at his (he lives on his own) and I dont know what to do??

Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you’ve got that book because that makes helping you to help yourself and your daughter is that much easier! It seems to me that what you need to do is work on that relationship with your daughter. Because to be honest, there is little you can do about whether she goes or stays, unless it is by her consent. At 17 she can legally decide to have a sexual relationship. While she is still in your care until she is 18, you would find it well nigh impossible to get any legal ruling that makes her stay with you – and when she turns 18, she can choose where she lives or stays and that’s that.

Have another read of my book. One of the things I say is that you shouldn’t take much of what happens between you and a teenager personally. I know that feels difficult, but it’s true. All teenagers rebel against their parents – it’s actually an essential and natural part of learning to stand on your own two feet. This often leads to arguments because it’s so important to them to disagree and make their own choices. It feels like a direct attack on you but really it isn’t – whoever their parents are and whatever they do, kids will still shout “You aren’t the boss of me”, “I hate you” and “You can’t tell me what to do.” So you do need to take a deep breath and see much of what is going on as something you need to back peddle and look at again.

You do say two things to me that seem to suggest some of the reasons the two of you could be having such a difficult time at the moment. You say you live on your own. Whatever has happened to your daughter’s Dad, not having him around will be painful to her, especially at this time in her life. Teenage girls without dads often look elsewhere for male approval and male attention and this could be one reason fuelling her need to be with her boyfriend. You also talk about being “in this country” which makes me wonder if you have come from another area and thus might have different expectations in your own culture of how teenagers behave and what they should be doing. Whenever you both came here, your daughter might have taken on the ideas and expectations of her peers more than you have, and this might particularly lead to a gap between you.

If you look again at the book, I suggest quite a few ways of communicating with young people – of listening as well as talking with (not AT!) them. Respecting what she may be feeling and why she may be doing the things she is doing are the first steps in helping her hear, understand and respect your fears and anxieties. You could point out for a start that while you may be feeling angry and afraid and not be too keen on what she is doing, you would like to understand why she is making this choice. And you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that while you may not be happy about her behaviour, you love and value her and always will. Hearing what she has to say – and I do give tips in ‘You Just Don’t Listen’ on doing that – will give her the space to listen to you in return. Good luck!

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is she too young to see?

Posted on August 11, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
My 11 year-old daughter has recently completed sex education classes at school, and she has since asked me and my husband some questions about sex. Most are straightforward, although one of them has been rather awkward to deal with.

She said that her teacher explained what erections were, and that one of the booklets showed a basic drawing of one. They were also shown educational pictures and videos of men and women. However, she said that in the pictures and videos none of the mens’ penises looked erect. Now she is curious to see what an erect penis looks like and has asked me if she can see a picture of one, rather than a drawing (which she didn’t find helpful). I have discussed this with my husband and we’re not sure how to respond to her. She is mature for her age, and we are therefore comfortable with her request in principle, but it is important to us that the materials must be educational in nature so we could sit down and talk her through them. If this is an appropriate way of improving her sex education, can you recommend some educational pictures or videos?

Or would we be missing the point, i.e. is she too young to see an erection? If so, how do we explain this maturely to her? A concern we have is that she might somehow find a way to satisfy her curiosity by looking on the internet, and come across wholly unsuitable information. Her school has told me that their materials they use are limited by the curriculum, and they can’t help. We could really use your guidance!

Well, I do hope I can help! Think for a moment on the message that she would be getting if you said she was too young to see an erection depicted; that certain parts of the body are – what? – disgusting, alarming, taboo, only for really old people? Would you wonder whether she was too young to see a breast, a toe, a backside? We tell our young people so many things when we hide and go silent; more, in fact, than when we show or discuss. And one reason teenagers rush into early experimentation is that that’s often the only way they can get some answers to the many questions they burst to ask.

Keep in mind that Dutch teenagers, who do get an explicit sex education from their schools, not only are far more likely that ours to talk to parents, not only have one SEVENTH the pregnancy rate of ours but leave their first sexual experience to a year later than ours. Oh – and only 7.6% are overweight and 6% are binge drinkers compared to 15.8% and 27% of ours. Which is relevant because it reveals levels of self esteem and connection with parents.

You are to be heartily congratulated on the relationship you have forged with your daughter. Sadly, many youngsters with her curiosity and dilemma would bite a lip and never ever talk to parent. I can vividly remember having exactly the same curiosity at her age, and not dreaming of taking the question to my mother! You are also modelling the most admirable response, which is to say “I don’t know – let me go find out.”

Sadly, I’m not sure if I can help you – not easily, at least. The justifiable concern over pornography and inappropriate material for young people has swung far too far the other way and virtually banned honest and clear depiction of such things. Which means, as you fear, young people are actually far more likely to end up seeing inappropriate literature because there seems to be no midway between the cutesy line drawing, and the disgusting porn.

When I read your letter I immediately thought, and found on my own bookshelf, an excellent book published by The Royal Society of Medicine in 1986, called “Growing Up” by Dr James Docherty. With an introduction aimed at parents, it went into careful and sensitive detail about growth, reproduction and sex. There is a page containing photos showing the range of sizes and shapes of uncut and circumcised penises, and another showing the same range of erect and flaccid penises. The pictures are very, very far from being pornographic and so matter of fact and clear that neither are they alarming. The book also contained a page of photos showing the range of sizes and shapes of breasts, and one of vulva – particularly reassuring to girls who are finding their bodies are changing shape and worrying about it.

But the book is out of print, alas, driven out by our fears of such honesty. A mistake, I think. I have found it available secondhand on Amazon.co.uk, at Amazon and on abebooks.com, at Abebooks at a premium. If you can search on either of these pages or elsewhere and are prepared to find £20 to £30, you can show her what she has requested.

Certainly, I would do so for my 11 year old and be reassured that I was doing no harm and some good. The key is that she is coming to you, and that you are respecting her questions and herself and trying to respond responsibly. But I would note that she may well tell her friends and they may want to see, and their parents may not have either your sense or your good relationship. Perhaps discuss this with her, too!

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“I am young girl, age 15, turning 16 in aug”

Posted on August 4, 2006 by Suzie

There are so many things in your story that really, really worry me. I don’t think this is the place to discuss them.

IF you are at school you will have a tutor or teacher or someone attached to the school you can and should talk to. Do so, please, and tell them exactly what you have told me. If you’re missing school, you can go to The Site and find a service near to you that will have someone you can speak to.

If you are not at school at all I think you seriously need someone to speak with and I suggest you ask your own GP to recommend someone to talk to.

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can a six year old be ‘the boss’?

Posted on August 2, 2006 by Suzie

My daughter and her former partner share the parenting of their two
children, a girl aged six and a boy of two. When the children are
with their father, he tells the girl that she is ‘the boss’. As a
result, when she is with her mother she is difficult,
confrontational, and reluctant to do anything she is asked. How
should my daughter tackle this?

It’s more likely that she’s acting out her feelings about the situation as a whole than simply bringing home bossy habits. Having parents living apart is painful and difficult for children. Their anger, anxiety and guilt often comes out in tantrums or demands. “You’re the boss” may be her father’s way of dealing with this, and his own guilt about the situation, when she’s with him.

Co-parenting works best when kids see that Mum and Dad may no longer be partners but are forever parents, can set aside their own disagreements and put them first. Your daughter would find it helpful to arrange a meeting with her ex to talk over the way the situation and their behaviour might be affecting their kids, and how they can work together. A mediator (National Family Mediation 020 7383 5993 National Family Mediation would help.

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should i convert?

Posted on July 31, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i’m converting over to judaism i’ve all ways been some one thats needed faith in my life. I’m 15 years old an my father is jewish but my mother is not however my mothers side of the family has a lot of jewish blood. I lost faith in being roman catholic long ago an for a bit i did not care anymore about life. now time has greatly changed. Lucky for me this faith still rans through my vains. just worried about being accented my the jewish people. I’m a fairly shy person and I do not know as much as i would like to about judaism. however the little i do know i love cause i’ve seen how much wisdom is there which is something that I need at times like most people. my father an mother hate each other but my mother is more then happy for me to do this. what do you think is right for me?

You’re the only person who knows what is right for you. I always think it best to go with what really feels true. If you want to explore and develop your Jewish roots and learn more about the faith and the culture, then go for it.

It sounds as if it would help you in feeling more connected to both your father and your mother’s family, and perhaps in making a link too between your parents. I’m so sad to hear they don’t get on but your Mum is very wise in backing you up on something that does bond you with him. As long as you don’t go into this feeling it will give you “The Answer”, and give meaning and a solution to all your problems, because I don’t think anything does that.

What you might also do is ask both your parents to think carefully about how they treat each other and, as a consequence, you. Parents who split up finish their own relationship but should continue to be co-parents of their children. When they continue the fight they might have had towards the end of their relationship they not only hurt each other but they can devastate their kids. If they still hate each other maybe it’s time to make some effort to finish the argument and become friends, for your sake as well as theirs. It does occur to me that your need for a faith and a community is a way of saying you wish they would give you security, in no longer hating each other. Good luck!

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