I can’t talk dirty!

Posted on June 21, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I have a quite embarassing problem that I really want sorted…I can’t talk dirty! I really would like to do that with my husband as I feel he would enjoy dirty talking but I feel too embarassed to do so!! Could you help me overcome this pleeeease, it would mean so much!

Thanks in advance

Some people find talking dirty gives them a thrill. Some don’t so do clear with your husband first whether you’re worrying yourself over something that actually doesn’t ring any bells with him.

Talking dirty is really just about using language you do find embarrassing or difficult to give yourself a thrill. The excitement is in the fact that it feels rather naughty. So a good start is to ask him to tell you what he might like, or to describe what he is doing with you, and for him to lead the way.

Then, simply try describing what the two of you are doing, but use basic language to do so – instead of telling him “Oh, it’s lovely making love with you” say “I love….” …well, what do you want to say you’re doing?

If you need inspiration or vocabulary, go to your library or local book shop or amazon and find a super little book called Gallop Your Maggot: The Ultimate Book of Sexual Slang by Jeremy Holford. It might just help!

Posted in All Advice, Relationships, Sex | Comments Off on I can’t talk dirty!

Is it possible for exes to stay friends?

Posted on June 18, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I finished with my ex a few months ago and haven’t had much contact with him since. I occassionally talk to him on MSN and want to remain friends as I still care about him deeply. Yesterday though he asked me if we could get back together, which I said no to as I don’t think it would work. Our mutual friends say I should cut all contact with him, delete his number and block him on MSN so he can get over me, but I really hope we can stay friends so don’t want to do this. Is it possible for exes to stay friends? Should I just get on with life and pretend he never existed? He was my first love, I can’t let go of him that easily.

You can’t pretend a lover never existed. Whether it ended well or badly, quickly or over some time, with continuing hostility or friendship and kind thoughts, relationships stay with you for life. They are what make you who you are and how you are. Indeed, being unable to end with grace and self esteem can often make a relationship linger on and its effects hamper you from making new ones. And your first love occupies a really important niche. No, you can’t and shouldn’t pretend he never existed.

But you do need to move on –something he seems to be finding harder to do than you. You seem to recognize that there is a difference in being unable to let go, and in staying in contact. Staying friends can be a healthy sign that you have both faced up to your past and present and respect and care for each other. But it can so be a sign that you can’t move on or let go and are clinging to the safety of the relationship you know rather than risk a new one, even if it doesn’t actually do anything for you.

The healthiest option is to make it clear the couple aspect of this friendship is over. To tell him so plainly, and to tell yourself too. Say you’d like to remain friends but that is all it can be.

If he accepts this, you can tell your friends you don’t need to block him to set parameters for your continuing contact. If, that is, that’s true. Check out that he understands what you are saying and wanting and that he’s not seeing this as that fantasy of some men; “She says no when she means yes.”

If you can agree your relationship has moved on to a new basis you may find it remains as that, or you may find being upfront helps both of you gradually pull away from each other. Whatever, there is never any excuse for brutality in break ups, and it leads to unnecessary misunderstandings and more hurt for all of you. Thank your friends for their concern but do it your way.

Posted in All Advice, Relationships | Comments Off on Is it possible for exes to stay friends?

if he can’t be honest is our marriage over?

Posted on June 16, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I found out that my husband was having an affair over seven years ago and I managed to to give him a chance. But last yaer in march I desovered he was talking to another female all the time late at night, when i werent around etc and I even caught him saying that he loved her twice but when I confronted him he said it was just a good friend but I just find that hard to believe anyway I told him that if He cant be honest that our marriage is over if he talks or sees her again – he agreed he would never communicate with her again – now only last week I came across to fine he has been contacting her again – he still says there is nothing going on – but if there aint why hide it – why hide the telephone number against another name (male). I am so confused!! I know I dont trust him, but do I give him another chance – at the moment I cant bear him to touch me!! I have two small children 8 and 5 please help!! would it be wise to get some conselling! When I speak to him he doesnt talk and it seems to be only me doing the talkin – where did I go wrong!!

I wouldn’t say it is ever wrong to love and trust and give people second chances. I would say it is unforgivable to lie, to cheat, to break trust – especially when there are children involved.

Yes, I think it would be very wise to get some counselling. But don’t ask him if he “wants” to go, “would like” to go, “would he please” go. Tell him you are going and that’s that, and you’d like him to come too.

Counselling would give you the chance to work through what happened and how you feel about it. It would give you the chance to recognise and acknowledge how very angry, hurt and betrayed you feel, and how much you have the right to feel that. If he came, it would give him the chance to hear and take on board your anger and your hurt, in a safe environment where your feelings could be contained, and to understand and tell you why he did it. It would give both of you the chance to see if there is a resolution that both of you would be comfortable with.

If his recent affair is with the same person as it was 7 years ago, clearly you and he need tot thrash out where he’d rather be. If it’s with someone else (and maybe there have been other some ones during that 7 years) then maybe he has trouble with and fears about committing himself to a relationship and family and that’s what you may need to focus on.

He may be holding back from listening to you and putting his own feelings forward because he’s scared of being overwhelmed by your anger and pain. If he hears you, he has to really be aware of how awful you feel. While he insists ‘he didn’t mean it, it wasn’t important, she was just a friend and let’s not talk about it’ he can be in denial and pretend it was all innocent. When he has to listen to you, he has to recognise that it doesn’t matter what he felt was going on, it hurt you. And if you are in a relationship your partner comes first and having any level of intimate relationship is a betrayal.

If I were you I’d give him one more chance but only with these conditions; that he comes to a counsellor with you and both of you agree to talk and listen. If he won’t do that it would feel to me as if he’s made a decision, and is letting you know it pretty clearly; that he has already left this relationship in mind and is only hanging around in body because it’s the easy line. He stays with his kids, he has his shirts washed and his food cooked but his emotional and perhaps his sexual needs are being attended to by someone else. I don’t think that’s a constructive situation for you to accept, or a healthy atmosphere for children to be brought up in. It grids down your self esteem and it tells your children that having parents who never talk or love or touch is what marriage and family is all about. Work or walk is what I’d offer him, but you have to make up your own mind which of those you can live with.

Your own GP or Relate or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can suggest a counsellor in your area. Look in the local phone book for your nearest Realte centre or go to www.relate.org.uk . They also do phone counselling – call 08451 30 40 16 for an appointment. Ring BACP on 0870 443 5219 or write to, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to BACP.

And you may want some help with supporting your kids through this – they will be aware that all is to well. The first and best place for help with any parenting or family dilemma is Parentline Plus. Parentline is on 0808 800 2222 and it’s free, confidential and open 24 hours a day every day of the year. You can write to them at Unit 520, Highgate Studios, 53-79 Highgate Road, Kentish Town, London NW5 1TL or go to their website at Parentline Plus to read or download a range of helpful materials, or contact them by email. They offer a range of support from one to one phone counselling to phone conference calls with other parents and face to face courses. Good luck!

Posted in All Advice, Children, Family, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Sex | Comments Off on if he can’t be honest is our marriage over?

my new boyfriend refuses to tell anyone about us

Posted on June 14, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I finished with my boyfriend of 2 years 2 months ago and started seeing a guy I really like and have known since xmas. I have 2 problems…firstly my new boyfriend refuses to tell anyone about us, his friends, family, etc so much so that I am not allowed to tell mutual friends…should i be worried about this? I keep wondering if he’s hiding something from me, or is ashamed of me. Secondly 1 of my exes friends has asked me out for a drink to catch up (i haven’t seen him in over a year) but I’m not entirely sure his intentions are strictly “friend”ly. Should I go? I don’t fancy him but I’m worried it’ll hurt my ex who I still care about deeply if I do go.

You’re a person, not a parcel. This means that your ex didn’t own you when you were together and he certainly doesn’t have a claim on you now. If you’d like to see a mutual friend for a drink, that’s not an insult nor an attack on him; it has nothing to do with him.

And equally, since you’re not a parcel, just because this guy might have an agenda in his invitation you don’t want to agree with, you don’t have to. He can’t walk in, pick you up and claim you. You’re a person. You can say “Thanks for the drink but no thanks for the pass – I’m interested in being friends and nothing else.” Yes, go. Be yourself. Enjoy the drink and enjoy being someone people are interested in. do nothing you don’t want to do.

And since you are a person, demanding respect, consideration and trust from others, maybe it’s well past the time to ask your new boyfriend what on earth he thinks he’s playing at. In my experience, there is only one reason people refuse to tell their friends and family about a new boy or girlfriend. That is, that they feel ashamed.

Could be he feels ashamed of being with you – and shame on him for feeling like that. Maybe he’s recently dumped or been dumped and he can’t face up to telling people it’s happened and he’s out with someone else so soon. But more likely, it’s because they are two timing. His friends, your mutual friends and his family know full well there’s someone else around and he doesn’t want to be caught out.

Whatever and whichever, relationships thrive on honesty and truth and die with lies and deceit. What ever his reasons, if I were you I’d ask him what it’s all about and demand a change…of one sort or other. Good luck!

Posted in All Advice, Relationships, Self-Esteem | Comments Off on my new boyfriend refuses to tell anyone about us

mumps on her vagina!!

Posted on June 13, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i have a mate that has mumps on he vagina!! please help she doesnt no wot 2 do and dont want to tell her mum thanks again xx

Mumps or lumps? It doesn’t really matter; whatever your mate has, she needs to go to her doctors surgery AT ONCE.

It could be nothing, it could be serious, but whatever it is it’s not going to go away on its own. Leaving it might make it worse. Reassure her of four things.

One is that she can see the nurse instead of the doctor if she’s scared of seeing the doc.

Two is that whoever she sees, even if she’s under 16 she can make an appointment and go without her Mum, and they won’t ring or write home to say she’s been to the surgery without talking it over with her. It may remain something just between her and them.

Three is that she’s not going to get told off or made to do anything she doesn’t want to do.

And four is that if – IF – she needs an examination that would embarrass or scare her, she can have someone else in with her to hold her hand so she’s not alone with the doctor. You’re being such a good friend you could go along with her to give her some support.

Don’t let her suffer in silence – get her to see the only sensible thing to do is go for help!

Good luck!

Posted in All Advice | Comments Off on mumps on her vagina!!

arguments – a help or a short cut to marital hell?

Posted on June 4, 2006 by Suzie

Do you think arguments are an essential part of a relationship? My husband seems to feel having arguments is okay – he even says they help. But when I try to talk things over with him it either ends in a bruising row, or he says we should just forget it and let things go.

Differing points of view are essential – if you retain your individuality you’re bound to have different views, opinions and ideas and these bring interest to a relationship. I think a good relationship is one in which each partner feels able to put forward their own feelings and hear their partner’s. But conflict happens when people can’t or won’t give space for or take on board their partner’s viewpoint and that isn’t healthy.

I don’t think it helps to let things go – it’s far better to have a healthy discussion than suppress feelings or sweep things under the carpet. But you do need to argue about the thing that really have upset you, not the issue that has made you blow up. Arguments become a negative part of a relationship when they are circular, repetitive, destructive and when you’re not listening. Most of all, when you’re actually arguing about something else. For instance, when the row is about leaving the lid off the toothpaste but the real conflict is about the fact you think your partner doesn’t love you, respect you, listen to you or is cheating on you.

If you want to have a constructive discussion put your own point of view (say “I…” rather than “Everyone/one/your mother…”), explain your feelings about what is going on rather than getting bogged down in the details of the events, listen as much as you talk. It really helps to use the formula “When you…(be specific) I feel…(explore your underlying emotions) because…(explore why exactly you react like that) what I would like is…(brainstorm a real solution)”

When you do ague there are some things you should NEVER say; “…and another thing…”, “My mother/friends/ex said I should never have gone with you” “I’ve never had an orgasm with you” are three.

If you’re arguing and you can’t sort it out, don’t be embarrassed or too proud to ask for help. I’ve counselled couples who have been tearing each other apart for 20 years and it’s hard in such circumstances to put them back together again – and they certainly haven’t been able to deal with the real reasons for the conflict. In contrast, I’ve helped couples in the early stages of marital conflict and it’s been easy to unpack the reasons and help them gain the skills to manage themselves in future.

An honest discussion every day would help a happy marriage. I suspect we’re talking semantics here but I’d say a row a day is a short cut to marital hell and it’s rubbish to say it helps.

Posted in All Advice, Relationships, Self-Esteem | Comments Off on arguments – a help or a short cut to marital hell?

does he fancy me?

Posted on May 26, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i am 17 and work partime on a Saturday. I am bi also. A boy who works outside the place where i work, on a market stall, is very nice looking and i am attracted to him a great deal. I have talked to him before a number of times. Once i was walking from behind my counter and he was in the queue. I didn’t notice and found him looking at me when i turned.

Another time is when i made convo with him on my break. He was on his stall and i has walked past sed hiya and asked had he been busy today. He replied “Not that busy” with a smile. I began to walk on and turned back to find him still looking at me walking.

The other week i happened to go to the dentist in a different town to where i work, finding him leaning outside a fruit and veg store. I walked up to him and made more convo, and went to walk away he made more convo with me then so i stayed. He told me how he works here and on the stall on a Saturday.

I have a feeling that he is gay from the way he acts, he doesn’t look it at all but from the way he talks to me and the way he acts i think he mite be. Wel either gay or bi i dont think he’s straight. I decided to ask him out for drink the next time i was over there, so i made an effort to go and c him, we talked whilst he had no customers and in amongst the convo i asked did he fancy going for a drink sometime after work. He shook his head, he sed he don’t get home till late cos his stock has to go to the whole sellers so he don’t get home till late on any day even the weekend.

But the way he sed it was if he wanted to or would like to but afraid of what may happen if you get what i mean? What should i do?

Go on talking to him. Maybe he just wants to be friends, whether he’s straight, gay or bi. Maybe he’s gay or bi and fancies you but isn’t ‘out’ yet so doesn’t want to risk getting friendly with someone he fancies. Whatever, you’re building up a friendship through these meetings day by day so keep it up.

In a few weeks, ask him again, but make it specific. Instead of asking about a drink ‘sometime’, say “I’m going to such-and-such a place at such-and-such a time – be great if you can come too.” Leave it at that, and see if he comes. If he doesn’t, leave it a few weeks later and try again. If he didn’t come out when it was to meet you on your own, set up a night out with some friends and invite him to join you, making it clear it’s with other people too.

Give him the opportunities and if your instincts are right and he is keen, he’ll eventually take the bait. If he doesn’t, don’t take it personally. There are all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with you that might prevent him getting to know you better. He has to decide for himself whether he makes a move, or responds to your invitations, or not. Make the offer and see what happens. Good luck!

Posted in All Advice, Gay & Lesbian, Relationships | Comments Off on does he fancy me?

looking for her dad

Posted on May 26, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I have four children, the first of which is a sixteen year old girl, very mature for her age. I had her as a result of a brief and adulterous(and very stupid, selfish, etc) fling at the age of 20. This broke up my marriage, which with hindsight should never have happened at such a young age, and left me pregnant with my eldest. I have subsequently grown up, remarried and had the other three closely after my daughter.

I have always told her the truth about her parenting, never telling her any lies at all, and of course only giving her appropriate information for her age. She would like to meet her biological father, but I have no idea how to go about finding him, and also, as he wasn’t the nicest of people, I’m quite unsure what his reaction would be towards her, and I do not want her to be hurt by him. I have no problem with her seeing him, but I fear a negative response from him.

What should I do for the best? Also, my husband has brought her up since the age of six months and I don’t want to hurt him either!
Many thanks.

I’m sure she loves the man who has brought her up from babyhood, and thinks of him as her father. And that won’t change. But when she looks in the mirror, when she tries, as all teenagers try, to come to terms with “Who am I and what will I become?” she can’t help but wonder about the man who is her biological father.

I can tell you, from personal and professional experience, that children take on a startling amount of character and even physical aspects from non-biological carers. My own stepson has been told by friends who have met me or seen me on television that he’s very like me. This is why this curiosity and this search won’t break her link with her “real” father – the man who brought her up. But we also carry in us aspects from biological parents even if we never knew them – my own father left when I was 3 months old and yet apparently I have certain traits that are his. So of course she is curious, and of course she would like to see him.

Would helping her get in touch be problematical, for her or your husband? Her father might not have been the nicest of people to you – and may be the same to her. However, people can be dreadful partners but good parents. And people can also grow up and want to do better by those they had let down earlier in life. Whatever, she may need to make the journey even if it ends in a way that you’d find disappointing and he turns out to be the way you remembered him. She may not be as disappointed, if she at least has satisfied a natural need, to know.

The way to deal with this is for you, she and the father who has brought her up need to sit down and talk this over. Recognise and acknowledge the feelings sloshing around – her need to know, your fears of her being hurt, your husbands feelings of anxiety and hurt. Once you can discuss them they can be put into context and proportion. Then contact The Salvation Army Family Tracing Service, at Salvation Army They can trace her father and make the contact, and help all of you through the process in a way that makes it manageable for all of you. I can give you a personal recommendation – they are excellent and sensitive.

The real issue isn’t whether she will trace her father, it’s when and how. Sooner rather than later and with your support and help is best. Good luck!

Posted in All Advice, Children, Family, Relationships | Comments Off on looking for her dad

he steals from us

Posted on May 26, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

Help, I am at the end of my tether and ready to divorce my husband of 4 plus years. His 19 yr old son lives with us and constantly steals from us. My husband gives him no consequences, his worst to date was stealing $1,000 dollars from his employer. I am starting to hate them both, son for no conscience, husband for no clear action, I am finding both pathetic and it won’t be long before I throw both of them out.

It sounds like a really sad, difficult situation to be in and I can understand your anger. You do have my sympathy. But I do think you need to see it from your husband’s and his son’s point of view if your going to find a solution. Children don’t steal from their family simply because they want money to buy things. They steal for two reasons. One is they are trying to fill a gap in their lives. The other is that they are angry with and trying to punish the people they are stealing from.

In your short letter, I can see several reasons why this boy may feel tremendous loss, and tremendous anger. His original family, with his birth parents, no longer exists, whether because his mother has died or his parents split up. He no longer lives with his mother. He now lives with his father and a stepmother whom he may welcome, like and want to accept, but had no choice in the matter – and children as well as adults feel powerless and overwhelmed and a need to hit out when dramatic things happen in their lives over which they have no control.

He has issues that really, really need discussing but I suspect have been swept under the carpet. In effect, his stealing is a very loud demand for help…and what happens? His father ignores it, either out of guilt, fear or simply because he’s more focused on his own needs than his child’s. And you want to throw him out.

The boy has a conscience. What he doesn’t have is adults with an appreciation of his feelings and an insight into why he may be behaving this way. In my experience, bad behaviour is about bad feelings. Explore, understand and deal with the feelings and you will take away the reason for the behaviour.

I strongly suggest you and your husband ask for some support and help and some guidance in working with his son to address his issues, and yours. if you are in the UK, you could find a counsellor through your own GP. Or go to Relate. Look in the local phone book for your nearest centre or go to www.relate.org.uk . They also do phone counselling – call 08451 30 40 16 for an appointment. Or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to www.bacp.co.uk.

You might also like to contact Parentline Plus. Parentline is on 0808 800 2222 and it’s free, confidential and open 24 hours a day every day of the year. You can write to them at Unit 520, Highgate Studios, 53-79 Highgate Road, Kentish Town, London NW5 1TL or go to their website at www.parentlineplus.org.uk to read or download a range of helpful materials, or contact them by email. They offer a range of support from one to one phone counselling to phone conference calls with other parents and face to face courses – managing the after effects of family break up and the issues surrounding stepfamilies are themes they often tackle. If you are elsewhere, I suggest using the internet to seek counselling help in your own area. Good luck!

Posted in All Advice, Children, Family, Relationships | Comments Off on he steals from us

she has too many male friends

Posted on May 5, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I’ve been dating a women for the last year and a half, I’m 39 she’s 43. She’s putting pressure on to move in together and get married. The problem is I don’t trust her but love her so much.

The issue I have is that she maintains too many male friends. I’ve caught her several times sending sexual related emails back and forth. I told her previously that this is unacceptable..

What do I do?

Pressure and a lack of trust are not good foundations for a loving relationship. If you can’t trust her now, moving in together or getting married won’t change that. If she has to push you into committing to her, it doesn’t feel as if living together will give either of you much satisfaction.

What I’m not sure about, however, is exactly what is going on here. Is this a woman who is fooling around, refusing to give up relationships with other men and flirting with them in entirely inappropriate ways? Or is this a man who won’t commit, yet who wants to own his woman as if she were a possession and objects to friendship and light hearted banter. After all, men and women can be friends without it having to be sexual, even if they exchange emails. It all depends on what you mean by “sexual related”. Descriptions of nights of passion imagined or real? Jokes? If it’s the latter, then half the country is being unacceptable with the other half, as far as I can see! When you “told her previously that this is unacceptable” what did she say?

It sounds as if the two of you really need to sit down and talk through your anxieties and requirements, and come to some understanding of what the other wants, needs and feels. And I think you have to listen as much as you talk – telling someone what you think is unacceptable won’t get you anywhere unless you listen to and take on board what they feel. Good luck!

Posted in All Advice, Relationships, Sex | Comments Off on she has too many male friends