tearing my hair out

Posted on March 14, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I have a really embarressing problem, that I’ve been struggling with for 6 years now. Whenever I’m concentrating or my mind is on other things I pull out my hair. I have looked it up on the internet and know its called trichotillomania, and have been to the doctors but so far no-ones come up with an explanation as to why I do it or how I can stop. I have a large bald patch on my head about 10cm x 5 cm with a few tufts growing through where I’ve left it alone long enough to grow back. I really need to stop doing it, I’m so ashamed, I can’t have people touching my head and I hate people looking at me. Please help!

You say you’ve been to your doctors, but was this only looked at as a medical problem? As you may have realised, it’s a recognised reaction usually to unresolved issues – stress or loss or grief or anger or guilt or…I could go on. As such, the best support and help would be some sort of talking therapy – counselling or psychotherapy.

Did your doctor not offer you a referral? If they did and you recoiled, feeling it was an insult or that you could manage on your own, please be reassured that it was the right suggestion, and no reflection on you or your abilities. Difficult issues do often need professional support to put to rest. Be further reassured that if you went into therapy, the process would always be in your control. You may be scared in case it ran away with you and that deeply buried issues you don’t want to consider could burst out and overwhelm you. Well, your unconscious mind is giving you a pretty clear ‘heads up!’ that it wants this brought out in the open; not talking doesn’t mean it will go away.

If your doctor hadn’t suggested therapy, go back and ask for it. uncovering why you do this will help you deal with the underlying issues so the reason can be dispatched, and while you are doing so you may be able to work out some coping strategies to limit the behaviour until the reason for it is gone. If your doctor won’t help, contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy who can suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to www.bacp.co.uk. Good luck!

Posted in All Advice, Self-Esteem | Comments Off on tearing my hair out

She is so weak she won’t leave boyfriend for me

Posted on March 13, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I work with a stunning girl at my work place who has a boyfriend who treats her very badly. He controls her, shows her no affection, starts arguements at nothing and makes her miserable.

She’s very weak – her previous boyfriend was no better as he used to rape her. To escape the relationship she kissed his friend in front of him so he wouldn’t pester her after.

Her current boyfriend got with her by being a shoulder to cry on when she was down but as soon as he realised he was in full control he started treating her badly.

I have fallen in love with and she with me. At first i thought she had a crush or lust but after nearly a year her behaviour with me never changed and the way she looked at me proved it – she would stare at me smiling and gazing as i talked or held her!

I need help because she is so weak she won’t leave boyfriend for me. When we try to speak she doesn’t like it as she finds it hard to discuss her feelings and changes subject or makes me feel bad by saying I’m pressuring her! i wanna rescue her as everytime we have talked i have to say this is what i strongly believe your thinking and feeling……then later she will tell me while smiling what you said before is correct.

She as 2 joint accounts with her boyfriend, lent him £1000 for his car and she pays rent – i think this is a major factor in why she doesn’t want to leave him. She says she loves him but i said to her that she loves how he was in the beginning and once when she was speaking the truth not hiding things she told me i was right!

She strongly thinks he is cheating on her but she is going to Florida with him and his family – she even quit smoking to go as out there you can’t smoke. I know she needs the break plus I think she as paid for it as he has been off work for a while – it’s a holiday she might not get chance to go on for while if she doesn’t go as with him as he has made her loose all her friends.

I know that i must carry on trying to win her over as she loves me very deeply as do i her, and i have said I’ll always be there for her. What can i do to help her more or should i carry on?

Oh dear! This does sound sad and difficult and I feel for you. But I’m not so sure i agree with your take on what is going on or why your girlfriend is behaving the way she is. Weak may not be the description I’d use for her. She has choices – we all have choices – she just elects not to make them. Or rather, to make her choices the ones you don’t like but she appears perfectly comfortable with.

She chose to leave her previous boyfriend – but did it by setting him up to storm off and leave her. She chooses to give up smoking – a difficult act and one that needs grit and stamina – in order to have a holiday with someone she tells you she doesn’t want to be with. She seems to have plenty of time to be with you, in spite of telling you this boyfriend controls her. Have you wondered why she makes a habit of choosing men who misuse her, and boyfriends on the side who rescue her?

Before you rush in like a superhero, I would suggest you wonder who is controlling who in this scenario, and whether the lady in distress is a needy as you think. She knows you are there. She knows she has you hook, line and sinker – her rescuer, desperate to save her and look after her. Why would she put up with a man who mistreats her, is unfaithful to her, robs her unless it actually suits her in some way?

Now – it may suit her because her self esteem is so low that she feels she doesn’t deserve any better, and that’s why she keeps choosing men who muck her around. But to be frank, from what you’ve said I’m not so sure. None of the reasons you give hold water in any way – they are excuses or rationalisations for someone who doesn’t want to shift.

My advice would be simple. You’ve been her bit on the side for a year (you can hardly object to her boyfriend being unfaithful when she is too!) – that’s long enough for anyone to make up her mind. What does she value – a loving, kind and faithful man or a holiday? If she wants to leave, she needs to leave now. And that’s that.

But if she does, beware you don’t discover the truth of the old saying “If you get what you asked for, you may live to regret it.” I’d wonder how soon before some other poor sap was hearing “My boyfriend treats me badly. He controls me, shows me no affection, starts arguments at nothing and makes me miserable!” Good luck!

Posted in All Advice, Relationships, Self-Esteem | Comments Off on She is so weak she won’t leave boyfriend for me

My daughter wants to live with me

Posted on March 13, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

My 6.5 yr old daughter rang ChildLine a few weeks ago in desperation because of the physical and emotional abuse she suffers whilst with her mother. It has culminated recently with the involvement of the police and social services.

I had a visit recently from the Social Services. My daughter wants to live with me and this is being dealt with in the courts. I have applied for residence. I already have her living with me for 50% of the year as I am at home every day. I cannot work.

When the Social Services visited her in her mother’s home recently as a result of a doctor reporting a finger mark bruise on her arm, which my daughter alleged her mother caused because she was hit whilst on the toilet for too long and not in bed, she retracted all the allegations she has consistently made for 3 years despite my having photographic evidence of physical injuries, some signed by a doctor.

She says that she was frightened she might get hit by her mother if she ‘shopped’ her mother whilst she was still in her home when she was interviewed.

The Social services now say, that as she says she is happy with her mother then there cannot be a problem and yet I have diarised for 3 years (as advised by my lawyer) over 300 pages of complaints from my daughter with photographic evidence.

What should I do?

My difficulty is that I only hear one side of the story, and a small part of it at that, and the two letters you sent differed slightly which left me a bit confused.

I’d be amazed and horrified if, in this day and age, social workers were not aware that asking a child in front of a parent if that parent abused them was hardly likely to elicit a truthful answer. I’d be amazed and horrified if police, who now take domestic violence seriously and child abuse very seriously, were prepared to back down when there is evidence and back up from a doctor. And I would be equally amazed and horrified for a social worker to maintain that a child did not need the ongoing presence of a father in their life if other men were there to take his place. But I know even professionals can be operating on old ideas and be fallible and maybe you have fallen through so many holes in the system. All very odd.

You say you are pursuing residency and I take by that that you do have Parental Responsibility – that should certainly be significant and authorities deciding what to do about your child should be taking your views into account. While most courts will still award main residency to a mother when children are young, I would expect most to take notice of the child’s expressed wishes, and certainly to listen to medical and police evidence of abuse. In many cases, joint residency is awarded and that would mean you had equal say in what happens.

On the whole, courts prefer couples decide between themselves what arrangements are made about contact and residency – have you suggested mediation so that you and your ex could come to some agreement between you? National Family Mediation can tell you of your nearest centre. Call them on 0117 904 2825 or go to www.nfm.u-net.com . For north of the border, Family Mediation Scotland 18 York Place, Edinburgh EH1 3EP, on 0131 558 9898 www.familymediationscotland.org.uk

While your daughter needs to retain contact with you, she also needs to retain contact with her mother and if what is going on is that you are trying to remove her from that, and are antagonistic to her building a relationship with your exes new partner, that may count against you.

All I can say is that there is something very wrong going on here, either in the action of the authorities or in what you have told me, or presented to them. You say you have evidence of abuse, have been in touch with the Police and you have a lawyer. Those would be the three suggestions I would make and I’m at a loss, given the picture you paint, why nothing is being done.

If you really do have evidence and the support of a doctor, I would have said your best bet was to contact the Police directly and ask to speak with whoever in your local force specializes in child abuse and if possible have your lawyer in attendance. A lawyer who is a member of Solicitors Family Law Association, now called Resolution – first for family law would be best – they encourage mediation and agreement rather than confrontation and are most experienced in family disputes and law. If you are happy with your lawyer, fine, but if you want to find another, write to P.O. Box 302, Orpington, Kent BR6 8QX with a stamped addressed envelope, or phone 01689 820272 or go to www.sfla.org.uk

I also do suggest you contact Fathers Direct who have a wealth of experience in supporting men in their parenting – those are NOT the guys up cranes in silly costumes, by the way! Their website is at www.fathersdirect.com Good luck.

Posted in All Advice, Children, Family | Comments Off on My daughter wants to live with me

lesbian fantasies

Posted on March 9, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, Hey I’m 19, female, in a loving heterosexual reslationship, but I keep having homosexual thoughts and fantasies. I regularly dream about other women, but I don’t know if this means I’m bisexual or not. I can’t imagine ever being with a woman in real life, but I’m still confused. Is this normal?

It’s entirely normal to have homosexual fantasies and thoughts, even when you are 100% straight. Fantasies are not about real life – they are a way of trying out certain things and trying on certain personas, especially ones that seem taboo.

In fantasies, we often dabble with things we expressly wouldn’t like to genuinely experience. Other common fantasies are of rape, of sex with strangers, of public exposure – events that would horrify and even traumatise us in the real world. The point is that in fantasies we are actually in control of exactly what happens, and that gives us the safety to imagine things that would in reality be quite out of our hands. It’s the frisson of danger, powerlessness and disgust that gives us a sexual thrill, mainly because it’s so in our hands while being in our dreams.

So – rest assured that what you are experiencing is normal and natural and very common and has no reflection on what you’d actually wish to do. If you want to read more about this, have a look at the books page on this site – I have written about sexual fantasies in Pandora’s Book of Sexual Fantasies and you may find that helpful.

Posted in All Advice, Gay & Lesbian, Relationships, Sex | Comments Off on lesbian fantasies

should i ask him out?

Posted on March 9, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I recently met a guy at my sports centre who I am really attracted to and he seems like a really nice guy. I really want to ask him out for a drink but I don’t have the confidence to incase I get knocked back. I have very low self-esteem and can’t imagine how he’d want to be with me, and I can’t risk losing him as a friend. I also have the problem of already having a boyfriend – our relationship has always been very on/off and we had a serious row a few nights ago and I’ve given him one last chance because I do care for him, but I don’t know whether me liking this other guy shows that I shouldn’t be with my boyfriend. I’m so confused!!!!!

Liking someone else doesn’t always mean you hadn’t be with your present partner. Having someone, being in love with someone, doesn’t make you immune to the charms of others. But if it’s a good relationship, you look and don’t touch because you don’t want to be unfaithful and you don’t want to ruin a good thing. In your case, I’m not so sure it’s a good thing!

An on/off relationship that suffers rows, in which you issue ultimatums sounds unpleasant. You say you care for him, but does he care for you? A loving, caring partner helps you raise your self esteem, not lower it. But in the end, your self esteem and what you do about it is your own responsibility and maybe you ought to be thinking about looking at that. Have a look at my books page; I recommend Loving Yourself, Loving Another: The Importance of Self-esteem for Successful Relationships (Relate Guides) by Julia Cole and you might like to get hold of that.

As for this new guy – well, suggesting the two of you go get a coffee or a drink and have a chance to get to know each other isn’t exactly a declaration of undying love! Why would he knock you back, unless he already has a date. If he says no, don’t take it personally – he may well have other things he has to go do. but I would imagine he’ll say yes and be delighted – it’s tough being a guy and having always to be the one to ask the questions!

If you look at your own self esteem, think about your relationship and wehther it is good for you or whether it needs some work, and just have a drink with the guy…you may then find you know which way you want to go. Good luck!

Posted in All Advice, Relationships, Self-Esteem | Comments Off on should i ask him out?

Bi Curious

Posted on March 9, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I am a 46 year old divorced woman who is divorced. I have been Bi Curious for a while now but recenty I have had more feelings about it. I have chated online to women who have aasked me to meet them but I’m scared. I have kissed a woaman before but that is all. I’m scared to meet anyone for the chat rooms because they don’t know I’m disabled and I don’t think they’d like me when they found out. I have incontanence problems too and that is what is more embarressing to talk about to other women because they all seem to talk about loving oral sex. Can you help me with my problem please?

You may be right in having concerns about being stereotyped when people see you; as it’s often said, they see the wheelchair and not the person in it. Many people, however, don’t have such blinkers and I think you should always give them a chance to show they can rise above such foolishness.

The big advantage of getting to know people online is that you all have the chance to meet and get to know the person under the surface before letting ‘the meat’ intrude. If you are concerned about your disability, I would arrange a meeting and then mail “BTW; I do need to tell you beforehand that…..(and explain about your disability and what it means.) Are you still okay? Let me down gently if you don’t think you can handle this.” That gives them the opportunity to think it over and come back to you, keeping both your dignity intact. My bet is that most women will reply “Thanks for your honesty but I want to meet the person I’ve got to know –your appearance is not the point.”

Some women may find the idea of incontinence problems a turn off, some may see it as something you manage when it’s with someone you feel strongly about…and some may even see it as a sexual addition. You should also make it clear that this is a new departure for you – again, most women looking for partners would be only too glad to be sensitive and understanding with a newbie and make allowances for last minute shyness or uncertainty.

As for meeting people you know online in the real world – please adhere to the common-sense guidelines on this; don’t give landline numbers or home addresses at first, always meet in a public place, don’t accept an invitation to travel to or from your home with the person at first, don’t go back to their home or invite them to yours until you feel safe, always let someone you trust know what you are doing and where you are going and let the person you are meeting know you have done this. Good luck and enjoy!

Posted in All Advice, Gay & Lesbian, Relationships, Self-Esteem | Comments Off on Bi Curious

how can i help my sister?

Posted on March 9, 2006 by Suzie

I need your help to help my sister. The problem is that she is a psychologist herself – So, she thinks she knows it all and doesn’t see that she has any problems in her thinking, or how she responds to people, especially those close to her. She has had to deal with many issues growing up, including step families, being the oldest sister of three and sexual abuse. These are affecting her even now that she is in her late 40’s.

I have been the one person in her life whom has tried to make up for her emotional losses and always supported her since I can remember (from age 6 or 7 – and I am 6 years younger). I know she is aware of her problems, and we have discussed these to certain extent – but she doesn’t know what to change and how to change (i.e. practical steps), while refusing to accept she needs specialist help to do so. Her views and how she deals with issues in her life (such as discipline) has meant that her family is mostly a dysfunctional one, as every time I have seen her, they are shouting and fighting – and she is the butt of jokes to every one I know – here is a psychologist who needs help herself.

Our relationship is on egg shells all the time (in the past 20 years) as there are always a word, an action or something that brings us back to issues of contention. But I have continued to support her when ever and where ever I could. I have lent her many hundreds of pounds (even though I needed it myself), which I never get back. I have helped her practically, intellectually and emotionally. I have even turned a blind eye when I found out she had made a pass to my husband (when her marriage had broken down). In fact our relationship seems one way, where whenever I needed help – I have found her in more need than myself. But now I have got to a stage that I think that I really can’t help her – and I have realised that I am not prepared to help her or be there for her if she is not prepared to help herself. She says that I should love her unconditionally as she is – but I say though love is what she needs – and not more crutches.

I would like to ask if you would be prepared to visit her (similar to your program Stepfamilies), but privately, as I believe this is the only way that she and her family can see what they are doing and really get out of their habits that is ruining their lives and those close to them.

Cost is an issue, but I am prepared to borrow, as this is seriously the last thing I am going to do for her.

I’m going to have to say no to your suggestion about being the one to help your sister, for several reasons. One is practicality and cost; I could really only work in the way I did on the Stepfamilies programme with a tv company behind me. I spent something like 30 hours in a very short, very intense period, with each family – a long weekend to begin with, another a fortnight later, and then a day to finish a fortnight after that (in some families I also had an extra day somewhere during the process). We’re talking travel costs, B&B costs as well as my own time. And the issue is for it to work in such a short and overwhelming period, everyone in the family has to be on board. If you saw the fourth programme in the series you would have seen what happens if one key person simply doesn’t want to know; ie bugger all!

Your sister could well get help from someone local to her, and if her partner were the one to ask for help initially, the fact that she was reluctant at first would be less important. I’ve seen many families where one person resisted but as the others worked and made changes, the reluctant one got drawn in.

It’s really interesting that you say your sister is a psychologist herself and so doesn’t think she has any problems. When I did my training, it was a running joke that most of us took our new found skills and ideas home and practised them on our own families and either came back energised, or came back in tatters! In a sense, you have two choices when you get involved in such a profession; you walk the talk and take the consequences, or you separate work and personal life and refuse to see the join. Me – I took the stuff home and while it caused mayhem at first, it made me and my family immeasurably better.

But I had to learn a few things about how you use such insight and experience and number one is never offering it to people who don’t want it. And you take responsibility for yourself, but not for others; that’s their business.

I can’t comment on your sister and her family, your sister and her professional skills, your sister and her own needs. I can comment on your responsibilities and needs and boundaries. Like all siblings, you have grown up with a flexible idea of the boundary between you – and I note, boundaries and their being broken would have been a big issue in your family. She is older than you but you seem to feel you should look after her, or are beholden to her. Because she took the brunt of the abuse and protected you and you feel, or were told by her, you owe her?

She probably went into her profession looking for the healing and control she needed as a result of her childhood experiences. Maybe she found it, maybe she didn’t. But in a sense, you have always given her a reason NOT to look for a new relationship with you because you have always taken the position of the one to take control, take the responsibility between you. Lending her money and not getting it back is very kind. It’s also very controlling and very disenabling – she has no incentive to grow up and take the reins herself from you because you endlessly give her the opportunity not to need to.

You may feel she needs counselling herself. I may agree. But unless she agrees, nothing is going to happen. But as long as you function as her safety net, she never needs to. My advice would be to tell her you love her unconditionally, but that you are going to stop supporting her unconditionally – and thus actually holding her back in holding her up. No more money, no more support except to say “Seek professional help.” As I said, sensible counsellors walk the talk – we’re not afraid to say when we need support and seek it and we don’t see needing outside support a reflection on our skills. On the contrary, it’s an assertion of the need and the value of such help. I have, I do.

One last thing you can do for her is buy her my book Stepfamilies – surviving and thriving in a new family (pub Simon and Schuster – see the books page on this site). Give it to her saying you feel it might help…and then leave her alone except for giving her sisterly love and sisterly company. You’re not her therapist, not her mother, not her partner so stop functioning as one. Once you let go, she may take up the torch and start doing something for herself. Good luck!

Posted in All Advice, Family, Self-Esteem | Comments Off on how can i help my sister?

are you that Suzie?

Posted on March 3, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

This might seem a bit odd, but do you have a brother called Kif? If so, you might remember me way back when in the early 80s when I went out with him for a short period. I might have got this totally wrong, but I do remember his sister working in mental health at the time, in cambridge?

Anyway, slightly weird enquiry, I know. But one never forgets ones early loves!

If you are the same Suzie, I do hope you and your family are well, if not, never mind! I do admire you work and wish you all the best.

Thank you for those kind words – and I wish i could say it’s me and could put you in touch with that early love; yes, you never forget them! But sadly, although I have a cousin called Kifi, I have no brothers at all. And while I did attend college in Cambridge, I’ve never worked in mental health there. So no – sorry, it must be my doppleganger; I seem to have a few of them around! Maybe that Suzie will read this and get in touch and I can effect a reunion! All the best

Posted in All Advice, Family, General, Relationships | Comments Off on are you that Suzie?

i dont want to hurt his feelings

Posted on February 28, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
There is this boy i like, but his best friend likes me. i like his best friend but not in that way in a friend way. and this boy i like, is the one i want to go out with! but i dont want to hurt his friends feelings ?what should i do? please help!

Being nice, and tactful and kind, is very important. There’s never any excuse for hurting people’s feelings. So bluntly telling the boy who likes you that you won’t go out with him, turning your back and swanning off with his mate would be rude and cruel.

But you’re not put on this earth to please other people. Going out with someone simply because they like you is not a good reason to date. So make it very clear to him that you like this boy as a friend. In fact, make a point of saying to him “I really like being friends with you.” You may well find being friends with him outlasts being a date with the other boy! And you may also find that the longer you know him, your feelings may change.

I’m always in favour of honesty – of being upfront and clear about what you feel, what you want and what you like. But don’t confuse that with being nasty or unkind. Ask the boy you like out, and ask the other boy to be a mate. Or – keep them both as mates and look outside this little triangle for a boyfriend – there are plenty more fish in the sea! Good luck!

Posted in All Advice, Relationships | Comments Off on i dont want to hurt his feelings

will he be faithful?

Posted on February 25, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I’ve been going out with my bf for 2 years now, but I still can’t fully trust him. Before I met him I was a virgin and I’ve never cheated on him, but I know that he has had a lot of previous partners and cheated on 1 of his gf’s with 6 other people. I know he loves me but I cant help thinking if he could do it to her why couldn’t he do it to me? Am i just being paranoid?? I’ve spoken to him about it and he says its different with me but theres always that doubt. Please help me!!

Well, apart from anything else I dearly hope you’re using a barrier method of contraception! You shouldn’t touch this guy with anything less than a condom in place, and plenty of spermicidal cream in you unless he can show you a medical report proving he’s free from HIV and anything else, AND you know he’s been faithful for at least 6 months since he had those tests. And if that being the first thing I thought to say about your dilemma shocks you I’m sorry, but it may make a point.

That he’s had previous partner’s isn’t the worry – plenty of people have rich and varied sexual histories before settling down with the person they love. And plenty of people can be serial monogamous – not chaste in their lives, but faithful to each partner. What alarms me is the fact that he was unfaithful at least once to your certain knowledge…and with so many people.

Maybe he does love you – you don’t have to be a virgin to be loving and true. But I might worry that his particular, personal moral code says that he can be in love…and still have sex with other women. You say you’ve spoken with him about this, which is a good start. I can’t tell you whether you are being paranoid or responding to clues that make your doubts reasonable – only you can decide about that. But it might help if the two of you had the opportunity to thrash this out with an objective professional.

Make an appointment with a counsellor. You could find one via your own GP, or from Relate. Look in the local phone book for your nearest centre or go to www.relate.org.uk . They also do phone counselling – call 08451 30 40 16 for an appointment. Or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to www.bacp.co.uk. Good luck!

Posted in All Advice, Relationships, Sex | Comments Off on will he be faithful?