Suzie Hayman: Agony Aunt

I’m divorced and I want our child to go on seeing his father and grandparents but I’ve had arguments in the past with them because they all smoke like chimneys. Also, when my son does anything his grandparents don’t like they shout at him and smack him – and being a normally boisterous and curious little boy they seem to do it a lot. I’ve explained we don’t smack and I’d like them to not smoke when he’s with them but they say in their house they’ll do as they please. Is the anything I can do?

You could insist that meetings in future be at your local Child Contact Centre. All centres operate a no smoking or smacking policy. If either object, point out you are not obstructing contact and are happy for them to see your son as often as agreed…but in circumstances you have decided are safe for him. If they change their policy in the future so may you.

A Child Contact Centre is a place where children whose parents live apart can spend time with them, and other agreed family members. Child Contact Centres are run by The National Association of Child Contact Centres and all of them are accredited and the staff and volunteers are fully trained. The idea is that families are either referred by a social worker, solicitor, mediator, CAFCASS or Court order. Or, at some centres, you can refer yourself. You apply by filling out a form which names the people who will be seeing the child, and then make arrangements for a visit. Child Contact Centres can offer three levels of support for separated families;

Contact;
Children can be taken to the centre, which is warm and friendly and will have toys and areas where children can play, and facilities for adults to have refreshment. The parent dropping off the children stays with them until the other parent arrives. They can handover seeing each other but if this is not acceptable neither need actually be face-to-face at any time. After hand-over, children can spend as long as agreed with the other parent and any relatives that have been named on the referral form. While there, parents agree to certain rules, for the safety of the child and to ensure the visit is fun and safe;

• No arguing in front of children, no abusive or aggressive behaviour.
• Only the people named to be there
• Children cannot simply be left – one parent has to hand over to the other, even if they don’t see each other face to face.
• No drink, drugs or smoking and no-one under the influence to be allowed into the centre
• The parent leaving a child must give a phone number where they can be reached.

Supervised Child Contact
When there are concerns about the risk to the child, or when parent and child have not seen each other for some time and may need help re-establishing a relationship, contact can be supervised. The child and adult are under observation at all times by a supervisor – a highly trained professional – with the support of another colleague. The visit will have a time limit, and reports will be kept to help the supervisor keep the child safe and support parents in managing the visit in the best interests of the child.

Handovers
Most Child Contact Centre will function as drop off point, where parents can go and play with their children while waiting for the other parent to collect a child for a planned visit, either for the day or longer. This is useful if for some reason one or other of the parents doesn’t want the other parent to visit their home. As with supported or supervised visits, parents do not have to see each other face-to-face.

Get in touch and find your nearest centre and set it up. Then you will know your child is getting the best of both worlds – seeing his other family but staying safe. And they may find it helps them see you’re right in what you ask and they may change their harmful behaviour.

My ex is the most selfish, immature man possible. I finally gave up on him and divorced him and I did hope he might grow up and treat his children right but he shows no signs of doing it. He’s late on visits, often cancels or changes the arrangements. My new husband is a total contrast – loving, caring, totally reliable. So why on earth does my son refuse to accept him? He idolises his father and it is like having an enemy soldier in the camp – he spends the whole time battling with my husband, who’s just bewildered by it all. He tries so hard and my son just throws it in his face.

The contrast may be what baffles your son so much. Children love their parents, come what may. But they can also be angry with them.

The problem for your son is that expressing the anger he might have for his father is very risky. The man has shown graphically what he does when things get uncomfortable – he leaves and avoids coming back. So your son’s negative feelings have to go somewhere and it sounds as if some of it doubles back on himself – he sounds both depressed and lacking in self worth – and the rest is dumped on his stepfather.

The best strategy is twofold. One would be to tell your ex that his behaviour, while understandable in that he’s avoiding pain and loss himself, is severely harming his son. If he needs help he should get it but since he’s the adult he should pull his socks up, stop only thinking of himself and think of the effect he is having on his boy.

The other strategy is to focus on your son’s behaviour as a way of expressing needs. He needs love, attention, affirmation. Give it to him, from both of you. Acknowledge, openly, how painful it must seem to him that his father lives away from him, how much he must miss him and how disappointed he must be when his father doesn’t see him as much as he’d like. Be positive and don’t criticise his father – your son is his representative and it may be that it’s criticism he has overheard that makes him take such a stand on his father’s behalf.

This may be trivial but it’s causing so much unhappiness in my house. My children take me for granted but i don’t know what to do about it. I can’t get them to do chores. I just don’t have the time. I know it would lead to endless fights just getting them to do what I ask and if they did do them, they’d do them so badly I’d just have follow round picking up the mess and doing them all over again. It all sounds very nice, but it isn’t realistic. I just wish i could make them do the, though!

Certainly, if you go into sharing the household tasks with a pessimistic, powerless attitude it’s likely to backfire. If you assume they’ll do it badly, if you follow on behind doing the things you’ve asked them to do, children have no incentive to fulfil their responsibilities. So let’s see how you can turn this around.

For a start, stop thinking of it as something you’re getting or asking them to do. What is happening is that all of you are going to have a discussion about what it takes to keep a home running and they are going to recognise you have enough on your plate and can’t do it all. They are going to see if they live here and expect their clothes to be cleaned, food to be put on the table, and for the health and safety offices not to charge in and condemn the house, some sharing out of chores needs to be done. It’s not an argument or a request – it’s a recognition of realities.

When you simply put it that this will be done – full stop, no argument…kids usually fall in. Especially if they understand how much you need their help and how much it will mean they can be relied on.

Secondly, start trusting them. Yes, it may take some time to work out and begin but the work is all in the setting up. After that, you gain so much time since you’re not doing it all.

Thirdly, you have to accept that some task swill not be done to your exacting standards – and so what? Get your priorities right; does it matter that the dusting is done so the house gleams all day and every day, or that you can sit down and share a coffee with your kids and chat because you don’t have to do it all?

But suggest all of you think about natural consequences. The natural consequence of your doing all the chores is that you are tired, resentful and not available to talk or play with them. The natural consequence of their doing a task badly is that you’re upset and that they don’t have a clean cup or a clean shirt for school. Once they begin to see that not doing what is required actually effects them, and you, then they will pull their weight. All it needs is for you keep faith in yourself and then, and hold the line.