He’s married. With children.

Posted on January 20, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I’ve just met a man at work, and we instantly got on well… we really enjoy each other’s company and there’s definitely mutual attraction.
But he’s married. With children.
The temptation is scaring me. I love our friendship and I can’t bear the thought of hurting his wife and children. (And I am sure from what he says that he loves his wife and kids) Also if I want a man who can be faithful to me I don’t want him to be unfaithful to someone else… But I’m also incredibly attracted to him and I enjoy his attraction to me even as I worry that he might be falling in love with me.

It seems that it’s going to end in heartbreak for someone – his friendship has made me so happy but I couldn’t ever forgive myself if I hurt his marriage and I’m scared it’s going to be hurt if we continue to work and spend time together. Do you have any advice for keeping our friendship “safe”? Would be much appreciated! Thanks.

Yup, I do.

Walk away NOW.

Tough? OK – but I get so many, so very many letters and mails from people who seem to think they sleepwalked, unknowingly, into an affair. The usual progression is “We really enjoy each other’s company and there’s definitely mutual attraction.” Then “I can’t resist him and he can’t resist me”, then “Oh dear, we’ve started an affair – we couldn’t help it.” usually followed by either “It’s three years on and he still won’t leave his wife” or “He’s thrown me over and I can’t understand it.”

There are plenty of people in the world with whom you can be friends. There are plenty of single men with whom you can have a relationship. Play with this situation and you, his wife and children are going to be hurt – and whatever you say it will be your responsibility, not fate. No-one starts an affair by accident or without knowing exactly what they’re doing. What they tend to do, however, is go into denial and fool themselves. They hide their selfishness behind a smokescreen of helplessness. Well, you’re still at the stage when you can pull back and act like an adult because the truth I that you’re perfectly capable of being in control.

You’re colleagues so go on being professional and polite. But stop playing this game and look elsewhere for friends and a lover.

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Was I right to call the cops on my sister?

Posted on January 20, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I could really use some advice on family issues. I have too kind of a heart and let my dad stay wth me after getting outta prison. he was supost to find a job and be out ASAP but it’s been two months now. I pay for everything and he has been letting my sister come in my house after repeadily being told not to. She has stole from me and tries to run over me aswell. I know she don’t mean it, but she is on drugs. She has nowhere else to go either. I am calling the cops today to have them keep an eye on my house. My sister has two felony warrents out for her and I think if they show up then they will either get her or they will scare her so she will stay away. I love my family, but I don’t like to be taken advantage of and she still wears my clothes. Is it wrong of me to call the cops? This morning I realized I had forgot to lock my car and could tell someone went through the console. I want to help famliy, but enough is enough right?

Yes, absolutely – enough is enough. Of course we want to support and help family but it’s a two way thing. If all they can do is abuse and use you, you do not have to accept it and you owe them nothing. NOTHING. And it’s their choice, not yours, that it has come to that.

If you want to show your Dad, and your sister, the sort of love that has any meaning, and that could help them, you can show them tough love. That means telling them that until they can behave with care and decency they are not welcome in your life. Show your Dad the door now, and don’t let him back. Change the locks and let your friends and family know what you have decided. Enough is enough, my dear – you really don’t deserve this sort of vile behaviour.

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Her old friend beat me

Posted on January 20, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i have a problem that is more to do with battling my mind. I wanted your help and advice. Recently, a friend of my wife came visiting from the US. she was a tall and much bigger than me. she was very friendly and would pull my leg and tease me. this increased over the days… and gradually she would twist my arm or pin me to the wall. she was a stronger and much bigger woman and i would just let it be, knowing well that if i resisted it would be some kinda friendly push and pull and i wouldnt like to be physically overpowered by a woman in front of my wife.

so i would smile and get on with life. all of us would laugh it off. gradually she realised she could push it further as i was taking it as a joke. she was a very good friend of my wife, so it was ok by her. one day, she began pushing me and i just pushed back and pushed her real hard. she fell down and that set her on me. she locked my head under her arms and threw me down. what followed was humiliating though to avoid that i kept smiling and laughing. so was my wife and her. i struggled but she kept me pinned down. she sat on me, bent my legs and folded me in an awkward position. i felt terrible as she kept laughing. i was kept in this position till i had to say ‘ i am a toyboy’ which i quickly said to avoid more humiliation. she kept up the humiliating punishment though. i didnt like being beaten up in wrestling in front of my wife by another woman but the truth was that i had been virtually toyed with by this stupid girl. it was insulting. i told her that afterwards before she left but she laughed it off. now often my wife jokes about it when we wre together… on how i was overpowered and beaten by a woman. i dont know how to approach this. the ego feels battered and i feel terrible when this is brought up. Suzie, can you please help and advise me!

The trick that bullies always use is to make their victims complicit and to believe what happens is their fault. You smiled and joked and in effect gave in to her manipulation of the situation. By the time it had got way out of hand, you’d gone so far down the road she had mapped out that you found it difficult to call a halt.

For future reference, when people “tease” you, don’t respond. Don’t play their game or get pulled in. If there is any sort of physical contact, pull away and say “No.” Don’t get drawn and don’t get manoeuvred.

Tell your wife you found her friend a bully and a prick teaser and what would she have preferred – that you had hauled back and given her a smack? This woman deliberately played on the fact that you wouldn’t hit her. Who’s been the abuser there – you or her? That doesn’t mean she beat you – it meant she played you. And only nasty bullies are that good at playing their victims.

Don’t feel humiliated. Be proud you didn’t crack and hit back, and feel sorry for her. People end up like that when they themselves have been horribly abused – by a parent or sibling, by a school friend or partner. They spread the misery around so as to get back some of the control they feel they lost. In a sense, she’s parcelled up her past misery and handed it to you – she thinks if you felt like she did, she’ll feel it less. But that’s an explanation, not an excuse. There was no excuse for how she behaved and no excuse for you to go on letting her have power over you.

A nasty business, frankly. And one your wife is now buying into. Does she want to be a bully too? How would she feel if a friend of yours came round and treated her in this casual, cruel, manipulative way – and you just laughed? Not very happy, I would think. It sounds to me as if this woman from her past came in all set to play power games over her old friend, and is still doing so. If your wife’s real relationship is with you and not a girl from her past, it’s time she started to remember that.

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My mum is cheating on my dad

Posted on January 20, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
My mum is cheating on my dad. This has been going on for months now, at least as far as I know. I’ve seen and read this I wish I hadn’t and I can’t stand the sight of her anymore. I wake up everyday and see her and I so angry. I can’t sleep and I have no one to talk to. I’m so lost and I don’t know what to do. I’m so close to going to her lovers house when she’s there and breaking down the door and confronting the both of them. I can believe she is such a selfish bitch. I hate her so much!

I am sorry to hear tis and I can understand how angry and upset you are feeling. You do have the right to say something to her – but let’s first explore what may be in your remit. I think you need to sort out a few things before doing anything – mainly, what’s your right to comment on and what’s not.

Adult’s behaviour and choices are theirs to decide upon and moderate as they see fit. You may want to tell your mother what you think of her but what she does in her private life is her choice, whatever you think of it. And, however much you may be sure you know what is going on, you may not have interpreted it correctly, or understood why she’s doing what she’s doing. If you tell her she’s a bitch, is cheating on your Dad and you hate her she may disarm you with a few chosen words; mainly, insisting that’s not what she meant to do at all. It’s always difficult to tell people what you think they are doing; they can so easily deny it.

But you do have every right to tell her what you’re feeling. After all, she can’t deny that. And I think you should for several reasons. You’re angry, upset and feel betrayed. I don’t think you hate her – what you feel is furious, raging hurt and vulnerability. And she needs to know that, and to realise how much her behaviour – whatever is actually going on and why – is affecting you. She needs to hear how you’re feeling – your pain, your resentment and your anxiety – and you need to give her the chance to do something about that.

Whether telling her what you feel leads to her changing her behaviour or not I don’t know. But I do think your having the chance to stop carrying around all this angst and pain on your own is vital. You say you have no-one to talk to. Nobody at all? Not a friend, not a relative, not a teacher you can trust? Look around you because I think when you recognise that you have the right to be cared for and supported, you’ll see that there are people who can be there for you and you deserve their help.

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My partner says he is depressed

Posted on January 20, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, to cut a long story short my partner of 26 years with whom i have 3 great kids, twin boys 19 years and 10 year old boy, sleeps all day gets up between 3 and 9 pm sometimes later smokes canabis and then goes bed has a terrible temper if some thing is said wrong or goes wrong he will smash anything in his way ie doors,cups,plates he is always miserable and says its because he is depressed but won’t see a doctor,i want to leave him but im not sure what he will do if he is depressed i couldn’t live with myself if he did anything stupid and the kids would blame me can you help

He’s the one who decides to be violent, to lie about all day and to smoke – not you. Maybe his behaviour is because he’s depressed, but not going for help is his choice. As it is, you may think you’re protecting your children from the pain of seeing your marriage break up but you’re not protecting them from having the most ghastly model of what marriages are all about – violence, selfishness and self abuse.

If I were you I would tell him that you can’t stand by and see your children given the very worst example of personal behaviour and relationship disintegration any more. He has one choice – to go and see his doctor to get help to clean up his act. He may be depressed in which case he needs and should accept treatment. He must stop smoking, keep to a proper routine, find work, stop the violence.

But tell him if he declines to help himself you and the children can no longer live with the consequences of his behaviour. And remind yourself that’s not your fault – it’s his choice.

Please, don’t go on putting up with this. Because if you do, in years to come it’s the fact that you left your children to suffer this as well as suffering it yourself that they won’t be able to forgive. Get help for yourself and for them too – ask your doctor about counselling or contact Talk To Frank.

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We had something special

Posted on January 20, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,my girlfriend and i have just broken up and we love each other to bits, we had something special. About 6 weeks ago we split up for a few weeks and in that time i started seeing someone else but always wanted to be back with my ex. Out of the blue my ex phoned for help and we met up, the love was still their and we got back together.I explained that i was seeing someone else but we only held hand but i was lieing so as not to upset my girlfriend, unfortunatly she goes to our local pub! My gilfriend ask so many question about this girl and couldn’t believe that we didn’t have sex, i continued to lie.My girlfriend wanted to go to the pub but i made excuses as she was up there and i didnt want anyone to say anything. This went on for about 2 weeks and i decided to come clean last week. My girlfriend was devastated and we split up. I’ve had e mail from her, saying how much she loves me but she will not have me back, im gutted. What do i do, i no i made a mistake?

Some mistake. You loved this girl so much that within days of splitting up from her – the girl you loved to bits – you were not only seeing but shagging someone else. And then you lied about it.

OK – lesson number one. Relationships at your age are on-off at the touch of a switch. If you break up and still have feelings for the other person and would like to get back together, wait. Don’t rush off and find someone else – wait for the dust to settle and see if you can give it another try.

Lesson number two. Don’t lie. Lies are death to relationships. The truth, however unpleasant, is always preferable because when you find your partner is prepared to lie, you can’t trust them about anything. And the one thing you have to have in any relationship that is going to work is trust.

And lesson number three – however hard you may want something, you can’t make the other person fall into line if they don’t want to.

It sounds as if your ex has decided your behaviour is beyond forgiving – and I don’t blame her. On the basis of what you’ve said, I wouldn’t trust you further than I could throw you. But I might come round if you demonstrated true remorse, that you meant it when you talked about this being “something special” and that you could be trusted. Tell her you’ll wait for her and that to show you mean it, you’re not going to go out with anyone else. If you can do that for longer than a few weeks, she might learn to trust you again. Me – I’d want at least a 6 month trail to show good faith! If you think it’s too hard or unreasonable…well, that’s up to you.

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My friend bullies me

Posted on January 20, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
i know u may hear this all the time from teenage girls, but this bully is driving me crazy. At times she’s lovely and acts like a really great friend, but then it switches and she makes remarks and disaproving faces when she doesnt agree. If i do anything, she has a go at me and interrogates me, making me feel under pressure. Shes an only child and used to being the centre of attention but this two-faceness has been goin on since we were 11, 3 years ago now. I’ve known her all my life, but how can i stop her making my life so hard? i’ve tried talking about it and making new friends which does work, but how can i get the lovely girl instead of the spoilt jealous one? Please help, because none of our other friends seem to notice how much she manipulates me.

There is no “lovely girl” or “spoilt jealous one”. There is a human being who mostly feels lovely and acts nicely, and who sometimes feels jealous or needy or hurt or confused and then acts unpleasantly. As do we all! Perhaps the difference with your friend is that, being an only child she is used to being the centre of attention, and demands and expects it. But that’s no reason for you to dance to that tune.

The truth is that people can’t manipulate you unless you let them. People can’t push you around and put you under pressure, unless you fall in with the game.

Want it to stop? So stop pulling when she pushes, pushing when she pulls. If she makes a face, shrug and say “Don’t agree? OK.” and leave it at that. If she has a go, ask her if she’s having a bad day, and back off. Tell her you’ll come back to chat when she’s feeling better, or ask her if she needs to talk about anything. Maybe she acts this way when she’s having a bad time elsewhere – at home or in the clasroom.

It’s more than possible that she does what she does without realising how unpleasant it is. Maybe she needs to learn from experience that when she acts in that way she won’t get what she wants. At present, you ‘reinforce’ her behaviour – by that I mean you show her that it always works. Stop letting it work and she’ll soon learn not to do it.

The only people who can take power from us are the ones we give power to. She doesn’t make your life so hard – you do, by taking what she says so seriously, by taking it personally and by reacting when she behaves this way. Take a deep breath and react positively to her nice behaviour rather than falling into line with her bad stuff.

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Get SMART!

Posted on January 19, 2008 by Suzie

In the past few months I\’ve reassessed my life & come to the colnclusion that I need to change, sort myself out & get on track for a better future.

I\’m 16 & earlier this year I took my GCSE\’s. Although my results were good, I always felt I could do better. However, I was accepted into Sixth Form & now I\’m currently doing 3 AS levels. Psychology, Sociology & Photography. Which, I am finding to be somewhat hard & due to distractions surrounding my social life & other problems, tend to leave homework & revision to the last minute. I know I can do well. I just feel that I need to sort myself out in order to do so.

I\’m an extremely unconfident person, I\’m overweight, have spots & I\’m generally unhappy because of this. I\’ve tried to lose weight hundreds of times using different diets, but they last a few days before I have a day of binging, & I\’m put right back at the start. Each week is the same. I have a gym membership, but I don\’t often have enough confidence to go.

I also have moles on my face which cause me a lot of upset, I used to be bullied a lot because of them, but not it\’s not about the bullying, it\’s that I generally would like to have them removed to boost my confidence. I would like to know how to go about that & whether or not I would have to pay for it..

The general issues are, my weight, my moles, my confidence & my lack of determination & motivation in terms of school work & weight loss.

I really only have a couple of friends, to whom I\’m very close to. & they are very supportive, but sometimes it\’s as if they don\’t really see my problems as that big. I used to self harm because of my low self esteem & family problems, however I overcame that problem a while ago & haven\’t yet reduced myself to that again, & frankly I don\’t plan to.

I know that there are a lot of problems I need to address, but in order to grow I need to help myself. I am writing to you to ask for any advice you can offer me, I am interested in, losing weight, getting healthier, having my moles removed, motivating myself into doing my school work better & boosting my confidence & gaining my self esteem & self respect back.

I appreciate your time & would be grateful for any advice you can offer.

The problem with targeting several areas of your life you’d like to change is that it feels insurmountable. All those disparate and complex issues you’d like to address – it’s like trying to pack a balloon into a matchbox. You cram one bit in and another pops out.

You have a superbly analytical mind and have admirably marshalled the aspects of your life you’d like to address. But suspect since you feel overwhelmed you can’t see how organised and controlled you already are, and could be. And you can’t see that the only way to change is to get SMART. SMART stands for;

Specific
Measured
Achievable
Realistic
Timed

You have only one specific aim in your list – getting your moles removed. So let’s start with that. Look at how many you have, their size, where they are, how they effect you. I can’t see you so I’m not sure what you mean; whether you’re talking small beauty spots or large brown disfigurements. I too have moles. My husband has always thought them cute – he once bought me a very expensive necklace specifically designed to highlight the one on my throat. I don’t think I liked that mole when I was a teen – I’d have hated to have missed out on that necklace!

You do need to consider whether an increase in self confidence may preclude the need for removal. What I’d suggest is having a talk with your doctor. At 16, you have it right to any discussion to be confidential. You could have them removed on the NHS if your doctor feels they are a medical risk or effect your psychological well-being. But it would help to talk them through with someone objective who might help you see whether having them removed would have a measurable and realistic result. After all, that some idiots bullied you saying it was because of your moles doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them only that they discovered a button to push that made you jump.

If you want to lose weight you have to apply the SMART rule to that too. choose exactly how much you’d like to use – be both specific and realistic. No point in wishing to be 6 stone which is both ridiculous and unachievable. Then look at how you can do it. Only one way – more calories out than in. Which means, not a stupid faddy diet but healthy eating and…yes, EXERCISE. Again, I don’t know what your gym is like. Mine is run by a total mensch (look it up!) who makes sure everyone feels included and safe. Members are all ages, all sizes, all sexes. If no-one is giving you hassle then you have no reason to feel embarrassed at your gym – saying you don’t have confidence is just an excuse to take the easy way out. So pull your socks up and get going. Enlist your family in a healthy eating pattern – it will make all of you feel better. And one slip doesn’t mean you can throw it all overboard – again, that’s just an excuse. But the main issue is that you have to make your goals SMART for you to able to keep to them.

The school work is the same, really. Make plans, get organised but don’t expect to be A+ immediate -it all takes time. If you’re taking two steps forward even if you get knocked back a pace you’re still advancing – and that’s what you need to do to feel in control.

You’re capable of it – I know you are. Enlist some support and help, from teachers, friends and family. But recognise you’re the one who can do it, and you’re the one who both should…and will.

Mail me again in six months time and let me now what progress you’re making. I won’t expect you to be two stone lighter, three marathons fitter or top of the class. I will, however, anticipate that you’ll feel more confident, more in control and some way along towards your realistic goals. Best of luck!

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She’s my best friend!

Posted on January 19, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i am having truble with my best friend cause shes playing with the girl that i hate what should i do

I can see where you’re coming from. You feel because she is your friend she should be loyal to you and have only you as a playmate. It also means, in your mind, having the same feelings about other people as you do.

Hmmm. Well, I’m sure that’s a good definition of “friendship” at all. Yes, friends should be loyal and stick up for each other. And yes, you might expect friends to have similar tastes and opinions. But actually, part of the spice of good friendships is that while you have some things in common you’re not exactly alike. Friendships should enrich you and help you grow, and often part of that is learning from someone you trust but who knows and likes things you’re not aware of.

Having two or more friends isn’t being disloyal to one. It simply means spreading the friendship around – having two friends or more for the price of one.

I wonder why you hate this other person. Because she’s been mean to you? Because she’s different to you? Or because your friend likes her? You’ve given me no reason to believe it’s the first and neither of the other reasons are good ones to hate her. Sadly, people who insist on everything going their way and everybody doing things exactly the way they want it usually end up as friendless or bullies. And bullies often think they have life under control but actually are surrounded by dislike and contempt.

That’s not the way you want to go, I know it. So my advice for what to do is to face up to the fact you need to be the one and only and accept it’s not realistic. Talk it through with your Mum and get her to help you recognise being a good friend, and having a good friend, doesn’t have to mean only two of you. Time for that when you grow up and begin to date. That’s the time to ask for fidelity. For now – smile and join in. As I said, two for the price of one – that’s a bargain.

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I’m an overweight mother and life is so hard

Posted on January 19, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i have been marrried for 2 years. when i firstgot married i was chubby but not that much my husband had no problem with it. i was about 150 lbs. and i got pregnant and i used an excusse to eat \”that i am eating for 2\” so i gained alot of weightabout 30 lbs yea alot. and he hates the fact i gained so much we always fight about and i cry all the time. i know how to solve the problem is just lose 30 pounds but i cant hes alwasy huring my feelings and when im deppressed i eat. i used to buy junk food and hide it and eat because he wont allow it in the house. i am a very beutiful woman but my body is the problem. i even get deppresed about it becuase all my nice outfits dont fit anymore and my stomach always pops out i cant bear even to look at myself. just after one baby i am so fat. i am even fatter than my mom and shes 40. i am 19 yes i know too young. i sometimes regret alot of things but what a person to do. i know im mixing up stories but im taking everything out. after i got pregnant my husband started to look at other woman who are skinner than me and he still does i always fight with him because of it. i always think its my fault. ever since i got married theere was not one night of me not crying. i just want some advice. he has changed alot since i knew him i cant handel it life is so hard.

You say you know how to solve this problem – just lose 30 lbs. I’m not so sure. Because if it was as simple as that, you’d do it. You don’t because it’s a lot more complex. Your feelings about yourself, your husband, your relationship, your new role as a mother, your shared role as parents – all of these are the real problems and until you both face up to them and both communicate about them, nothing is going to change.

For a start, look at what you said about your husband’s behaviour as you got married and before you got pregnant. You don’t say that he loved you no matter what, or celebrated your curves; you say he “had no problem with it.” Oh, how very noble of him. And did you not have a problem with his arrogant assumption that you should be the size and shape he dictates? What’s he like, may I ask? A lithe hunk with a six-pack?

Men with an ounce of decency and character are there for their wives. They take a half share in childcare when a new baby comes along, they support and boost their partners and make them feel good about themselves, and above all they don’t look at other women. You say he’s changed a lot since you married but I wonder; it sounds to me as if he’s just letting you see the real him – selfish, self obsessed and mean.

OK – let’s give him some benefit of the doubt. Having a child is a dramatic change in your life. It requires a lot of work and a lot of emotional input. Maybe the responsibility scares him and that’s why he’s reverted to behaviour as childish as you’d expect from the little scrap he should be helping you care for. Maybe all he needs is for someone to tell him to shape up or ship out and he’d come through for you.

It sounds to me as if you’re suffering from a double dose of baby blues. Part is caused by post natal depression – a very common reaction to having a child. You need to speak to your health visitor and your doctor – they can help. But the other part is caused by your not getting the support you should from those around you – mostly, from your husband.

You need some help from the health professionals. You also need to boost your self esteem and take some control. You can’t make other people change their ways – you can only change yourself. However, if you change those around you have to do so too. You eat because you’re depressed – you’re depressed because you eat. One thing you can do is to stop convincing yourself food will make you happy, or that you’re helpless in the face of your food habits. You hint that there are other issues. So deal with those, too. Do you need some help to get back to training or work?
Jobcentre Plus can help with finding training or a job. Would you like some support with your relationship? Relate can help with relationship issues.

I know it feels awful and that you believe you have nowhere to turn, and you have all my sympathy. But I also think you can come through this – all it needs is for you to ask for the appropriate help, and take it. Go on – prove me right!

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