Am i gay?

Posted on January 18, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I am very much a man, but recently went and had a back massage at a male masseur. Things heated up and well landed up having oral sex which was stunning…… know I really am confused.

Good sex can be good sex whoever it’s with. Your mind may make distinctions between the hand or mouth belonging to a member of the same or another sex but your body may not. And where did you get the idea that you had to be straight to be “very much a man”? The most macho men I know are all gay…

By saying you’re now confused I assume you mean that you defined yourself as straight and now wonder if you are gay. Well, the fact is you don’t have to be gay to enjoy having sex with a man. Plenty of people enjoy sex with members of the same sex under certain circumstances and at certain times without it meaning that this is their main gender orientation.

Personally, I think that while a percentage of people are totally, exclusively straight and a percentage are totally, exclusively gay quite a lot of people float around in the middle. You might mostly be straight with the capacity to fall for someone of the same sex, or mostly be gay with the capacity to fall for someone of the opposite sex. Or entirely straight and still enjoy sex with men. It’s not necessarily anything to get upset and worried about.

The problem comes when you can’t accept yourself and are in denial, because that can lead to danger behaviour. The first thing that tends to go overboard when people are in denial is safe sex. If you’re having sex with another man, even if you try to deny it’s happening, that denial won’t protect you from sexually transmitted infections. And don’t fall for the other myth – that having gay sex somehow isn’t being unfaithful to a straight partner. It is.

If you’re a free agent experiment all you want and enjoy it. But always, always use condoms and dental dams (a condom for the mouth) and be sensible. Employing Safe Sex techniques is really, really vital. If you have a partner, think twice. You might find it helps to chat this over with someone who understands. I’d suggest searching on Queery for a helpline in your area. They don’t recruit – they do understand, listen and support.

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He wants his brother to live with us

Posted on January 18, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

Me & my husban live in Australia from last 4 years. He\’s always supporting his family financially, sending them money back home. he wanted to build a house there and he\’s given them all our savings for that. I was fine with it. but now his brother & his wife is comming to australia permanently sometime next year. His brother\’s wife has been very mean to me & my husband in past. I\’m expecting a baby this month, i don\’t want to live in all that stress. told my hubby but he wants to live permanently with his brther. i don\’t know what to do. i feel like I\’ve lost my identity for him. i can\’t deal with this anymore but he just wouldn\’t listen.

It certainly sounds as if he simply isn’t hearing you, and I wonder why. One of the foundations for a marriage that works is that each partner makes the others well-being as important or more important than their own, and that partner and children come first.

Other family members can be central in our lives. Some cultures make siblings and parents key figures and will sometimes put those who are not related – even partners – second. Especially when you’re in a strange country, cut of from all that was familiar, you might feel you need to have that support network about you. And maybe he feels under pressure, or even emotional blackmail, to carry ahead with this plan.

But that’s to partly try to explain his actions. It doesn’t excuse them. It’s really hard when the person you expect to put you first can’t or won’t hear your objections. You have, in your eyes, some very good reasons that he should take on board and at least discuss – the fact that you feel his sister in law was unkind and the fact that you feel particularly under stress with the baby on the way.

He needs to hear what you have to say or he needs to know if he doesn’t, it bodes very badly for your marriage. My suggestion would be for you to talk with the medical team looking after your pregnancy – the doctor or midwife or health visitor – and ask them for support and help. You need someone to talk to about your feelings and someone to help you have your say with your husband. Maybe he needs help to see his priorities. Ask for some counselling support, either to support you in managing this situation or to help both of you talk it through.

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i need advice on the female brain!

Posted on January 18, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I need advice on the female brain! lol, i’m making a joke about it, but seriously it’s driving me insane, I have a female friend, very attractive, known her for a year now, and we were getting on great!, i wanted a relationship in the begining but she rejected me, saying she weren’t physically attracted to me, we met on a internet dating site, and 2 month ago, she was on there at the same time as me, and we decided to do testimonials for eachother, which appear on members profiles, she said some kind things about me to help me in my quest, and on hers i wrote her a poem, which she said she LOVED! however, i didn’t realise at the time, that 6 months previous, i had written the same poem on another womans profile, some jealous guy told her, and when i spoke to her on the phone, she seemed distant and upset, but at this point i didn’t know WHY?, what it was all about!, just,1 week before she was being really warm, i asked what the matter was? and she just sa id she felt tired, she never mentioned it to me, we were having a conversation about settling down, and she said, she didn’t want kids or to live with a man, so i replied, ( well maybe you will never bother to settle down), at which point she got angry and put the phone down, she won’t speak to me now, i KNOW!! it’s the testimonial thing, but, WHY!?, would she react like that if she isn’t interested in me?, and WHY? was she so hurt she couldn’t tell me what that jealous guy had said?, keep thinking about having a serious face to face chat with her, please! help, feel like i don’t know where i stand anymore

It’s difficult to make generalisations about what men or women are like. To a certain extent women are better at identifying and expressing emotions while men tend to look for practical explanations and strategies.

So, she may be upset that you failed to realise how hurt she may feel at being delighted at what she thought was a very personal offering to her, only to find it was secondhand. How can you not ‘realise’ you wrote the same poem for someone else? And you may be keen to assign one meaning and event to her being upset when it could be a whole range of general dissatisfactions with your interaction. Or, indeed, have nothing to do with you. People often hit out in one area of their life when something entirely separate is going wrong – like kicking the cat when it’s your boss you’re furious at.

If you want to deal with this, stop thinking about woman in general and start focussing on the one person in particular. If you think she may have been hurt about the testimonial, ask if that’s it and apologise for being so crass. But also ask if its something else and if there is anything you can do about it.

You may simply have to accept that having decided she didn’t want to further your relationship, she’s not going to climb down from that. In which case, your best bet is to stop obsessing with her and find someone else. Sad – but that’s life. And it’s too short to spend your time tying yourself in knots trying to work out what someone who may be playing with your emotions or have problems of their own that make it difficult for them to have relationships may be doing.

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Should i ask him what he feels?

Posted on January 18, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I’m falling for a guy at work, and from the signals he’s giving off, i think he feels the same. Trouble is, i don’t want to make a fool of myself and ask outright if he feels the same but at the same time i’m going mad not knowing. Help! I’m 34, and feel like a kid with a crush – it’s not geting any work done.

It’s not exactly an exact science, attraction. It’s not as if we turned pink when mildly attracted, red when interested and scarlet when madly in love. And you can’t always even tell yourself how much you like someone. You can find yourself drawn to their company without being able to put a finger on exactly how you feel about them. The only way you’re ever going to know how someone else feels is spend time with them and see what happens.

Asking someone out is a risk. I don’t think you risk making a fool of yourself unless your strategy is to swear undying love on the first date. Simply saying to another person “Come and have a drink with me after work” or “I was thinking of seeing that film tomorrow night – want to come?” isn’t exactly revealing of your feelings. But it does show interest and it does give someone who is equally interested the chance to follow it up.

I can think of two reasons why he has made no further moves. Men often have a hard time of it, being expected to be the ones to ask you out on a date. They often feel shy and awkward and unable to proceed, especially if you’re someone who don’t give off signals. You say he is, but are you returning the message in a way he can decipher?

The other reason may be that while your interest is romantic, his may simply be friendly – perhaps he already has a girlfriend. You’re never going to know unless you take a deep breath and issue an invitation. It doesn’t set you up for ridicule. If he’s already taken or not interested he’ll simply say Thanks but no thanks. Nothing embarrassing in that.

But if you say nothing and he’s also biting his lip and wishing he could ask, you’re at an impasse. And nothing but nothing is worse than missing a perfectly good chance at a relationship through inaction. Go for it!

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I sweat!

Posted on January 16, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i have a sweate problem and im only 14 i swate all the time even when it is cold i sweate can you please give me some advicep p.s i am fritend if people see my sweate undermy arms in school please help me.thankyou from enonomouse

Actually, the point is you have a sweat problem BECAUSE your 14. It’s a common problem for young people in the teenage years. You may have a problem with excessive sweating or it may simply be that you’re noticing the natural changes that occur as you become an adolescent. Children don’t sweat. Adults do. As your body makes that gradual and then suddenly overwhelming leap from a child’s body towards one of a grownup, all the bumps and lumps and secretions and bits and pieces that adult bodies have and kids bodies do not can seem surprising, confusing and outlandish.

You sweat when you’re hot. You also sweat when you’re nervous or stressed, and the more nervous and stressed you feel the more you will sweat. You won’t be the only one – most teenagers have a problem with this at one time or other.

There are two ways to deal with it. One would be to ask at your local pharmacy for a deodorant that is specially designed to manage this situation. There are two – Driclor and Anhydrol Forte. Follow the instructions and you’ll find they do help. I know – I’ve used one of them!

But the other way is to tackle your lack of self confidence and your stress. Remind yourself all teenagers feel anxious and nervous. It’s a natural part of growing up and it’s something we all have to deal with. Focus on the things you’re good at, the things you like to do and work on reminding yourself you are a special person and one who can cope with life. It might help to talk it over with your Mum or a trusted teacher or a friend who cold help boost your esteem. Good luck!

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I can’t be there for my gay son

Posted on January 16, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I hope you can help me, i have suffered from cancer for 6 years and have last year been told that it has spread. Three months before this my son told me he is gay. The double blow has left me unable to handle his situation and help him in any way. He feels I am letting him down, but I cant make him understand that its not because I dont want to but that I am unable to. I am having help to cope myself with my illness. what do I do? how do I support him when I am unable to support myself. My husband won\’t talk to him.

As you say, you feel as if you’ve suffered a double blow – your son has announced he’s gay and you’ve been told your cancer has spread. It’s perfectly natural for people who discover their children are gay to feel it’s a loss. You’re losing the life you through you might have had, seeing your child grow up, marry and have children of their own and by doing so, carry on your line. It often feels like a rejection of all you hold dear, and it certainly feels as if a form of continuity has been cut off.

Being told cancer has spread is equally a terrible loss. You are likely to be feeling you’re being robbed of a future and of possibilities. Combine the two and it all feels so unfair and hopeless.

But how might he be feeling? Being gay isn’t something you choose – it’s who you are. He’s finally taken the very big step of trusting you by coming out to you, and what has happened. For a start, you’ve become ill. Might he be feeling guilty, wondering if it’s all his fault in upsetting you? Feeling guilty can make him angry – angry enough to lash out and demand more from you than you can give. And your husband might be unable to talk to him because he himself is feeling conflicted and confused.

I think it would really, really help if you all got some support from people who would understand the very complex, raw and totally understandable emotions that are washing around in your family at present. If you feel whoever is caring for you can help, ask them. If not, contact Macmillan Cancer Support for help. They have a helpline, Cancerline, on 0808 808 2020 and are as good at dealing with the emotional issues as the practical ones. You could also contact Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays who are terrific at supporting parents when their kids come out – and after. They’ll be there for you so you can be there for him.

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He wants his boyfriend to come visit

Posted on January 16, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, My son, whose only 16, just told us he was gay. Keep in mind we have only known this for about a week, and it has certianly answered A LOT of questions, but now he wants a \”boyfriend\” he met on the internet and has been secretly talking to for 4 months to come and visit for a week. Even if he sleeps on the couch. Well, we are still getting used to the idea, and I\’ve always said I would would love my children no matter what, but I feel like we are taking things in HUGE strides by allowing a \”boyfriend\” to visit for a week when we only just found out ourselves. We are very open minded parents, and this \”coming out\” has destroyed a barrier that was between us and him for a long time. He\’s a completely different person now. A lot more open, talkative and comfortable around us than before. I appreciate the fact that his coming out has made us a lot closer, but don\’t want to ruin that by being negative of this visit. At the same time, I\’m still his parent, and wouldn\’t make any exceptions if he were a girl with a visiting boyfriend. Shoud I allow this kid from across the country to visit for a week so soon after finding out my son is gay? How open minded can I be? Even if he sleeps in a different room under our watchful eye.

I really do appreciate how difficult this might seem. It must feel as if a tsunami has crashed over your head – and now you’ve been urged to go surfing! No wonder you feel in a quandary. Let’s take a deep breath and begin by recognising the pluses here.

May I say for a start what a lucky young man he is in having parents who have weathered the first storm. It’s always hard coming out and it is such a relief to do it to parents who give unconditional love. You’ve seen what a difference it has made to him being able to tell you. And isn’t it a compliment to you that he wants to introduce his boyfriend – perhaps his first boyfriend – to you. That’s an enormous vote of confidence in you and your parenting.

It sounds to me as if, in his euphoria, he’s trying to cram several years of growing up into a few weeks. A significant number of parents of 16 year olds may have had to tussle with the boy or girlfriend coming to stay issue for some time; he’s throwing it at you now because all of a sudden he can, since it’s out in the open at last.

So what can you do? I honestly don’t think it’s going to erect barriers again for you to say – as you would actually say to a son with a girlfriend, or a daughter with a boyfriend – “We’re still processing this! Can we talk?” And I think your holding in mind what you’d say to a son with a girlfriend, or a daughter with a boyfriend is an excellent way to manage, and one to explain to him. In effect, it’s not necessarily about the gay thing; this is also about the sex thing.

My view on the big “Should we allow them to sleep together under our roof” debate is that I’d far rather my kids were having safe and enjoyable sex in a bed than skulking and sneaking to have hurried, unsatisfactory and possibly unsafe sex behind my back. He is 16 so his sexual activity is legal. Maybe my worry would be more about the fact that this other boy is an unknown quantity to you – and indeed to him. However well they know each other online, f2f may bring up some surprises. I think what I’d do is discuss with him about whether it might be good for the prospective relationship if they took it a little bit slowly, with a first visit in separate bedrooms.

I think this is something you and your son are going to have to thrash out. I certainly don’t think you’re being unreasonable to say “Whoa! This is rather fast!”. I do think if you are clear you’re explaining your feelings, not in any way criticising his actions, you’ll find you continue the very good relationship you all have and come to an agreement that suits you all.

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Is it a panic attack?

Posted on January 16, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I\’m an 18 year old girl and i am always feeling worried about having these feelings that i keep having i get a pain in the back of my head and i cant breathe or think properly my throat feels tight and i\’m really panicking and cart control it it really scares me is this a sign of panic attacks

Sounds like a panic attack to me. So well done for realising what it’s likely to be – you’re half way to dealing with it if you recognise what is going on.

Whatever your reason for having panic attacks the good news is that they can be managed. It helps to talk to someone about your feelings and your life, to bring any worries you have out in the open where they can be dealt with. Do you have a friend, a relative, a teacher who you feel able to trust? What about your own doctor?

Learning relaxation techniques can help and so can making sure you’re looking after yourself – a healthy eating pattern, some good exercise.

You’ll find information about panic attacks and more suggestions on what to do at

Mind. Do ask for some help and get some support.

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The bullies won’t stop!

Posted on January 16, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i am being bulliedand i try to ignore it but it won\’t stop please help

I’m really sorry to hear that. Ignoring bullying sometimes helps but tackling it head on tends to stop it, not only for you but anyone else suffering. And make no mistake – this isn’t happening to you because of anything to do with you. Bullies bully because of something to do with them, not because you cause it or deserve it, so other people are in this with you. So stop feeling embarrassed or guilty or in anyway to blame; and that means, blow the whistle on it.

I simply HATE the school code that says complaining about bullying is telling or grassing or letting down the side. Who invented that? Bullies is, that’s who. And why the hell should you suffer to protect them? Tell them to stop or you’ll get it stopped. And if they won’t leave you alone, get help.

All schools now have what’s called a Bullying Policy. In it, the school states bullying is unacceptable and states what they will do to stamp it out. What you need to do is get them to brush off their policy and put it into action.

So – step one is to tell your parents what is happening. Step two is to write down an exact and complete diary of what has been happening – dates and times, description of what happens and who is involved. Keep that diary from now on.

Next, ask your parents to ask for a meeting with your main teacher to discuss what has been going on. They should use the dairy to lay out what has happened and ask for a commitment for it to stop. They may like to point out at this stage – tactfully – that they can and will proceed further up the line if the teacher can’t or won’t act effectively. Your parents have the right to ask the Deputy head, then the Head, then the Board of Governors and finally the local authority to take action – and even the Secretary of State if neither the school nor the Authority is effective.

Your parents may need some help with all this. I’d strongly suggest they contact Parentline Plus, the charity that supports parents, on Parentline 0808 800 2222 or via the website. You might like some extra help from Kidscape.

It’s not your fault and you don’t have to put up with it, so get some help today!

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I’m flat chested!

Posted on January 16, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
i am 14 and have got 32a sized breasts. i feel really left out because all my mates are in their c and d cups. it gets me depressed.no boy likes me because i am flat chested.PLEASE HELP ME. is there any way i can help get them bigger?? please help,
i cant talk to my mum about this stuff.HELP!!

At 14 you still have a lot of growing to do. Your body may well change in the next few years. But some people stay slim and they’re the ones that women with fuller breast envy like mad because they can fit into designer clothes!

Seriously – the shape you are and the shape you’ll become is just the way it is. There is nothing you can do about it, apart from eating a healthy diet and doing exercise to give yourself and good, toned outline.

As for boys not liking you because of your bust size – good grief, would you want to be liked by someone just because you had a cleavage? Yeuch! I certainly wouldn’t – I mean, how shallow and disgusting is that? Of course, boys of 14 – or those with an immature outlook – can be expected to be that silly but the nice ones soon grow up.

If I were you I would talk to my Mum about it. She probably went through the very same anxieties when she was a teenager and can reassure you. If you really can’t talk with her then find someone else you do feel comfortable with – a relative, a teacher, a friends mother. We’ve all been there, and we can all reassure you that if you concentrate more on who you are than what you look like such worries do fade away.

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