Pregnant and dumped

Posted on January 16, 2008 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I’m three months pregnant, I don’t think I could stand having and abortion and I can’t tell my parents because they’d kill me. My boyfriend has dumped me and says it’s my problem not his. I’ve nobody to turn to. What can I do?

Get up from the computer now and go find your Mum. Tell her you need her help and could you please sit down and talk. Take a deep breath, calm yourself and then tell her what you’ve told me. She may be angry, at first. Parents often are but most of the time they’re concerned, caring and only want to do what’s best for their child. But the longer you leave it, the more upset she will be because she’s going to find out sooner or later, isn’t she? Once the dust has settled you’ll find not having to keep it a secret any longer a great relief.

Make an appointment to see your doctor at once to get the best care possible and discuss options. You may still be within the deadline for an abortion if you change your mind when you’ve talked it through. If you are going ahead with the pregnancy, you need medical care anyway and the sooner the better. And if you do go ahead with the pregnancy, your boyfriend will soon discover it’s his responsibility whether he likes it or not – in law, he has to support his baby even if he doesn’t see it. Boys often come round when they have a chance to shape up and act maturely, however.

Most teenagers in your position are convinced their parents “would kill them” and then find the worry was far worse than the reality. But if you really come from a culture and a family in which this is a genuine danger see your doctor on your own – you can, even if you’re under 16 – or a teacher at school and ask for help. Consider this carefully; if you really think you are at risk, make it clear your fears are genuine and ask for protection.

You’re not alone – there is lots of help out there for you, you just have to ask for it. So please – get moving, now.

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Am I a gay transvestite?

Posted on December 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,im a 30 year old male and im in a relationship but i like to wear womens underwear and i had an experiment with a gay friend of mine who lets me indulge in this practise does it mean i am gay and a transvestite

If you like to wear women’s clothing then, yes, the usual description that fits would be transvestite. But people can get a kick out of or have a deep need to dress in the clothing of the opposite sex without being gay. Many transvestite men dress up and have sex with women partner’s not men.

Men who have sex with men often claim they are not gay and I can see what they might be saying. The issue is that in this society we seem to assume sexual behaviour is a one-way door – you’re either on one side or the other and once through you can’t go back. But plenty of people slide up and down on a continuum of sexual behaviour. Some people are only and ever straight. Some are bisexual. Some are only and ever gay. Most are mainly gay or mainly straight in varying degrees. So you can experiment with one sex while still reserving most of your sexual attraction to the other.

What I do think you need to consider, seriously, is this. That having a gay fling or experiment while calling yourself straight is still being unfaithful. If your girlfriend did the same – or had a little sexual moment with that hunk from the rugby club – would dressing it up in some apparently trivialising description somehow make it any the less hurtful or a betrayal? And having a one-off, non-serious dabble doesn’t mean you’re protected from catching a sexual infection. It’s amazing how many people think by downplaying the event you’re downplaying the consequences. If you want to dress up, fine. It’s a fairly common desire and you’ve no need to box yourself in because of it. But what you do is more important than the terms you use to describe it. Think about what your behaviour may do to you and how it may be seen by those you love and be safe.

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He wants to swing

Posted on December 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, will be 11 in January. In 99 he got to where he wanted to be with another female and did, and i fought for him. Now he wants to swing and im not for that. He says that if I dont let him swing, that i need to dress like a bad girl and talk dirty. im not that type of person. how do i satisfy him so i dont lose him, or is it too late?

Why on earth should you want to satisfy him and try not to lose him? It’s not about whether it’s too late, it’s about whether it’s worth it. A man who cheats on you and then tries to abuse you like this for his own pleasure without a jot of care over what would please or hurt you isn’t worth the candle. Tell him to shape up and start acting like a grownup or sling his hook. You deserve better – far better.

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I cheated on a wonderful man

Posted on December 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I was in a 4 year relationship with a wonderful man. I was going to marry this guy. I had everything from the date set to the wedding dress. I went out of town and ended up cheating on him and never could forgive myself. He never found out, but I just couldn’t go on knowing what I had done. Things began to change and we called off the wedding and eventually I moved out and 3 months later we split up. I got invovled with a new guy and completely fell in love with this new guy. He is so wonderful, but I can’t stop thinking about my ex. I see a wonderful future with my new boyfriend and he’s so outgoing, but my ex text me and still loves me so much. I still love him aswell, but I love this new guy too. I feel so bad that I hurt my ex and he is still in so much pain after 5 months. I think I could be happy with my ex. He had a lot of control over me and the sex was horrible. I don’t know if I want that again. He wants to meet and talk, and I just don’t know what to say to him. What should I do? I love both of them and don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. Not even myself. What would I say to my ex to not break his heart more?

People don’t have affairs for no reason – you don’t just happen to find yourself in bed with someone; you choose to be there. So on the face of it, it seemed inexplicable that you’d betray a wonderful man you loved and were going to marry. Except, he’s actually not that wonderful, is he? He’s a control freak and the sex is “horrible”. Not just so-so – horrible. That’s a strong word. Me, I’d run a mile from a man who makes me feel like that. And I think that’s what you’ve done. Except for some reason – and if you were in counselling no doubt you and your counsellor could work out why – you couldn’t just finish with him, you had to go to these lengths to force yourself to break it off. And now you’re with another man who is so ‘wonderful’, and think you could have a ‘wonderful’ future with him too. Lady, I think you really, really need to sit down and work out what it is you want and need, what it is these ‘wonderful’ men really do for you and mean to you and then make some decisions. If you don’t want to be hurt anymore you need to be operating far more knowingly, not letting men and your deep and buried needs and emotions pull your strings and make you such a puppet. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can suggest a counsellor in your area. I suggest you take some time to talk and think.

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Are men threatened by their wife’s sons?

Posted on December 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I am very happily married now(to my second husband) all except for one thing-my son. I have three children from my previous marriage to a man who was an abusive bully. My second son was very distressed when we split up. He tried to carry a lot of burdens for his parents. He went away to University and got a very good degree in Computer Aided Design. In his final year he became extremely depressed and on returning home to me he could not work and had a nervous breakdown. Trying to support three children at once at University, work in a hectic teaching career and try to help my poor distressed son has not been easy. (I was alone for 10 years after we divorced.) My ex did not work or offer any support after we divorced. With a lot of help and support my son picked up and has since been in a variety of unsatisfactory (he says)jobs. He also became engaged and set up home with a girl and has since split up with her. Now he has had another nervous breakdown and is unable to work. My new husband says he should get himself together and get a life. He does not like him coming to see me regularly or me going to see him although he does enjoy his company on an irregular basis. I find his attitude very uncaring and find it hard to bear. I will always love and care for my children for as long as I am around. I love him too and feel very torn. How would you suggest I deal with the matter. Strangely enough, my best friend (living away now) is going through the same thing. Is it common for men to feel threatened by their wife’s sons?

You’ve absolutely put your finger on it and ‘threatened’ is an excellent word to use. Yes, most stepfathers feel very challenged by the son or sons of a previous partner. Think about it; any child is living, breathing proof that you loved someone else and someone else was there – intimately – before them. Any child who has been through thick and thin with you after a messy divorce and through several years together will have built up a relationship that they can only long to have – a relationship with mutual knowledge, love, empathy and all those little shared and known jokes and references. Add to that the fact that this is a boy – in a sense, the image and representative of his father – and what’s not to feel threatened about?! He can’t help feeling your son is a rival and in competition for your love. It’s natural, in fact. Did you know when a lion takes over a pride, he almost always slaughters any offspring of the previous male still at home? A lack of sympathy and understanding is a bit better than homicide, you have to admit.

But his feelings being natural doesn’t make them acceptable. Lions have no choice but to operate on instinct while we have the option to explore, understand and moderate our feelings and the actions we take because of them. What both of you need to understand is the very profound and destructive effect his father’s behaviour and loss has had on your son. His depression, his attempts to look after you, his difficulties in making relationships and sticking to his studies and his work all can be traced to this. He isn’t ‘together’ – he’s overwhelmed and fragmented because of it and to ‘get himself together’ takes two things. It needs you and his stepfather to recognize how very justified he has been in finding it hard, but how much you’ll both support him in dealing with it now. And it needs him to recognise the roots of his difficulties and to seek some help in getting back on track.

If you don’t mind I’d like to recommend my own book on Stepfamilies – all of you reading it may promote quite a few “Oh, NOW I understand” moments. And then you could encourage him to seek some counselling. Relate offer counselling for relationship and family issues. Their site can help you or your son find the nearest centre. They also do phone counselling – call 08451 30 40 16 for an appointment. Or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can suggest a counsellor in your area.

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They say i look like a boy

Posted on December 13, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i have a problem all the people at school think i look like boy but i try my best to be girly and they think im acting weird what can i do its starting to hurt my feelings

I think you should make a rule in life; be yourself. It’s a dead end trying to be what other people say they think you should be, whether that means “being girly”, “being nice” or “Have sex with me or I’ll tell everyone you’re a lesbian. Oh, BTW, sleep with me and I’ll tell everyone you’re easy”. Giving into any of those is a lose/lose situation.

Anyway – what do you think they mean by looking like a boy? Not having boobs like Jordan’s or hips like Nigella Lawson? Lucky you – you’ll fit into all the really good designer gear which is made to fall beautifully on a sleeker outline. But hang on – how old are you? If you’re under 18, and I guess you are, you can’t make judgements about what your body will look like when you fully develop. Ignore the taunts and sooner or later you might have the last laugh. Twiggy, one of the models who features in the M&S ads, certainly did!

Maybe when they say you look like a boy, they mean someone who stands up straight, looks people in the eye and acts like a person rather than a simpering mouse. Being ‘girly’ often means being intimidated and you don’t want to do that, do you?

My advice would be to be assertive about this. Rather than trying to be what you think they demand, turn it round. Tell the people who torment you like this that their remarks are hurtful. If they’d like to be friends, fine. If they want to leave you alone that’s fine too. But stop with the bullying because it just shows them up. Then, you get on with being yourself. People who matter know that what a person looks like is nothing to do with who or what they are.

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I am not ready to have sex but he won’t listen

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,on my birthday me and a guy i really like kissed and i liked it. Now we are seeing each other and about two days ago we almost had sex and i can not stop thinking about it. I am not ready to and he kind of understands but when we are together he always tries to go me into sleeping with him.No matter how many times i have told him that i am not ready he still would not listen.He does not get angry when i push him away, he always aske’s me until when am i going to stay a virgin.Can you please give me advice on whether he loves me or he just wants to sleep with me.confused and scarred

I’m not surprised you’re scared. No means no. If he cared for you he’d respect that. He wouldn’t go on asking – he’d realise that’s your decision and one he needs to appreciate. Want my opinion? He’s a bully. He’s a pig. If you were a friend of mine I’d have you away from him so fast it would make your head spin.

No means no. A guy who doesn’t appreciate this is a rapist in the making. Did you know that 75% of rape cases aren’t even reported to the police? That just 15% of rapes result in a conviction? And why? Because women tend to feel ashamed, tend to feel it was their fault, tend to be scared they won’t be believed. And men tend to feel that it’s ok to ignore a clear “No, I’m not ready” and go on and on until they get to feel sex is their right and they can just take.

No means no. You’ve clearly said what you feel; you’re not ready. He just as clearly only cares for his own feelings. Just because he doesn’t ‘get angry’ does that make his behaviour any the less bullying? I think not.

No means no. How long are you going to stay a virgin? Until the right time – your time. Until the right bloke – one who listens to you and would hate to hurt you or push you into anything you didn’t want.

No means no. He doesn’t love you. If he loved you he’d listen to you and respect you and your decision. He just wants to sleep with you. Drop him. Now.

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She had a boyfriend!

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

Need some advice. I’ve been working with a girl for a year now and about 3-4 months into things we started seeing each other. Problem is that she has a boyfriend of a couple of years.
She finished with her boyfriend a couple of months after we started seeing each other but then got cold feet and went back to him. I was clearly gutted and gave her the cold shoulder.
I decided to move on and tried to put her out of my mind. Eventually after a few months we got speaking again – we had to really becuase we sat about 5 foot apart – and things started up again.
Last week I moved jobs and on the Thursday she told me that she couldn’t cheat on her boyfriend anymore. I’m not absolutely gutted and can’t stop thinking about her. I’d love to know what you think?

Did you notice the mistake you made there? I’m sure you think you meant to say “I’m absolutely gutted” but you didn’t. You said “I’m not absolutely gutted”. A Freudian slip, we call it; when your unconscious mind says the truth.

I think you’ve moved on. You realised you can’t trust this girl to care for you in the same way as you care for her. Whichever way you dress it up she was being unfaithful in being with you – something that is could cut two ways.

And while you seem to feel responsible for her and bad about her confusion and indecisiveness, the reality is that what she does is her business; she’s an adult. You need to look after yourself and cutting yourself loose and looking for love with someone who is free is your best option. Which, I think, your unconscious mind has realised!

Yes, you feel sad and keep thinking about her. So mourn – you owe yourself that, after all your hopes and dreams. But you’re in a new job now. Set about making friends and building up a support network of friends and acquaintances who will be there for you. Go out and enjoy yourself. And tell yourself this; just because you’re attracted to someone doesn’t mean you have to go after them. If they’re already taken, back off and make a conscious effort to look for people who are available to you. Good luck!

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Is this fantasy a problem?

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

My problem is (well I dont really know if it is a problem!) ever since I have been a teenager I have had fantasies about having sex with my aunt and even at times my mother. I have other more ‘normal’ fantasies as well but even though I’m now in my 20s I still find these fantasies about my aunt and mother very arousing when I masterbate, partly because I know its wrong I suppose. I have always found more mature women sexy generally too.
I enjoy these fantasies sometimes but wonder if I have a problem or not??
thanks!

Sexual fantasies of all sorts are very common – most people have them. And as you’ve realised, it’s the forbidden, ‘naughty’ aspect of them that often provides the kick. The main and most important point about them is that they are fantasies, not real. Just because you dream about rape or incest doesn’t mean you’d actually like to experience it. In fact, the could say that the more appalled you might be at doing it the more powerful an effect it might have on you when masturbating.

Fantasies become a problem if you lose the distinction between what is unreal and unacceptable in genuine life and what might be real and permissible. They are dangerous if you come to believe that just because you dream it you should go and do it. On the whole, sexual fantasies should remain firmly in your mind and nowhere else. They are also a problem when you find you can’t enjoy sex without them. It’s fine to use the filmstrip in your mind to add a little something but when it becomes as or more important than the actual sex you’re having with an actual person, that’s the time to ask for help.

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I really like this boy…

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i realy like this boy im 16 and not confedent with my self everyone says he likes me but i past him my number but he never text me but my best friend says he is shy! i realy like him and everyone thinks he likes me and deep down inside me i no he dose what should i do???? help please

Read the previous letter. Hey – maybe it’s him!

So stop hinting and leaving it all in his court. It’s tough being the boy. Everyone expects boys to be confident and to make the first more, and that can be scary. Boys can be shy and insecure too, and frightened of risking humiliation. If you like him and want to spend some time with him or get to know him better, take the burden off by making the first move. You don’t have to declare undying love. Just ask him to hang out with you – for coffee, a morning at the mall, a film on Saturday night.

Wouldn’t it be awful if you went on longing from afar and he felt the same but neither of you did anything and then someone braver than you swept in and snaffled him under your nose? Go on – go for it!

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