I get panicky with girls!

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
well… im 16 and i’ve never had a girl friend or kissed a girl. i find it really difficult to talk to girls when i do like them, even if i am a bit tipsy. im guessing its a confidence issue. i get told i a great dude and good looking by mates, but its like no ones interested in me.
you probably get similar sort of things every day, but i need some advice in how to talk to girls and the like. you might say “just be yourself…” but im extremly panicy around girls i like and cant really act like myself

16 and never had a girlfriend? And I guess this a problem because you think you’re unusual. Hey – join the club; contrary to popular myth, the majority of 16 year olds haven’t had a girl or boyfriend.

It’s nothing unusual. It’s nothing to be worried or ashamed about. And the most ironic thing about it is that if you read some of the other letters on this site you should make a connection; that it’s quite likely that some girl, or several girls, in your school are sighing over you and wondering how to get you to ask them out. You haven’t even noticed because you’re so intent on your own anxieties and shyness you don’t see theirs!

What to do about it? Stop obsessing. Stop thinking you ought to force the issue and stop thinking there’s something wrong with you that you haven’t scored yet. Stop seeing girls as members of another species. Do you get tongue tied and panicky round your mates and need to get pissed to talk to them? No, of course not. So stop thinking being with a girl is in any way different or calls for different behaviour. And most certainly don’t think getting drunk will help in any way because it really, really won’t. Raise your self confidence by concentrating on all the good bits about yourself and what you like to do. Are you a good friend? Do you feel OK about yourself? Are there things you know you do well and can enjoy? Good. Sooner or later you’ll feel able to make the next move on someone you like. Till then, hang loose.

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I’m really really attracted to my mates girl friend

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, im really really attracted to my mates girl friend and i believe she is attracted to me. we have been flirting near enough non stop the last couple of days and we both miss each other lots, we kinda got into the conversation of how would i make her happy by being her boyfriend etc etc so i replied and said allowing her to be herself instead of someone else etc etc and it just goes on. we then started flirting abit more. later that night she said she had a party to go to with her bf and i just felt low afterwards because i know i will miss her loads. can you tell if she wants to be with me or not? please help me suzie

She’s a friend’s girlfriend so if you get off with her, you’re betraying him. Would you like that to happen to you or would you feel let down? If she wasn’t happy and finished with him and then came to you, that would be another matter, but as it stands you both could be playing with fire and risking hurting someone you both value.

But her flirting could be just that – a pleasant game, without serious intentions. She may feel able to carry on with you because, being her boyfriend’s mate, she thinks you all know it’s not to be taken seriously.

From what you tell me, no, I can’t tell if she wants to be with you instead of him. The only way you could find out would be to ask her. Before you do so, consider what might happen. If she says yes, it means hurting him. If she says no, it risks busting up a friendship; she would be embarrassed that you misread the situation and he may be furious you were trying it on. Is it worth it? Personally, I wouldn’t have thought so. My advice would be to stay friends and go get yourself a girlfriend of your own. If in the future they bust up, that’s the time to make your move.

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How can I find out his true feelings?

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I am fifteen years old, and I know you probably get this allllllll the time. I saw the other letter, and so am now assured that you will probably be rather bored of this type of problems. However, theres this guy i really like(yeah, i know, cliche or what?)but i practically have nowhere near enough confidence to tell him. I used to sit by him in my english, and he used to tease me and stuff, and his friends would always give him these weird looks when we(the guy)were talking, and one of them (i think) indicated(to the guy)that he thought this guy and i were flirting. This year, hes in my music class, and although he doesnt tease me anymore, we talk a lot in our music lessons and almost every night on msn(but sometimes in a group conversation). I know these may sound like indications that he likes me, but i dont know whether it is just as a friend, and i don’t know how to find out. As i have previously told you, telling him(or his friends)is not an option. Is there any other (prefferably subtle) ways to find out his true feelings? If you could help i would eternally grateful!!

Yes, I do get this alllll the time but no, I’m never bored. I do this site because I care – about you and every one like you who writes for help and needs and deserves it. real people and real questions are never boring.

But that doesn’t mean I’m going to say “Oh poor you” or offer you The Answer. Sometimes, a bit of tough talking may not be what you want to hear but it’s the best thing you can get!

So – you ask me for ways of finding out his true feelings. Like what? Telepathy? Magic? Alas, however much I’d love either to be real, so far I’ve not been able to make them work. Which means you’re down to two things; good old communication. Or psychology.

From what you’ve said I would think it’s pretty clear he likes you. You know it, his friends know it and I know it. So why hasn’t he asked you out? Fear of being hassled by his friends, fear of being humiliated by being turned down are two common reasons. Guys have a tough time being the ones we except to make the first move. Kind, assertive, intelligent and modern young women help them out either by making the first move themselves or making it very, very clear a move would be met with a ‘YES!’

You tell me talking to this lad isn’t an option. Why not? You talk already. So simply say “There’s a good film on next week. Want to go see it with me?” or “Fancy a coffee after school?” Or “Want to hang out with me next Saturday?” If he’s just a friend, he’ll say yes and you’ll simply have a good time together. If he wants to be more than just a friend, he’ll say yes and take the opportunity of being with you to advance the level of your friendship. Win/win, really. Now – is that so hard?

Point is, life doesn’t come on a plate – you have to make some effort and run some emotional risks to get what you want. And I have this theory; the pain when someone turns you down is nothing to the pain when you realise you missed out on something good because you were too scared to go for it. so – go for it!! Good luck!

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I’m known as The Nerd

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
Well, i’ll start from the beginning. I am 12 years old and I am in a boarding environment. The problem is that I am in to things that the other guys aren’t. This gives them cause to name-call and exclude me constantly. I am known as It, The nerd, Retard, The special man, and other horrible names. it gets too much. What do I do?

Nerd today, Bill Gates tomorrow. Don’t let it get to you and don’t compromise yourself because you should be yourself, whatever anyone else thinks, says or does. You might like to download and hang on your wall the Rules according to Charles Sykes, of which Rule No. 11 is; “Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”

But you should also stop struggling with this on your own. Name calling is bullying, just as much as is being beaten up. Schools are under very strict guidelines to deal with and stop bullying whether it’s by hitting, shoving, or other physical actions or name calling, exclusion or other forms of emotional abuse. Speak to your parents and speak to a teacher.
Kidscape can offer help with bullying. You can access info online and suggest your school get in touch for advice on setting up a range of measures to tackle these problems if they haven’t already done so. Or go to Bullying Online or the NSPCC

But above all, recognise that it’s not about you being who you are. Which is why you shouldn’t give in and try to be different because the chances are doing so won’t make any difference anyway. Bullies bully because of who or what they are – usually, people who have problems of their own they’re trying to offload on you. Whoever is leading this may well have been bullied themselves, either in the past at school or in the present at home. They’re trying to get back the feeling of control they lost when being mistreated. Or, they really can’t see that a joke has got well out of hand. Sometimes just refusing to be upset, and challenging them by pointing out how cruel and stupid it is, can do the trick. And if your challenging them doesn’t help it’s the job of your teachers to stop it…or risk you suing them for vast amounts of money sometime in the future! Good luck!

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The Rules of Life according to Charles J. Sykes

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase “It’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No. 1.

Rule No. 2: The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.

Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask you how you feel about it.

Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule No. 6: It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it, or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t. In some schools, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone’s feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4.)

Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we’re at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you’re out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That’s what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for “expressing yourself” with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.

Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven’t seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.

Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. You’re welcome.

This list is the work of Charles J. Sykes, author of the book Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write, Or Add.

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I’ve fallen in love with my friend

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
i have fallen in love with my friend! We used to be enimies, and as im quite a shy person i wont tell my friends as he isnt exactly boyfriend material. Im so confsued inside and i dont know if i love him or not. Please help! I’m 14

Best of enemies often become best of friends – we can’t always distinguish between the strong emotions of love and anger! Look at all the best plays and books, from Shakespeare to Judy Bloom or J.K. Rowling, and you’ll see that love often follows hot on the heels of conflict. Scrap one day, kiss the next; it’s an age-old scenario.

And we also tend to fall for bad boys and girls – the very fact that they seem dangerous and we’re warned off them makes them deeply intriguing and attractive.

But at 14, whatever you think it’s unlikely to last very long. I’m not saying it isn’t real and I’m not saying it feels any less. It is and it does. Indeed, first love can be the strongest emotion you can imagine. But what I am saying is that very few relationships started at 14 go on for life. Or even a term! Which means you can either bite your lip and suffer through your feelings until they fade, as they will. Or say “What the hell!” and ask him out. Whichever you think is best for you.

If I were you I would chat it through with friends, with older siblings if you have them and with parents. They’ll understand since just about all of us have been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. That’s what support networks are for – to be there when you need them and get you through the overwhelming and confusing emotions of the teenage years.

You’re not alone, whatever it feels like. Good luck!

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Should I give up my girlfriend and our children?

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I am a guy of 47 years old. I have a wife and two lovely children aged 14 and 10. I married to my wife out of responsibilities when we had a baby by accident (subsequently aborted). I never really loved her, and have lived my life feeling lonely inside myself. I traveled a lot with my job and that was what I liked. 10 months ago, I met a girl of 30 and deeply fell in love with her. We were meant to each other. She loved me and I loved her very much. I could talk anything with her, and every time, I left due to work, my heart got really hurt. It was like that when I left my wife and kids. We were just happy on whatever we did. Three months ago, she got pregnant. This was not out of the blue – we both actually wanted to have a baby, particularly with our ages. We could not wait. Early last month, I told my wife. Of course, she was very angry about it, and did not want to have a divorce for the kids’ sake. My wife asked her to have an abortion. But it was not possible. We found out it was not just a baby, but twins. My wife did not know about this. My wife paid her some money, and thought I had left her. My girlfriend sent an email to me and said she would let me go back to my wife, and asked me to leave her forever. The twins would be the symbol of our love and she would raise them.

I don’t know what to do. My wife is very religious and will not allow me to love two people at the same time. She also doesn’t want a divorce, mainly for the kids. She knows I don’t love her. My girlfriend doesn’t want to have a divorce. She only wants to see me and be responsible for the twins. I am in deep pain. What is worse is that I was recently out of work due to compnay restructure. Tell me what to do! I am dying.

I’m sorry to hear of this sad and sorry situation and can well understand your pain. It’s a lesson for anyone else reading this – never, ever do something as important as start or stay in a relationship out of duty. It hurts everyone, even the people you think you are protecting, in the long run.

So what can you do? Whether your girlfriend is having one child or two, or half a dozen, makes no difference. That child or children will be yours and you will owe them lifelong responsibility. It doesn’t matter what your wife thinks or feels, or what your girlfriend thinks or feels, a child of yours is owed your presence in their life from the moment they are born till you die. If you do go back to your wife, you should still be a co-parent with your girlfriend of your children and see them and help bring them up. Children are not symbols of love. They are people with their own feelings. Whatever she says to them or whether or not she partners with someone else, your children will feel abandoned and rejected unless you are there for them.

And whatever your wife ‘allows’ she cannot change your feelings. The love you feel, whether for her, your girlfriend, all your children, is real whatever she says about the matter – she can’t stop you feeling.

And whatever she says and feels she also cannot stop you leaving her and divorcing her. She ca ask you not to and you can accede, but if it’s what you want and feel is right, you can do it.

There’s one basic ground for divorce in the UK: the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. This can be shown in a variety of ways. If you live apart for two years you can ask for a divorce on those grounds, and if both of you agree. If your spouse does not want to agree, you can still have a divorce if you live apart for 5 years.
If you do not want to wait that long you can sue for divorce arguing that your spouse has behaved in such a way that you cannot reasonably be expected to live with her. This is called ‘Unreasonable behaviour’ and is now the most common fact on which to prove the ground for divorce in England and Wales. Unreasonable behaviour could be things such as excessive drinking or financial extravagance, for example; but the court doesn’t insist on really severe allegations of unreasonable behaviour in order to grant a divorce. Relatively mild allegations such as devoting too much time to a career, having no common interests or pursuing a separate social life may well enough. Being miserable and living what amounts to a separate life sounds well within the definition to me. I’d strongly suggest you see a solicitor – and make it one who is a member of Resolution. They specialise in family law, can give advice on any family dispute and with separation and divorce, but encourage mediation and agreement rather than confrontation.

The main issue here is that you’re long, long past the point if trying to make sure nobody but you gets hurt. You can’t protect your wife or your children with her from pain and unhappiness and you clearly can’t protect your girlfriend and your children with her from it either. If you could be sure your carrying the can and being miserable meant everyone else in the equation is fine you may be justified in staying as you are. But even then, I’d ask why should you be so gut-wrenchingly unhappy? As it this, your misery doesn’t protect anyone else from being harmed. In which case surely the greater good for the maximum number would mean your getting a divorce, living happily with your girlfriend and her children by you while remaining an active, hands on and involved father for your 14 and 10 year old. It’s not ideal but then, life never is.

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I have homosexual fantasies

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,

I’m confused about my sexuality. I’m a 23 year old guy who has often had homosexual fantasies. One night a few months ago, I decided to act on them and it was a disaster. I’ve been depressed about it ever since and I’ve vowed never to repeat it. It’s just not for me. There’s a girl I think I’ve fallen in love with and it’s possible she may like me too. The thing is, by having this homosexual encounter it feels like I’ve forfieted my chance of being with her and it’s depressing me even more. I’m so ashamed by what I did with a guy, even though it was a few minutes of madness on my part and it feels like I have to be alone for life. I could never have a relationship with another man but now I feel like I’m not allowed to have one with a woman either. Am I being unreasonable?

Yes, I’m afraid you are but I do understand and sympathise. We have such a really stupid society with black and white and blinkered views about sexuality. It’s not your fault – it’s the way we bring people up. But honestly; to make you feel awful because sex with someone your own sex felt exciting – how ridiculous is that?

So let’s get a few things straight. Firstly – sexual attraction is not a one-way door. You don’t go though the section marked “homosexual” and find it’s one-way and you can’t go back. Millions of people pop back and forth over that line, being attracted to someone of the opposite sex one day and someone of their own sex the next. Sexual orientation isn’t an either/or, one thing or the other issue. They best way I’ve heard it defined is to imagine a line. At one end are people who are only ever attracted to people of their own sex. At the other end are people who are only ever attracted to people of the opposite sex. In the middle are true bisexuals – people who really don’t notice the sex of those they are attracted to because it simply isn’t relevant to them. Along the line on either side of bisexuals are those who mostly are gay or mostly are straight but may be attracted and may act on their attraction to people of the other sexuality now and again. Notice one thing; if you accept that theory – and I do – it means people who are totally gay and people who are totally straight are actually in the minority. Most people are somewhere on the line.

Which is why – second thing to get straight – gay sexual fantasies are so common. Most people have them. Having a particular sexual fantasy – gay sex, rough sex, sex in front of an audience to name a few very, very common ones – doesn’t mean you want to carry that particular action out in real life. The point about a sexual fantasy is that it’s safe and inside your head. It can be a rehearsal for the real thing but more often it’s simply a dabble in the forbidden.

You may be gay and what is stopping you express your self is the brainwashing so may people receive that makes them ashamed of their true inclinations. You may be straight and fell for the mistaken impression that just because you dreamed it you had to do it. Or you may be where most people are – somewhere on that line and capable of feeling and expressing desire for various people regardless of their gender. Whatever, it really isn’t something to get so upset about and certainly not something you feel ‘dooms’ you for the future.

My advice? Lighten up. You did nothing and felt nothing either out of the ordinary or deserving of this self flagellation. It may help to discuss it f2f with someone who can be both sympathetic and calm and who will confirm what I say – a counsellor for instance. Find someone through The Site. And then, ask that girl out. Good luck!

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She dumped me – what did I do wrong?

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I am a 35 years old and just recently come out of a relationship. I have been suffering from severe depression since we broke up.Last year I got involved into a relationship with a girl where I work. I’d known her as a friend and colleague for a while. Las year out of nowhere she took an interest in me, as she had come out of a long term relationship. I was flattered by her interest but I knew I had to take things slowly with her because she had recently come out of a relationship. Eventually through time we became very close and intimate. Then after a while she started to play hot and cold with me. Until I noticed she was flirting with a colleague of ours, who at the time had a girlfriend. She would start to avoid me at all costs and I fouund approaching her difficult to ask what is going on. working there unbearable. Eventually I had to resign. As our colleague split up with his ex but denies that he is having a relationship with my ex, though all the signs are there. What have I done that was so wrong? She has re-awoken an old wound in me about having relationships in the work environment.

You ask me “What have I done that was so wrong?” and the answer is probably absolutely nothing. I can’t see you did anything – right or wrong – to affect the way this relationship was going. And that’s the big problem with relationships – of all sorts. Sometimes what happens has very little or nothing to do with what one, or either, of the people do.

People go into relationships for their own reasons and often drop out of them for reasons that have to do with where they are at that particular time, not what their partner feels, thinks or does. You say she had just come out of a relationship, and so might have been feeling vulnerable and wary. We often rush to fill the gap when a boy or girl fried is no longer there but once we’re close to someone again, fears and anxieties or simply memories of what is was like last time emerge. Perhaps the closer you were getting, they more she felt it necessary to pull away.

That’s not a reflection on you but a comment on how nervous she felt. Perhaps she flirted with other people in order to tell herself “It’s ok if he lets me down like the last one did because look at me – I can attract any man I want!”

Stop looking for proof as whether she was having an affair with someone else – it’s not the point. What is the point is that it would help for you to recognise that new relationships are always dicey, especially so soon after a break-up. You need time to get over that loss, and to put yourself back on an even footing.

It’s sad you felt it necessary to leave your last job – it might have robbed you unnecessarily of a good one, and of a support network in the friends you had built up there. For now, concentrate on making new friends and colleagues…but avoid getting involved with someone you work with. It’s always a dangerous proposition mixing work and love.

It sounds as if it might help to talk through with someone – a friend, a relative, a counsellor – how you feel after your last break-up, and how you’re going to restore your lost self confidence. They should support you to see it’s not about what you did wrong, but perhaps about your needing to feel right again. Good luck!

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I hate the gay agenda!

Posted on November 1, 2007 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I am sick and tired of having the gay agenda shoved down my throat. It is wrong. When it becomes your one and only son it is extremely personal. You have absolutely no idea the pain a parent is in. I love my son with all my heart but I am embarrassed and disgusted by what my son does. No group and their psyco babble will convince me otherwise. I pray every day that God will enlighten my son and make this nightmare go away. This is Hell on earth.

I do sympathise with the pain, and anger, you are feeling. All parents have hopes and dreams for their children and it’s really confusing, and causes deep anguish and rage, when these seem to be dashed.

So what can I say to you? I can point out that your son is the same boy he ever was – the person who loves you and that you love too. Little has actually changed in recognising his sexuality.

You’re embarrassed and disgusted by ‘what your son does’? Well, to tell you the truth all children are embarrassed and disgusted by the thought of their parents ‘doing’ those things that 9 months later brought them into the world! Dwelling on the sex act, whether it’s between two people of the opposite or same gender, is likely to turn you off when it’s a parent or a child of your own you focus on.

As for ‘the gay agenda’ – I had no idea there was one. If you mean efforts by myself and many people like me to change the terrible wrongs of the past when people were hounded, often to death, by prejudice and misunderstanding then I’m relieved to say I don’t think this will go back to how it was. We now know that sexual orientation is genetic and not something you learn or can change and that sexual orientation is as much a natural variable as is hair colour.

You son is not going to turn straight because of your prayers or your anger. What is going to happen is that the child you brought up and love is going to be made miserable and alienated by your attitude. It doesn’t help him, and it doesn’t help you. You could ‘make the nightmare go away’ by realising it is not a nightmare.

It would help to talk with other parents who also have found this a difficult situation. I do sympathise with your emotions and strongly suggest you contact FFLAG – Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. They really will understand and help you. Good luck!

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