Dear Suzie,
I work with a stunning girl at my work place who has a boyfriend who treats her very badly. He controls her, shows her no affection, starts arguements at nothing and makes her miserable.
She’s very weak – her previous boyfriend was no better as he used to rape her. To escape the relationship she kissed his friend in front of him so he wouldn’t pester her after.
Her current boyfriend got with her by being a shoulder to cry on when she was down but as soon as he realised he was in full control he started treating her badly.
I have fallen in love with and she with me. At first i thought she had a crush or lust but after nearly a year her behaviour with me never changed and the way she looked at me proved it – she would stare at me smiling and gazing as i talked or held her!
I need help because she is so weak she won’t leave boyfriend for me. When we try to speak she doesn’t like it as she finds it hard to discuss her feelings and changes subject or makes me feel bad by saying I’m pressuring her! i wanna rescue her as everytime we have talked i have to say this is what i strongly believe your thinking and feeling……then later she will tell me while smiling what you said before is correct.
She as 2 joint accounts with her boyfriend, lent him £1000 for his car and she pays rent – i think this is a major factor in why she doesn’t want to leave him. She says she loves him but i said to her that she loves how he was in the beginning and once when she was speaking the truth not hiding things she told me i was right!
She strongly thinks he is cheating on her but she is going to Florida with him and his family – she even quit smoking to go as out there you can’t smoke. I know she needs the break plus I think she as paid for it as he has been off work for a while – it’s a holiday she might not get chance to go on for while if she doesn’t go as with him as he has made her loose all her friends.
I know that i must carry on trying to win her over as she loves me very deeply as do i her, and i have said I’ll always be there for her. What can i do to help her more or should i carry on?
Oh dear! This does sound sad and difficult and I feel for you. But I’m not so sure i agree with your take on what is going on or why your girlfriend is behaving the way she is. Weak may not be the description I’d use for her. She has choices – we all have choices – she just elects not to make them. Or rather, to make her choices the ones you don’t like but she appears perfectly comfortable with.
She chose to leave her previous boyfriend – but did it by setting him up to storm off and leave her. She chooses to give up smoking – a difficult act and one that needs grit and stamina – in order to have a holiday with someone she tells you she doesn’t want to be with. She seems to have plenty of time to be with you, in spite of telling you this boyfriend controls her. Have you wondered why she makes a habit of choosing men who misuse her, and boyfriends on the side who rescue her?
Before you rush in like a superhero, I would suggest you wonder who is controlling who in this scenario, and whether the lady in distress is a needy as you think. She knows you are there. She knows she has you hook, line and sinker – her rescuer, desperate to save her and look after her. Why would she put up with a man who mistreats her, is unfaithful to her, robs her unless it actually suits her in some way?
Now – it may suit her because her self esteem is so low that she feels she doesn’t deserve any better, and that’s why she keeps choosing men who muck her around. But to be frank, from what you’ve said I’m not so sure. None of the reasons you give hold water in any way – they are excuses or rationalisations for someone who doesn’t want to shift.
My advice would be simple. You’ve been her bit on the side for a year (you can hardly object to her boyfriend being unfaithful when she is too!) – that’s long enough for anyone to make up her mind. What does she value – a loving, kind and faithful man or a holiday? If she wants to leave, she needs to leave now. And that’s that.
But if she does, beware you don’t discover the truth of the old saying “If you get what you asked for, you may live to regret it.” I’d wonder how soon before some other poor sap was hearing “My boyfriend treats me badly. He controls me, shows me no affection, starts arguments at nothing and makes me miserable!” Good luck!