She’s married – what should i do?

Dear Suzie, I have been seeing a married woman now for two years, she says she loves me like no other but still is with her husband. what should I do ?

There are all sorts of reasons why someone would profess undying love for one person but still remain with another – confusion, timidity, fear or – let’s face it – insincerity.

 Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she fell in love with you because her marriage is over in all but name. She does love you but feels she cannot leave because she has children and doesn’t want to have them see their family break up. Children will often say they prefer their parents to stay together, no matter what. But it’s never easy living with a couple who do not love each other. At best, they see a loveless and sad partnership that hardly gives them a good model for what marriage should be about. At worst, they see conflict and misery. If that were the case maybe she needs support in seeing her leaving might be the better option for all concerned.

Or maybe she’s just scared to make the jump into the unknown – it’s a big step to disrupt your life in this way. Again, maybe she needs support in making that choice, if it is the one she wants to make.

Or maybe she’s frightened of what her husband might do – perhaps she needs proper reassurance of safety.

Or maybe, just maybe, you’re a nice bit on the side – a reassurance that she isn’t losing her sexual powers, a pleasant dalliance, a tit-for-tat for her husband’s infidelity or lack of attention. Men do it – women do it too. Both sexes are just as likely to have affairs and give all sorts of promises that mean very little. She may be someone who doesn’t want to commit herself fully to a marriage and you’re her way of holding back a little something from her husband.  

 What ever her reasons, the fact is that you’re involved and are hurting. Here’s a sad fact of infidelity and affairs – they always hurt someone and usually several someones. People who have affairs usually say they couldn’t help it. Well, that’s simply not true. Ok – you cant help falling for someone – finding them attractive and being drawn to them. But you can always help what you do about your feelings.

Whether she is truthful or not, she had the choice whether or not to have an affair with you and she chose to do so. You had the choice too, and chose to start a relationship with a woman married to someone else. You have choices now. You can go on and go on being hurt. You could give her one more chance to make a choice – him or you. But I bet if you did, she’d come up with oh so many oh so plausible reasons why you have to wait another week, another month, another year or two.

My advice? Cut out now and find yourself someone honest and true, and available.  And if you find yourself falling yet again for a married woman maybe that would be the time to ask yourself whether this is  pattern you find comfortable – being in love with someone who can’t or won’t give all her time to you. Time to talk it through with  counsellor, if that’s the truth.