Dear Suzie, I am a 14 year old girl and have been dating my bf for 8 months now. He is 16. We have only kissed and cuddled and up till a few weeks ago i thought i was falling for him. We have a great relationship but a few weeks ago he asked me if i would give him a bj. i don’t know what he’s talking about but he asks me every time we meet and i don’t know what to say. at first i said i felt sick and had to go home, but i’m running out of excuses. sometimes we\’re outside school and i can’t just suddenly run away, or on the phone and i don’t want to just hand up. i love him and i think if i was ready at this point in time i would have sex with him. but i’m not. i’ve told him this but he just won’t stop asking. i’m too embarresed to ask my friends or family. please help me. i don’t want to lose him but i think this is ruining our relationship. Thanks.
A bj is a blow job. That means oral sex, when you suck or lick his penis. And if you ask my opinion, he deserves a slap round the chops for pressurising you in this way. What’s ruining your relationship is his obsession with his own sexual needs rather than a recognition that your feelings matter as much as his.
You’ve told him you’re not ready. I suspect this is a sneaky, weasely way round any objections you have to full sex – that you’re not ready, that it would put you at risk of pregnancy and that it breaks the law. He probably feels asking you to let him get his sexual satisfaction by having you pleasure him with your mouth somehow sidesteps all this. Never mind that it might be fun for him but no pleasure for you.
So perhaps he needs to know that just as sexual intercourse with a minor (ie an under 16 year old) is against the law, so too is sex by any other means – anal and oral sex too.
But that’s not the reason I think you should tell him to take a hike. He’s showing pretty conclusively that even though you think you get on well, he fails in the first and most important test of a boy or girlfriend; do they put your feelings on the same level as their own? In real relationships, each party cares as much for the other person as they do for themselves and would never ever suggest or push anything that causes the other distress. He doesn’t and he is. Ditch him.