Dear Suzie,
I know that this will sound disgusting, but I really need to get this off my chest. It’s to do with my sexuality. I can only think about one thing- the possibility of castration- and that’s the only object of my sexual desire. I’ve tried to change things, by forcing myself to think about more normal images when reaching orgasm, and to an extent it works. But I’ve never been able to keep this up- every so often I’m reminded of my other desire, and I hate it. All it takes is some joke about castration, or some kind of emasculation, and I find it really hard to not masturbate over these concepts, and destroy all the owrk I’ve put in thinking about normal images.
I know I will sound disgusting, but I want to change, and I can’t stand the idea of staying like this. It’s been like this from the very beginning of my sexuality, and now I’m 19 I know it won’t simply go away on it’s own. I need to know how I can change this, but I can’t ask anyone face to face, or be thought of as a pervert. I honestly don’t know what I can do, please help.
No, I don’t think you’re a pervert nor am I disgusted. We all have sexual fantasies and many of them are not things we would actually like to put into action. Women and women often find fantasies of rape, domination or humiliation arouse them, where the real thing would be devastating. So the fact that you find such images stimulating does not mean you would welcome the real thing. Nor does it mean you are not “normal”.
And at 19, you are still exploring what it means to be sexual and what it means for you to be stimulated. Very few people grow up in an atmosphere of acceptance and celebration of their emerging sexual feelings. We should be able to feel this is all ok, and that exploring our bodies and our sensations is all right. Most of us don’t. An obsession with castration could be the result of shame and guilt and a conviction that what you are doing is sinful or dangerous. If you don’t feel you can stop your desires and think you should, you might easily get stuck in thoughts of being castrated either as punishment or a way of being held in check.
Talking to someone would really help. I would hope from what I have said so far you now see that what you have said does not disgust me nor make me label you a pervert. If you want to re-programme your sexual fantasies, or come to terms with them, a face to face encounter with a professional therapist would be reassuring and useful. Your own GP could refer you. Or you could ring Sexwise on 0800 28 29 30 for a chat with someone who could understand. Good luck!